Incredulous Amazements

Billy: Our next guests you will recognize from the award-winning, late night infomercial "Incredulous Amazements." Here is Mike McMichery.

[David is Mike and Bob is Ernie. Like "Thrilling Miracles" from Season Two, David wears a sweater, glasses, and a wig. Bob has on his suspenders and red wig, and speaks with a British accent. Both are just a chipper. If anything differs, David gets to act more insanely enthusiastic this time. There is a table on stage which has a Comic Relief shirt and sweatshirt, and several bowls filled with materials that cause the usual, annoying stains...]

[Music plays and David jogs out.]

David: Hey!! Ha ha ha! Oh boy! Well, hey everybody, boy do we have an incredible, fantastical, new amazement to show you tonight! Do you wanna see it? Do ya? [gets the audience to applaud] Ha ha ha! All right! Well, here to show it to us is our old friend from across the ocean--Ernie! Ha ha ha.

[Music plays and Bob jumps onto the stage.]

David: Oh boy!

Bob: 'ello, 'ello, Mike! Answer me a question, a query, a queest -- are you tired of being cold, dirty, or unclothed?

David: Boy, am I.

Bob: Are you all tired of that? [he tries to get audience to clap]

David: My audience is!

Bob: They sure are! Mike, I'm here to tell you and the world of the amazing, fantastical, romantical, incredulous new invention -- the Comic Relief t-shirt and sweatshirt!

David: Wwwow! Hey, it looks good, but I don't know, my audience demands more than good looks, don't you? Huh? [audience applauds] C'mon, what does it do?

Bob: Do me a favor Mike, put it on. You wanna see him put it on, don't you? [gets audience to applaud]

David: Alright, I don't know about this. [slips it in on over his sweater] You're always getting me into situations. Ha ha! Oh boy!! [laughs insanely] Wwwow!! It really feels good.

Bob: It feels too good, doesn't it?

David: It's great.

Bob: But Mike, it does more than just feel good. Do you in an Italian neighborhood?

David: Well, of course I do, who doesn't?

Bob: That's right. Well, then you must get a lot of spaghetti sauce on you! [whips the bowl of tomato sauce at his shirt]

David: Ohh, boy, do I!

Bob: Mike, do you like to take walks?

David: Sure...under trees!

Bob: Sure, then you must get leaves [toss leaves onto him, a few stick to the shirt] on you!

David: Yeah. Ha ha.

Bob: Mike, one more question-- do you work in a zoo?

David: Well of course I do, Ernie, who doesn't?!

Bob: Then you must have bird droppings [throws 'em at him] all the time!

David: Yeah.

Bob: And monkey poo! [throws] Monkey poo! And, of course, rhinoceros sperm!

[Throws, some gets near David's mouth.]

David: Oh.

Bob: Happens all the time!

David: [out of character] Wow, it tastes just like chicken sperm.

Bob: [Bob laughs a bit] That's good information for all of us...now we don't have to check, but...

[He got David to chuckle.]

Bob: But take a look, the t-shirt still looks great, doesn't it?!

David: Hey, it does, doesn't it, folks?!

Bob: That's right, and here's another thing, this t-shirt and this sweatshirt are guaranteed pussy magnets! You like pussy, don't ya?!

David: Well, of course I do, who doesn't?!

Bob: Grreat.

David: Okay, okay. You've sold me. But tell me, how much?

Bob: Mike, I'm not done. This t-shirt does one more thing; it helps homeless people get back on their feet.

David: Well, how does it do that?

Bob: [drops accent for line] I-I don't know-I don't-- [accent back] I have no idea!

David: Okay, okay, but come on, let's get back to the price. Hoooow much?

Bob: Mike, tonight for you and your special audience, $10 for the t-shirt, $10 for the sweatshirt. Whattya say?

David: Mmm, I don't know. That doesn't seem high enough. My audience wants to donate more. Don't we, folks?! Yeah.

Bob: All right. Mike, you've got my back up against to the wall. Today only, the t-shirt is $30, the t-shirt and sweatshirt $60. What do you say?

David: You got a deal!! [David shakes Bob's hand and jobs up and down] Oh boy!! [insanely laughs] Thank you!

[Both take off their wigs and bow.]

David: Goodnight everybody. Thank you so much.

[They leave the stage. Whoopi comes on and jesters to the audience -- she didn't get it and assumes the audience is just as slow. The crowd laughs, at her, I can only imagine.]

Whoopi: I must be gettin' old. [reading prompter] That was Bob Odenkirk and David Cross, of the popular Mr. Show, part of HBO's Round Midnight. Leave it to a cable network to approximate the time a show it on, it's like they're gonna fuckin' hook you up, or something. Anyway, it's like too bizarre for me. There are certainly -- They are certainly worth staying up for.

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