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The
Race in Emmit
The
Report-
[Dennis throws it over to a remote done by Bob and David. David
is the reporter, Pete O’Brooman, and Bob is Fran Lasseter.]
Dennis:
The most interesting and heated election in the country is taking
place in the small town of Emmit, California. Here is Pete O’Brooman
with an in-depth report, Pete--
[David is in front of a large window that has two banners hanging
in it: "Republican Headquarters" and "Democratic Headquarters."]
David:
Thank you Dennis. I’m standing here at Republican Party Headquarters,
where the Republican Candidate for Mayor, Fran Lasseter, is raging
a furious war against his Democratic rival, himself. In an unprecedented
move, the same man has registered as both a Republican *and* a
Democrat *and* won the nominations of both parties. And, he has
come out swinging from both sides, with personal attacks, mudslinging,
and brutal gossip.
[Cut to David interviewing Bob, in Bob’s office.]
Bob:
If people want less government, then they vote for me, as a Republican.
If people want government that cares, then they vote for me, as
a Democrat. Gives the voters...a choice.
David:
So why has the campaign turned so ugly?
Bob:
[laughs/sighs] Well, you’ll have to ask my opponent that.
David:
[pauses] ...So...why has the campaign turned so ugly?
Bob:
I didn’t start it, okay? He did.
[Cut to a commercial. Suited scenes accompany the words.]
Voice-Over:
Government that cares! Democrat Fran Lasseter is a candidate that
listens to what people want and says yes. Meanwhile, Fran’s opponent
is busy saying yes to other things...like this prostitute!
Bob:
[in bed] Hey! What the hell?!
Voice-Over:
Which Fran Lasseter do you want? The Republican Fran Lasseter
who hired a prostitute to have sex with him? [Bob is heard in
the background, trying to get the camera turned off.] Or the Democrat
Fran Lasseter who talks to people in front of an American flag?
Vote for the Democrat Fran Lasseter. Paid for by the Democrat
Fran Lasseter for Mayor Committee.
[Cut back to David outside the window.]
David:
Harsh. But the Republican Fran has hit back just as hard.
[Cut to another commercial. Bob is outside with a wife and picking
up the kids.]
Voice-Over:
[the same man] Forgiveness. Sharing. Republican Fran Lasseter
knows that these are family values. Meanwhile, his opponent, Democrat
Fran Lasseter [who is seen in a gay bar] is living a double live
that goes against God and His teachings!
Bob:
[noticing the camera] Hey! What the hell?! No!
Voice-Over:
Which Fran Lasseter do you want for Mayor? The Democrat Fran Lasseter
with his dirty little secrets, or the Republican Fran Lasseter
with the acceptable lifestyle? Paid for by the Republican Fran
Lasseter for Mayor.
The
Independent Commercial-
[Later in the show. Bob is Fran Lasseter, whose accessorized with
a bow tie and suspenders, and speaks like Ross Perot.]
Bob:
People of Emmit, I’m Fran Lasseter--Independent Candidate for
the Mayor’s Office of this great city. Have you had enough of
the hot air and mudslinging of my two opponents? It’s embarrassing.
It’s sad. If votes were made of milk and I was a cow, I wouldn’t
give either of ‘em a drop. It’s very simple--vote for change;
vote for something different! Vote for *me,* Independent Candidate,
Fran Lasseter. I’m the Fran Lasseter with the bow tie and the
funny voice!
Credit to HBO/Moffitt-Lee Productions
Transcribed by Trista
Lycosky
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