Guests on this program were:

• Laura Ingraham
• Bob Odenkirk
• Meat Loaf
• Jay Thomas

Bill's Opening-

[ Cheers and Applause ]

Eric Idle: [as Ken Starr] You understand that perjury is a serious matter?

Bill: Yes, sir.

Eric: And you've waived your rights under executive privilege and that you're here to share your knowledge of the President's movements and actions to the best of your ability?

Bill: Yes, sir.

Eric: And you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

Bill: Yes, I do.

Eric: So, your intern, is she a goer? Eh? You know what I mean? Know what I mean?

[ Laughter ]

Nudge, nudge, know what I mean? Wink, wink. Say no more.

[ Laughter ]

Bill: I beg your pardon, Mr. Starr?

Eric: Your intern, does she go, eh? Does she go? Eh, eh, eh?

[ Laughter ]

Bill: I'm afraid I don't follow you, sir.

Eric: Follow me. Follow me. That's good. That's good. A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat, eh?

[ Laughter ]

Your intern's been around a bit, eh? Been around, eh?

Bill: She, uh, she has traveled, yes. She's from Brentwood.

Eric: Brentwood?!

[ Laughter ]

Say no more.

[ Laughter ]

Say no more. Say no more, squire. She's the "Full Monica."

[ Laughter and applause ]

Bill: Look, are you insinuating something?

Eric: Oh, no, no. Yes.

[ Laughter ]

Bill: Well, what is it?

Eric: I mean, well, you're -- you're not a Republican, so you've done it.

[ Laughter ]

You know, with a lady.

Bill: Never, and neither has the President.

Eric: Well, hypothetically, then.

Bill: Yes?

Eric: What's it like?

Nick Bakay V.O.: And now, from the U.S. comedy and arts festival in Aspen, Colorado, the star of "Politically Incorrect" -- Bill Maher!

[ Applause ]

Panel Discussion-

Bill: All righty, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for coming. Let us meet our panel. She is a correspondent for CBS News, and she puts the "hot" in hot-button issues. I'm sorry, Laura. Laura Ingraham. Where is she?

[ Applause ]

Laura, I'm so sorry. They write that for me. He is the Emmy-winning star of HBO's "Mr. Show with Bob and David." Bob Odenkirk. Where is he?

[ Applause ]

Bobby.

Bob: Hey, buddy.

Bill: He is an Emmy-winning actor/comedian. Here at the Comedy Festival he's starring in Alan Zweibel's "Happy Hour," our buddy, Jay Thomas. Yeah.

[ Applause ]

Jay: Thanks. Hey, buddy. How are you?

Bill: How are you, bud? And finally, his next movies are "Black Dog" and "The Mighty." He's an actor, a rocker, a rebel and a main course. Meat Loaf.

[ Applause ]

Meat: Hey! Hi, kids. Bill, how are you? How are you doing? Glad to see you. Glad to see you. How are you? How are you?

Bill: All right. We want to first of all --

Meat: Hi, hi.

Bill: All right. Sit down.

Laura: Now, sit down.

Meat: Calm down.

Bill: We want to first thank Eric Idle for doing that sketch. Wasn't he wonderful?

Jay: Fabulous.

Bill: He really was.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Now, the other thank you I have, this is our last night in Aspen. Thank you so much. This town has been great to us. Now, as long as we're here, I thought we would ask this question because it is germane. The jokes in Aspen all are about the fact that there are no black people here.

[ Laughter ]

Somebody to me today was kind enough to point out the one black person in Aspen. It turned out to be George Hamilton. I --

[ Laughter ]

I --

[ Applause ]

And I got some -- some actual statistics. There are permanent residents -- Aspen, 5,500, black folks, 15. So it is for all intents and purposes an all-white town. And my question is, is there anything inherently wrong with an all-white town?

Bob [ doing hillbilly accent ]: "Now, that's the way it goes, you know. People are attracted towards their own kind. And that's just natural.

[ Laughter ]

Well, now, I know we're supposed to joke around here, but I'm just saying, it's God -- God wanted it to go that way.

[ Laughter ]

It feels right, doesn't it?"

Laura: Thank you, Jesse Helms.

Jay: I think the 15 blacks in this town may beat your ass before the night's over.

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

Bob: Yeah. If they can find me in the crowd.

Jay: Well, you know what I was thinking? We ought to have forced busing up to the mountains.

[ Laughter ]

Laura: Exactly.

Jay: That would help.

Laura: Well, the snow's been really bad this year. Maybe they're just smart, you know, and they don't want to come here.

Bob: You know, it's sad when black rich people and white rich people can't hang out together. And that's the dream, is that some day rich people of all different ethnicities --

Bill: But they do.

Bob: -- can vacation together.

Bill: What about Clinton and Vernon Jordan? They hang out together.

Bob: Yeah, I guess they do.

Laura: But, Bill, the point is Aspen is the playground for the rich and famous. And, I mean, the fact that black people aren't here, the fact that, you know, we don't have a certain percentage of Hispanic people here, doesn't mean that people are being discriminated against from moving here. I mean, if the government is preventing people from moving here, then we obviously have a problem.

Jay: They don't have 800 bucks a night for a hotel room.

Laura: Who does?

[ Laughter ]

Who does? Except, you know --

Meat: Is that what you're paying?

Jay: 800 bucks a night.

Meat: Boy, they saw you coming.

Jay: They sure did.

[ Laughter ]

Laura: That's because you steal all the soaps and shampoos. The bathroom, I saw that.

Jay: And I had to give cash before I went in the room.

Bill: No, I wasn't arguing with the premise. I was just asking, is there anything wrong --

Bob: There's nothing wrong with it. You can't change it. But it just shows you that society is still out of balance. And --

Bill: Well, why is that out of balance? I mean, Clinton when he took office said he wanted a cabinet that looked like America. So he had a lot of different ethnic groups. But a lot of America --

Laura: A lot of criminals --

Bill: -- just looks like Aspen.

Laura: A lot of criminals in the cabinet.

[ Laughter ]

I don't think America's that criminal, frankly, as is his cabinet. It's a joke. It's a joke. I know -- I know this has been "Support Bill Clinton week" here. But --

Bob: Somebody has an axe to grind.

Jay: You know what? Are we talking about assimilation? Because my ancestors were mostly Italian. And when they came over they stopped speaking Italian. They became American. So the problem I have is that I think we all ought to be, like, Americans, and I guess you can, you can -- I mean, you can go have spaghetti night with your family like I did, but when I went to school I did the "Pledge of Allegiance" and saluted the flag. We weren't like, you know, singing Italian songs at the school. So I believe we need to assimilate. And I think assimilation is okay. But when I was in radio in L.A. I worked at a very big Hispanic radio station. And we had a person talking assimilation once and they got booed completely out of the building because they said that would destroy a culture if they assimilated into what the American culture is. I disagree with that. But I think that's also part of the problem.

Laura: The government should just let people do what they want. I mean, let people live where they want.

Meat: I disagree with that. I mean, I just bought a new house and my neighbors are Pat Boone and Ozzy Osbourne. I'm hoping for Little Richard and Louis Farrakhan right behind me.

[ Laughter ]

Laura: I'm staying out of your neighborhood.

Bill: I don't know what that meant.

Jay: I would not want to live --

Meat: No, but the block parties would be really good, wouldn't they?

[ Laughter ]

Bill: Um, okay.

Bob: I don't really understand what your point was -- are you saying blacks that ski --

Bill: It's not a point. It's a question. It's a question, because people are very sensitive about it here. It's like -- it's like there's something wrong if, I mean, if there's not a diversity. Because diversity is --

Bob: Well, there is something wrong. There's something wrong with society.

Bill: Is there something wrong?

Bob: Yes, absolutely. Because black people can't make enough money to come to Aspen.

Bill: That's not true. Black people --

Laura: Most of America can't make enough money to move to Aspen. What are you talking about?

[ Applause ]

You spend too much time in Beverly Hills.

Bob: That's true. HBO's paying for my trip.

Laura: Yeah, exactly. Well, I couldn't afford it.

Bob: I couldn't afford it either.

Meat: Maybe they don't want to come to Aspen.

Laura: Exactly. The belt buckles are too big here.

[ Laughter ]

Bob: Well, I'm with you. That's all it is.

Bill: And also, you know, the people in America nowadays who are mostly supporting segregation are blacks. Blacks in separate fraternities --

Bob: Oh, my God. I don't want to be a part of this group. Are we going to pray to some strange flag?

Laura: There's a lot of stuff going on on college campuses. You're right.

Bill: College campuses, they want separate fraternities. They want separate dormitories. Clarence Thomas of the Supreme Court --

Bob: Is black.

[ Laughter ]

Bill: Is black. And he has said --

Bob: Who let him on there?

Bill: As opposed to that landmark ruling we had about segregation in schools, he says there is nothing wrong with an all-black school. He says it is patronizing, the idea that blacks would need a white to teach them or to be in their class to make them better.

Jay: Well, what about in Detroit where it's -- I guess black kids are taught business English so that when they go to get a job, they're speaking, I guess, the King's English, whatever you want to call it. But during the day they want to, you know, talk any street way you want to talk. I mean, I don't go "'dem, 'dees and 'dose" when I'm looking for a job. So you speak sort of a King's English. Do you think that that's racist, that your making people speak --

Bill: No, but you said you're Italian. Your name is Thomas. Somebody there --

Jay: I changed it immediately. As soon as my family got to this country, we went, you know, "Thomas, that's it."

Bill: Well, that was sort of a pussy move.

[ Laughter ]

All right. We have to take a commercial. We'll be right back.

Jay: Thank you, Bill.

[ Applause ]

Bill: All right. We were about to talk about sport utility vehicles. But in the break, you said you thought the Republicans were pathetic about --

Laura: On the Bill Clinton thing, absolutely. On the Monica Lewinsky affair. You know how it's changed from "Crisis in the White House" to "Investigating the President." Now it's "The Monica Lewinsky Affair." It's like the blame has shifted to the women as this scandal has kind of proceeded. But no, I mean, the Republicans are noticeably silent sitting on their hands, kind of closing their office doors, you know, sitting in the dark. Hoping that the status quo --

Bob: They're not sitting on their hands behind the closed office doors.

Laura: Waiting for the status quo to carry them to victory in November.

Bob: There are many, many Monica Lewinskys.

Bill: Because I think they're quiet --

Laura: I'm not disagreeing with you.

Bob: And they're very busy with them right now.

Bill: Right. Exactly. It's because they're living in glass houses.

Jay: The reason why Clinton will never, ever, admit to being with Monica Lewinsky, I mean, you slept with a fat girl, right?

[ Laughter ]

You don't admit it. You don't admit it.

Meat: Wait a minute.

Jay: I mean, come on. She's like a double wide --

Meat: My wife has slept with me, okay?

[ Laughter ]

Jay: She's like a double-wide intern. I just, you know --

Laura: Come on. Oh, that's so lame.

Jay: It's the truth.

Meat: Yes, but he has denied sleeping with a fat girl.

Bill: Yes.

Bob: You know, he shouldn't have denied it. He should have just done like an "I didn't inhale" thing.

Laura: Bad use of verbs on that one.

Bob: Where he -- but I didn't --

Bill: But, Bob, that is exactly what they're doing now. The White House has been, or maybe it's the White House.

Jay: What? He didn't move his hips?

[ Laughter ]

I mean, what? What did he say?

[ Applause ]

What did he say? What did he say?

Bill: Well, this was --

[ Laughter ]

Laura works for CBS News, she knows. CBS News said the other day, their lead story was that, they were saying now that they just kissed, which is a complete --

Jay: They said they kissed?

Bill: They just kissed. It was the story that they were sort of floating to see how we would buy that. If maybe they just kissed. In other words --

Bob: Look, everybody knows what happened. Everybody knows.

Jay: They kissed, what?

[ Laughter ]

Bob: Jesus. It's so stupid. That's the point. Everybody knows what happened, and they don't care.

Laura: What part is stupid, witness tampering, obstruction of justice or suborning perjury? Which part is stupid? I must be confused about the federal criminal law.

Bob: It's not an issue that matters enough to bring down the government.

Laura: Oh, come on, no one is talking about bringing down the government. How about saying -- how about saying --

Bob: How do we look to the rest of the world?

Laura: Let me finish. How about saying, let's get a little bit of dignity back in government. Republicans, Democrats, I agree, both sides.

[ Applause ]

But let's bring -- let me finish. The chairman of AT&T would have been fired so fast by his board if he --

Bill: The chairman of AT&T would not have been investigated by a special prosecutor.

Laura: No, he would have been investigated by the board.

[ Applause ]

Bill: No, he wouldn't.

Laura: Absolutely.

Bill: Oh, please. Then why aren't all those --

Laura: They are. Bill, if --

Bill: They would all be in jail.

Laura: That's why we have sexual harassment laws right now in this country. Sexual harassment laws that the President pretends to support.

Bill: Did he harass her? Did he force her?

Laura: Kathleen Willey, what do you think Kathleen Willey is saying?

Bob: They had an affair. They had an affair.

Laura: Kathleen Willey, do you think that's not -- ? You know, if indeed what she says under oath is true, that is sexual harassment.

Bob: Well, look I'm sorry.

Laura: I think that's actually more serious.

Bob: I don't read the news -- actually read the news --

Laura: Yeah, I guess not.

Bob: -- To the nation like you do.

Laura: I don't read the news either.

Bob: But I don't know who Kathleen Willey --

Bill: She is a woman who came forward, not voluntarily. By Linda Tripp's own account, she said Clinton made a pass at her and she was delighted by it. Delighted, Laura.

Laura: That's actually not true. She said it was an untoward advance, and she's a supporter of the President.

Bill: She said she was delighted, and that is true.

Laura: There's completely conflicting evidence on it. The point is --

Bill: Why should there be any evidence on it?

Laura: As a country -- no. As a country -- no, let me just finish. As a country, should we be saying it's okay for a 51-year-old married guy to have sex in his office with a 21-year-old intern?

Meat: Yes, yes!

Bill: Yes!

[ Applause ]

Meat: Yeah. Absolutely.

Bill: If she wants it --

Bob: If it's okay with his wife.

Meat: If she wants it, then yes!

Bill: Isn't that what freedom is about?

Jay: Let's make that a law. Make it a law.

Laura: I must have missed that line in the Constitution, Bill. I must have missed that. I mean, come on.

Meat: Is anybody else sick of hearing about it?

[ Cheers and applause ]

I mean, am I sick about hearing whether Bill Clinton's wiener is crooked or not?

[ Laughter ]

Bob: But there's a reason people are sick of it. Because they don't think it's an issue big enough to drag on this long.

Meat: Yeah.

Bob: They judge it --

[ Applause ]

Meat: Absolutely, absolutely.

Bob: That's why they're sick of it. Not because they just tire of the news. Although I suppose. But people -- America is not mature enough to handle him saying or it getting out that he had an affair and just letting it go.

Laura: But it's not a matter of -- it's not just the matter of the affair.

Bob: Because really he should just be honest and say, "I inhaled and I had an affair." And we should all go, "Whatever, how's the presidency going?"

[ Laughter and applause ]

Bill: Okay, I have to take a commercial at this point. But we'll come back.

Bill: All right. Now, I heard the crowd when they said they were -- they all clapped when they said, "We're sick of this." I think that's complete B.S., but since you said it, let's move on to another topic. Okay.

Bob: And no more arguing, okay?

[ Laughter ]

Meat: Listen, I'll argue with you if I want to, okay?

Laura: Yeah.

Bill: Bob --

Meat: Don't be telling me not to argue.

Bob: All right, Meat.

Bill: Listen. Bill Gates was hauled before Congress this week to testify about his little company, Microsoft.

[ Laughter ]

And they are trying to, I guess, use the old monopoly argument against him, that he has a monopoly and he's a bad guy. I don't understand this. Because the original antitrust laws were brought against the railroads because the railroads were a monopoly. They jacked up the prices and so people had to pay more for freight or to travel. But software prices have gone down. How can this guy be a bad guy if the prices have gone down for the consumer?

Laura: What an easy target. I mean, Bill Gates. You know, $46 billion. And Orrin Hatch stands up there and he wags his finger at him and he says, you know, "You're doing the country a disservice." Like, Microsoft has employed thousands of people in this country. They provide a product to the middle class of this country at a cheap price that operates computers all over the world well. And there are other companies that are trying to compete. And if the Microsoft Internet explorer was such an inferior product, people would not -- you know, would buy a companion product and supplant it. I mean, it's ridiculous.

Bill: The folks who --

Bob: I don't think it's ridiculous.

[ Laughter ]

I like you, but I don't think it's ridiculous.

Bill: Why?

Meat: I thought you said not to argue.

Bob: I know. I'm so sorry.

[ Laughter ]

Laura: He owns a lot of Netscape stock, clearly.

Bob: I actually have Netscape and it's wonderful.

[ Laughter ]

Meat: I agree with you on that. Netscape --

Laura: And aren't you the national spokesman for Netscape?

Bob: But seriously, I think that Bill Clinton -- or --

Bill: Bill Gates.

Bob: Bill Gates.

Meat: Gates, Gates.

Bob: All right. He slept with who?

Meat: With Clinton? No.

Bob: He owns a language. He owns the manner of communication. And so if he limits where you can go with that, if somebody owned words and said, you can't use verbs --

Laura: You can't own the Internet, though. What are you talking about?

Bob: But he owns the operating system of the computer. And when you buy his computers they come up with the Microsoft navigator right away. So he leans you in that direction towards another product. And I think that's unfair. Somebody was going to come up with a computer language, he did.

Bill: But isn't that what any business would do?

Jay: Wait a minute. Isn't that like me going and they put Al Pacino up there, in Congress, me and five other 5'8" curly-haired actors go, "Why is he getting all the work?"

Laura: Exactly.

[ Laughter ]

'Cause he's better, that's why he's getting --

Jay: That's what I'm saying. He's getting all the work.

Laura: Sorry. Not better than you.

Jay: No, but I'm saying -- his competitors are there --

Bob: No, no, no. It's this.

Jay: I mean, you're supposed to get the work, right?

Bob: It's if Al Pacino invented movies and he put himself in every one.

Jay: You liked it. You're the only one that liked it.

Laura: I love it.

Jay: Quit touching me.

[ Laughter ]

Laura: All right. Thanks a lot. Thanks a lot.

Jay: No, I mean, really.

Meat: He's already been married three times. Get your hands off of him.

[ Laughter ]

Bob: Oh, my God.

Jay: I'm down to two pair of underwear and some socks.

Meat: That's true. And he's got alimony.

Laura: That's right.

Meat: That's sexual harassment.

Jay: I would not like to meet you in divorce court. I got to tell you that right now. All right.

Bill: The --

Meat: But he is right over here. What if Al Pacino invented movies and put himself in every one of them?

Jay: That's okay, too.

Bill: That's not -- that's not the analogy that really is accurate, though.

Bob: Why not?

Bill: Bill Gates did not invent the computer. And he's not -- the two people who testified against him were the guys from Netscape and Sun Microsystems who are also billionaires.

Laura: His competitors.

Bill: So it's a fight between billionaires because one of them has a little more billion than the other.

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

Meat: Bill Gates is obviously smarter than the other ones.

Bill: He won.

Meat: He won.

Bill: He won.

Jay: I got to tell you this country is so screwed up. I mean --

Bill: Oh, yes.

Meat: I beg your pardon?

Jay: No, but I mean, why was he even in front of Congress? What, I mean, are they going to pass a law?

Bob: No, because --

Jay: Are they going to pass a law?

Bob: Geez. Look, I don't understand all the ins and outs, but he owns this system that everybody has, and it leads you towards Microsoft products that have nothing to do with the language. And because of the nature of it, because it's a communication, everybody has to share the same language. So the person who invented that language now owns where you can go with it.

Laura: No, he doesn't. You can buy any browser with Microsoft products.

Bob: I know you can, but -- he is doing --

Meat: But with Windows, with Microsoft Windows.

Bob: He has practices that lean you towards Microsoft products.

Laura: Competitors better make better products that are cheaper and that work better, and then maybe they'll make more money. I mean, these people are all making a huge amount of money employing a huge amount of people.

Bob: That doesn't mean anything. So what? That has nothing to do with the argument.

Laura: They're basically duking it out and they want the government to come in and rescue them. I mean, the government should stay out of this. It's ridiculous.

Meat: Yeah, but --

[ Applause ]

Bill: Okay. We have to take a commercial. We'll come right back.

Announcer: Join us Monday when our guests will be -- Robert Klein, Kevin Pollak, Larry Miller and David Cross.

[ Applause ]

Bill: All right. Yes, he did. As promised --

Bob: More questions, right?

[ Laughter ]

Bill: Yes. I have one more question. Sports utility vehicles. You see them everywhere here. But you know, you also see them in L.A., which has nothing to do with sports or --

Meat: Anything.

Bill: Right.

Meat: It has nothing to do with anything.

Bill: But, you know, it's been all over the paper the last few months that, you know, everybody is getting bigger cars because they've read that when you crash into one of these things, you'll die. And I think it's --

Laura: No, but the truck survives. That's the good thing.

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