Naked Phrase Guess

Whoopi: ...Comic Relief t-shirts are flying off the shelves. And, not to take anything away from Rosie Perez or Jason Alexander, the increase in donations seems to have to do with the selling power of the gentlemen from the Mr. Show, Bob Odenkirk and David Cross. [Whoopi laughs, the crowd applauds] In fact, I'm tellin' you, they were so popular tonight that we gotta bring them back on stage. . .but we're not gonna ask them to sell anything. This time they're gonna entertain you with their imaginative and original comedy. So, please welcome, Bob Odenkirk and David Cross.

[They enter in their regular dress, as themselves. There's some words that I can't make out...not that a transcript could recreate the bit anyway.]

Bob: Hi, I'm Bob Odenkirk. This is David Cross.

David: Hi, how are you?

[At the same time:]

Bob: We--

David: Well--

Bob: Let's go.

David: Oh yeah, well we're in the middle of production of a fourth season of Mr. Show and we didn't really have time to prepare anything tonight. They just asked us to come back and do something else...

Bob: Yeah, but we decided to have some fun and do an improv. [overly excited] Wee!

David: Yeah, you guys like improvisation, right?

[Crowd reacts]

Bob: Okay, all right...

David: Purest theater.

Bob: ...That's good.

David: The purest form of theater.

Bob: *I* have never improvised *ever* in my life. So, this is extremely exciting for me, but I'm going to put myself in my friend's hands...

David: Yeaa.

Bob: ...cuz he's done it a lot.

David: Today, you become a man.

Bob: [laughs] Okay, leave that alone.

David: Alright, alright, don't worry. We'll, we'll, we'll just play a simple little game. This is uh, this is gonna be fun.

Bob: Promise?

David: Yeah. Absolutely, I promise.

Bob: Okay.

David: Okay, here's what I'm gonna do--

Bob: [filled with excitement] Ahh!

David: --You guys have to help me. I'm gonna get a common phrase from the audience.

Bob: Okay.

David: You know, something like, uh uh, "A penny saved is a penny earned."

Bob: Right, okay.

David: And, what we're gonna do is take you out there, where we have a sound-proof booth and you have to put these helmety-things on.

Bob: Alright.

David: And uh, and then we'll come back and we'll improvise a scene, and you have to guess what the phrase is through improvisation. All right?

Bob: A-a penny saved is a penny earned?

David: Y-yeah, well, that's not the phrase.

Bob: Oh.

David: We'll get another phrase.

Bob: Okay.

David: You know that one. Now, just any common phrase, alright?

Bob: [to audience] Is this cool?

David: You guys, it'll be fun.

Bob: Were you going anywhere?

David: It's a really fun improv.

Bob: You weren't goin' anywhere.

[Audience applauds, politely.]

David: Yeah, it's great.

Bob: C'mon, you got all dressed up.

David: So, okay. I need just an assistant to help take Bob off, and take him back. What's your name ma'am?

[Bob goes down into the audience to get her up.]

David: C'mon, we're--

Bob: Will you help us? Give her a round of applause.

David: We're on fuckin' national television, live. Give me a break.

Bob: Give this lady some--

David: Ahh, yeah.

Bob: Jill, it's Jill.

David: Okay great.

Bob: We found Jill.

David: Alright, Jill? Will you take uh Bob up there. Take him up there, through the back--

[She leads Bob up the aisle.]

David: -- And make sure that he can't hear us, and make sure he takes all his clothes off. All right, okay. It's a simple little game--

[Bob stops and turns back to David.]

Bob: Hold it. I'm sorry, wwhat did you say?

David: Uh, make sure you can't hear.

Bob: I can't hear.

David: Yeah, you can't hear. And make sure you take all your clothes off. Yeah.

Bob: [pause] Really? Okay, cuz I've never seen that.

David: Yeah, it's a commonly -- it's called Naked Phrase Guess. It's a real common improv game and it'll sharpen your theater skills.

Bob: Okay. [excited again] Okay! I-- Okay, if that's how you say it is.

David: It is. It's a lot of fun.

Bob: Let's have fun. [To Jill] Let's go.

[They walk up the aisle, go right, and out into the corridor.]

David: Okay, let's make sure Bob gets back there. And uh again, we have a sound-proof booth. And uh--

[Bob turns back one more time.]

Bob: I have to. . .be. . .okay, whatever.

David: Yeah. Make sure you can't hear and take all your clothes...

[Bob goes out of view.]

David: Alright. Jill, is he back there? Is he back there? [he gets the go-ahead] Alright, so let's uh get a phrase from the audience. [David jumps down into the audience, and speaks in hush tones. First he goes to an old man.] Sir, um thank you very much for coming down tonight, how you doin'?

Man: Fine.

David: Awesome! Do you have a common phrase for us?

Man: No.

David: Of course, why would you? Alright [to the general area] sir, does anyone have a common phrase? Yes, anything. [He's drawn to one woman.] Yes?

Woman: A stick in time saves nine.

David: Okay, a stick in time saves nine. Anybody else?

[Someone from the other side yells out something.]

David: Happy is what?

Person: Happy is like a sloth. (?)

David: Oh, I've said that three times already today. What a common phrase. Alright. [spots another woman.]

Woman 2: An apple a day keeps the doctor away?

David: That's a good one. [She gets excited.] Alright, you guys hear it? [He gets back up on stage.] Do you know what it is? Alright, so. [mouths it] Everybody hear it? Okay, so when Bob's ready, bring him out. Is he ready? Alright. [He makes his way out, but most don't pick him up yet.] Good, he didn't, he didn't hear anything right?

[Now the crowd wildly reacts with shock, laughter, and applause. Bob's completely naked, except for a well-placed hand. He inches out. Then makes his way up to the stage.]

David: Alright, excellent. [The crowd still going.] Alright, this is a lot of fun. [Still.] Great.

[Bob's now on stage. The crowd erupts in applause and "woos."]

David: Alright. [Still. David shouts over them.] Sir! Hello sir! Hi, welcome to, welcome to my produce store. [Still.] Hi, welcome to my produce store, my little market, are you interested in anything today?

Bob: [with trepidation] It's so big!!

[The crowd dies down.]

David: Yes, it's one of the world's largest markets.

Bob: Oh, the store?!

David: It's a produce store.

Bob: I'm in a store?!

David: Yeah, we're in a produce store. Here, c'mon sir, c'mon.

Bob: What do you have here?!

David: Well, we have all kinds of things...

Bob: Things things! I like things! Is that a phrase?!

David: No, I love things, too. Now, you might be interested in our produce...

Bob: Produce! Ah!

David: Fruits and vegetables.

Bob: Ah, tomatoes!

David: Tomatoes are great. Tomatoes are great.

Bob: You say tomato I say tomotto!! [He reacts as if he guessed it.]

David: Okay sir, I certainly do. But, you might be interested in some fruits, more...

Bob: Fruits.

David: Our red fruits.

Bob: It's apples and oranges!...to mee...

David: It *is* apples and oranges, we have a lot of those.

Bob: Oh yeah?

David: These are-are red fruits that-that come off of a tree that you make--

Bob: I said *tomato.* Oh -- apples...

David: Oh, That might be interested in uh..

Bob: You're a rotten apple!!

David: Oh, c'mon, don't say that, sir. I'm trying to be--

Bob: An apple a day keeps the doctor away!

David: Well, that's true but--

[The crowd applauds for Bob's guess and he acts all proud and bows. But, David keeps going.]

David: It doesn't really apply today.

Bob: [didn't hear him] Yeah!

David: You might be interested in our-- sir, it's a red fruit that grows from a tree...and you make a thing out of it. A red fruit that you pluck off of a tree--

Bob: But, but, they clapped.

David: Sir, please take a look.

Bob: [gets hysterical. his voice raises a few octaves. says something that's intelligible, then: ] What??!!! What is it?!!!

David: That wasn't -- let's get in the uh time machine! Get in my time machine!

[David pretends he driving. Bob jumps behind him, putting one hand on David's shoulder. Bob still mumbling.]

David: Let's go back in time! ...to, now there's a caveman. A dinosaur, sir!

Bob: Time heals all wounds!

David: They're dinosaurs, what--

Bob: A stitch in time...save...nine.

David: [imitates a dinosaur and growls]

Bob: [he's done guessing] I don't fuckin' know!!

David: Alright, alright, get back in the time machine.

Bob: No!! No, no! [pushes him away] You fuckin' asshole! [crowds reacts loudly] I thought you were my friend! You got me up naked in front of fuckin' Radio City Music Hall!! [Crowd erupts in cheers and applause] You are not a friend! You are nothin' but a stupid jerk-ass dick!

David: That's the phrase! "Stupid jerk-ass dick." That was the phrase!

[David laughs and Bob immediately acts proud again.]

David: He gave it to us! Hey! Bob Odenkirk, ladies and gentlemen! What a sport. Thanks so much! Alright.

[They walk off to wild applause. Cut to Billy who's bewildered, he waits to speak until the crowd dies down, but then Robin comes out. Early in the night Billy and Whoopi made a wager with Robin. If Robin didn't do any of his talking cock or other penis jokes, Billy and Whoopi would donate $500,000 each, if Robin failed he'd have to donate something like $15 million.]

Billy: Don't!

[Robin is grinning from ear to ear.]

Robin: Yes!!

Billy: The nominees for best short subject--

Robin: Yes! I *want* this show! [pause] I've been bad!

Billy: They were worse.

Robin: Our donations are *up!* Yes!

Billy: Keep your hands at your sid--

Robin: [grinning] I didn't say shit. [pause] Dammit that's a fine ass!

Billy: Oh Boy. [laughing] We weren't at rehearsal.

Robin: Yes!

Billy: It's deliv--

Robin: And it's cold in here, too!

Billy: Sorta Deliverance with a laugh-track. [meows] Rwwor!

Robin: Oh!

Billy: Now, pick up a pencil--now I have to do this--now pick up your pencil. [shouts off stage] Hey, pick up your pencil!

Robin: My God, some asshole's got my pen!

[Crowd erupts again]

Billy: Oh what the hell. [starts to undo his belt buckle.]

Robin: No!

Billy: C'mon, c'mon.

Robin: No no baby! [women shout] Awh! Yeah. Alright lady, I'll do it, you back up. You don't wanna see it, no I'm not goin'--

Billy: Write this number down: 1-800-528-1000. Call, or we'll bring his ass out again. [pause] But just his ass...

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