Bob: Well, I just uh, I'm really havin' a rough week, I guess. I can't seem to be a part of anything; it seems like I see a lot of terrorism on TV lately, and those hate groups and militias and everything, and I--I can't uh get into any of 'em, it seems like. I'm on-I'm on a softball team [Bob and a group of men in "Scott Tissues" t-shirts] but it's not the same thing. It's not as fanatical. We don't even wanna win at softball that bad. [The ball flies past a guy, afterwards he puts his glove up, missing it completely]

Dr. Katz: Mm-hmm.

Bob: And here's a--I just brought a list of street gangs who rejected my applications in the last few weeks. Um, The Crypts -- said they didn't want me. The Bloods -- I don't know, they're, they said they're goin' in a different direction. [Men around a table, one painting and one blowing bubbles] Um, Born to Kill, Vietnamese uh New York street gang.

Dr. Katz: Right.

Bob: They just didn't answer my phone calls. The Latin Kings said "no." The Insane Popes? [Bob wearing a paper bag on his head, with a cross on it] Just, I don't know. [hurt: ] I guess I'm not good enough, um, ha ha. Thin Lizzy?...said, "We are not a gang; we're a rock band and our leader is dead." And, uh, the Chicago Blackhawks -- again, another excuse; they said they were a hockey team, not a gang.

Bob: I got one of those books on tape, you know?

Dr. Katz: Uh-huh.

Bob: Cuz I had to take this long drive.

Dr. Katz: Uh-huh.

Bob: Those books on tape are a rip-off. They're really, *really* boring. I had "Where's Waldo?" [Bob, in his car, holding: "Where's Waldo: The True Story of a Lost Man."]

Dr. Katz: Yeah.

Bob: And it was just this guy goin': Guy delivering mail, guy selling hot dogs, two kids with a ball, Waldo, woman with a shopping cart, dog. Don't get them.

Bob: You know, I got into these computer games, lately.

Dr. Katz: Right.

Bob: Cuz I got--I got this computer and I've been playin' it, you know? Like a maniac. [Bob in a dark room with a crazed look, moving the joystick violently back and forth] Computer games are dangerous, I think, because they do bring out the violence in you and, for *me,* I just don't like feeling that upset. I don't wanna kill anybody, and when you go in tha--I had this one video game that was like, a dungeon?

Dr. Katz: Mm-hmm.

Bob: And when I was in--in this game, all I wanted was a button I could press where all these guards and goblins would just put down their guns and sit there and be mellow. [illustration of them doing just that] And then I could just walk through and say "hi" to 'em.

"Hey you guys. What's goin' on?"
[Slacker-looking guard] "Not much."
"You guys guardin' the blue key?"
"Yeah. Just guardin' it."
"Okay. Well, take care. Have a good day."
"Yeah, you too, keep goin'."
"A'right."

That would be fun for me...instead of hurting. No more hurting.

Bob: Uh, Dr. Katz, here's somethin' I wanna talk about.

Dr. Katz: Yeah.

Bob: You know, I'm just thankful that there's no such thing as magic.

Dr. Katz: Uh-huh.

Bob: And that people like David Copperfield and Doug Henning don't have any real powers, because then we'd all have to work for them.

[Bob with Doug Henning hair and moustache, in a rainbow shirt] "What are you doin' man?"
"Oh, I'm in David Copperfield's army, how about you?"
"Mm, I'm workin' for Doug Henning right now. So, what are you guys up to?"
"Well, mostly we're just buildin' statues to David, and how great he is."
"Yeah, how's it goin'?"
"Aw, it's sucks; he's such a jerk. Ah!" [changes to dog and barks] "I'm sorry. He's great. David's great. He's not a nerd. He's not a loser."

Bob: Uh, doctor, I was at a wedding in Indiana yesterday? And my Uncle Joe talked to me? For about 45 minutes? And, there was--I didn't really get a chance to respond, during it? So, I was wonderin' if I could just take a second here and respond to him.

Dr. Katz: Sure. I guess so.

Bob: Okay. So. Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up. Shut. Up! I don't care about your boat! I don't care! I don't care! Well, who's Chuck?! Who's Chuck? You just started talkin' about Chuck, but you never told me who he was! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

[music]

Bob: God! I wanna squeeze your nose!

Dr. Katz: I'm sorry Bob, you know what the music means. Our time is up.

go back to the listings