[It may help to know that the guest before David was Jeff Daniels, who was there to promote Pleasentville, a movie which Letterman loved...but didn't get. When asking Jeff off-camera how he thought the movie will do, Jeff replied that they thought it'd do great till Dave opened his mouth. So, Dave spent much of the rest of the show trying illustrate that not understanding something doesn't mean not liking something.]

Dave: Our next guest is the David in the television program "Mr. Show with Bob and David," and it has its season premiere on October 26th on HBO. Please welcome David Cross.

[David enters.]

Dave: Welcome to the show. Welcome to New York City. We've never met, have we?

David: No. No no.

Dave: I met uh, Bob.

David: Yeah.

Dave: Your buddy Bob from the show.

David: Yeah. He lords that over me a lot.

[Dave laughs.]

David: Everyday when I get in the office, "Hey, uh, so you see Letterman yet? No? I did. H-hah." That's how we start everyday. And then I cry...softly.

Dave: No no. Let's get a hold of ourselves. Let's, uh, tell people about the show...this is great, it's been on four years and you pretty much get to do whatever you guys want to do, don't you?

David: We do. I mean, we get to...uh, swear as much as we want.

Dave: Cool.

David: Get naked...swear some more when we're naked.

Dave: Ah-huh.

David: Um, you know cuz it's cable, and we invent swear words. And...

Dave: Give me an example of a swear word that you've manufactured for the show on cable and we'll see if we can say it here.

[David whispers in Dave's ear.]

Dave: Sugar pops?

[David nods, excitedly. Delayed response, then the crowd really laughs.]

Dave: Ha ha ha. [acting seriously:] Now see, I don't get that!

[Audience laughs.]

David: It's--

Dave: Dad's getting older.

[David laughs.]

Dave: Uh, well you have uh uh a very enthusiastic following for the show, don't you?

David: Yeah, we have uh really, you know, hard-core cult fans who uh, who like make me uncomfortable, really. They're so-- [Audience laughs] But, they're all nice, they're all nice; they're just like super nerdy about the show, you know? But they remind me of how I was with like Monty Python and stuff. And they're...but they'll--

Dave: Big *comedy* fans, those guys.

David: They're huge comedy fans, yeah. And there's very little comedy I like, you know? So, it's just weird. But, they'll come up to me and they'll say, they'll say stuff to me like uh, [stoner/slackerish: ] "Hey man, got any flapjacks? Ha ha."

[Dave and the crowd laugh]

David: "I don't--what?" [Dave and audience laugh again] "Got any flapjacks? Do you remember? Season two, episode six." "Oh, yeah. No. I mean I don't remember, but no, I don't have any flapjacks." [Audience and Dave laugh.] You know, and then they're like, "Ahh, right. Okay. Hey man, you wanna get high?"

[Crowd laughs hard.]

Dave: Ah-huh. [Then he laughs.]

David: "I'm in--I'm in line at the *bank.*" [Crowd really reacts again.] You know, and everybody, everybody assumes that Bob and I just...stroll into work and get high and then write-- "You guys must be so high to write all that stuff!" And we're like, "No! We're not. Have you ever gotten high and accomplished anything?"

[Dave and crowd both laugh hard again.]

David: No! Because, they really do think that.

[There's a short pause as Dave seems to mull over what's just been said.]

Dave: That's interesting. [Audience laughs] Give that a try...Paul, what do you think? Maybe we could look into this.

Paul: Never accomplish anything...

Dave: Yeah. Ah, now how do you like workin' uh uh, because honestly, this show seems like it's too good for HBO. You know what I mean? You see, because HBO, by and large, is just crap -- top to bottom. [Audience laughs.] It's old movies -- movies we wouldn't go see anywhere in the first place and now we've gotta pay forty bucks a month to see 'em in our own home, you know.

David: Well--

Dave: So it seems like this show, it's interesting that you've found a home with HBO, b-but they can't possibly get this show. [David giggles.] The idiots, the pin-heads runnin' that company [Note: HBO didn't pick up Worldwide Pants-produced show, The High Life, for a second season ;o) ] can't possibly, they can't possibly understand what they have in that show.

David: [facetious] Well, I'm kinda in an awkward position.

[Crowd erupts with laughter.]

Dave: Yeah? Ha ha.

David: It's odd. This is like some sort of grand test to see if we'll get renewed for next year. Um-- [Crowd laughs.]

Dave: Well, they're lucky to have you, I'll tell you that.

David: Well, thanks. I-I have nothing bad to say about 'em.

Dave: [egging him on] Aw, come on.

David: I don't!

David: Come on. Just make somethin' up.

[David and the crowd laugh.]

David: They let us do whatever we want, you know, and they trust us. And, you know, I mean, granted the show costs, you know, $112 to make, which is not a lot out of their pockets, but they're putting it up.

Dave: Yeah.

David: You know?

Dave: It's good, it's *good* *for* *them.* And, I swear to God, they don't understand it, they don't know what's goin' on, they don't know why it's funny, they don't know why it's successful, but they know it's good for them, so that's why they're treatin' you well.

David: I-I honestly I gotta disagree with that--I mean, the people that I deal with are really pretty cool. I don't know, you know, I mean uh, there's crap at every network. You know, most of television--

[Dave's raising and waving his hand. David laughs, and the crowd erupts in laughter and woos.]

David: You know what I mean, I mean every--every network has just garbage and there's, and HBO has its share. I mean, there's a lot of, I mean, I can't condone sex cab confession, you know, things that they have where it's just all masturbation material.

Dave: Alright, here we go.

[Crowd laughs.]

Dave: Let's go. What else? What else can't ya condone, Dave?

[Crowd laughs]

David: [starts to rise from his chair, like he's making a stand. Nervous charactery voice:] And another thing!

[Dave and the crowd laughs.]

Dave: That's the Stockholm Syndrome.

[Dave and David laugh. A pause, so David speaks...]

David: But, you know, I don't, I, you know, whatever. C'mon, I can't.

[Crowd laughs.]

Dave: I know, I'm just saying, you're both good *and* lucky. You know what I'm sayin'?

David: Yeah.

Dave: And that's the best position to be in show business. But they treat ya well? They take of you? They fly you around and stuff?

David: Yeah. You know, they support the show. They do this thing -- and this is excessive if anything, it's ridiculous -- um, they have this affiliates', um not affiliates, but cable station subscriber owners -- these are multi-millionaires --

Dave: Yeah. They're gouging bandits.

[David and the crowd laugh]

David: Yeah. And they flew 'em all to Hawaii.

Dave: Right.

David: Which is like, for them it's like a trip to the store.

Dave: Exactly. Hookers? Hookers?

[Crowd laughs, but David doesn't miss a beat.]

David: Oh! Unbelievable. They're all hookers.

[Dave laughs uncontrollably, the crowd hasn't quite caught on yet.]

David: They all like -- they would all perform sexual acts on me for a hundred dollars.

[Now the crowd really laughs; Dave is still laughing.]

David: Awesome.

Dave: Really?!

David: Yah, yah.

Dave: Wow, that's odd. So, you guys, you and Bob, get to go to Hawaii?

David: Yeah! They fly us in a private jet, like the Playboy plane, you know, it's one of those things where everything is plum-colored and it's weird jazzy music and stuff. [Dave laughs] And and, they fly us to Hawaii, just to be there and be...us.

Dave: Yeah.

David: And, we're pretty viciously sarcastic and cynical. I don't know why they--

Dave: And, and maybe uncomfortable in large groups of people?

David: Yeah.

Dave: Is that fair to say?

David: Yeah, I mean I guess we're there to balance out, you know, Robert Wuhl and Tracy Ullman, I guess, but...

[Light laugher. Dave nods to the camera and makes a motion like David is getting on HBO; then he waves his fingers to say "bring it on."]

David: ...who are different...than...us, is what I'm sayin'. [Crowd laughs, Dave noticeably sees Dave's gestures and laughs] I didn't mean, that wasn't a slam on uh anybody [voice cracks] but myself.

[Dave and the crowd laugh.]

David: Oh, God in heaven, my medicine!

[Dave and crowd laugh again.]

Dave: Oh, you're fine, you fine.

David: But they, they uh, so they fly us out there to this paradise and then I get home and there's a Laserdisc DVD player waiting for me, thanking me for going to Hawaii.

Dave: Right. This proves my point.

David: That's ridiculous.

Dave: This proves my point. They're so nervous about losing you guys that they're over doing it, they're overcompensating for the fact that they don't get the show.

[Crowd laughs.]

David: I, honestly the, well, alright. You know, I think that there's, I'm sure there's people in New York who don't -- in the offices in New York who don't know--

Dave: Exactly.

David: They don't know anything about us--

Dave: Now, let's have some names. Let's go.

David: I don't know. They don't know who I am. I can't even -- I've never seen them, they've never seen me. [Dave laughs] They're, they're aware I do something affiliated with them.

Dave: That's right.

David: There's a reason they pay me a check; they don't know whether I'm in accounts receivable or have a show.

[Crowd laughs.]

Dave: Yeah.

David: But, the people we deal with in LA are great.

Dave: Good for you. And you're beginning your fouth season.

David: Yeah.

Dave: October twenty....fifth.

David: Sixth. Monday.

Dave: Good for you. Well, it's a nice effort and congratulations--

David: Well, thank you.

Dave: --you should be very pleased with yourself. Give my best to Mr. Odenkirk.

David: Alright, I will.

Dave: David Cross, everyone!

go back to the listings