Partial Season One, Show One

Introduction: Hitler Sings/Guys in Audience

Cast-

• Bob- himself & loser #1
• David- himself & loser #2
• John- Stevie

[ Enter Bob and David onto stage ]

Bob: Thank you, I am Bob Odenkirk.

David: And I'm David Cross.

Bob: Well America, you asked for it, you told HBO, "we want to see a sketch show hosted by two people we've never seen before."

David: And that's us, so here we are.

Bob: You're probably asking yourself, "what is this show?" Well, it's whatever you want it to be.

David: So let’s start. We need a suggestion for the show. Anybody a suggestion for the show?

Bob: Oh, over here, yes sir.

Bob [ as loser ]: Yeah, I have an idea, um... what if for your show you guys played different characters.

Bob: Thanks, good, great suggestion moron!

David: Bob

Bob: What?

David: You can't insult people like that, right off the bat. You know, they don't know who we are.

Bob: Okay, alright, you're right. Well let’s show them why HBO gave us this show, let’s knock them on their asses... You brought your asses, didn't you?

David: Yeah, let’s do a little ass knocking, alright.

Bob: You start.

David: Okay, I will now do a selection from my one man show "Hitler Sings." --
When will I be special?
When will I be someone whose loved for me?
If I stumble upon a me at the door, should I open it wide or close it and look through the peep hole, I wonder.

Bob: [ As David sings ] Folks, there's something you should know about David Cross. He attended public schools and he confuses Hitler with Anne Frank.

[ David finishes his song ]

Bob: David Cross everyone! Now it is my turn. I would now like to recite the names of all the states in 18 seconds. You'll time me?

David: You got it!

[ Bob waits for David to set up his watch ]

Bob: Okay, you ready?

David: I'm just going to wait for it to go back around.

[ Bob waits a few more seconds ]

Bob: How much time?

David: About 55 seconds.

Bob: Why don't you just set it on the 15.

David: Okay, go!

Bob: Indiana, Illionsis... um.. Whin-concin... ah... Tasceny, Chim-Cham.

David: Okay, got it, you did it!

Bob: Yeah, I did it! I did it!

[ Bob grabs an American flag and does a victory lap around the audience ]

David: Look at him go. Alright folks, Bob missed his first day of school and he never really caught back up. So he thinks there are only five states and one of them is named Chim-Cham.

Bob: Yes, yes!

David: Way to go buddy!

[ Loser #1 stands up to say something to Bob & David]

Bob [ as loser ]: Yeah, Bob and David, I had another idea.

Bob: Yeah, what is it?

Bob [ as loser ]: What if instead of making it up as you go along, you had a script for the show and you did like... tested material.

David: What, you know what? You just bought your ticket out of here!

Bob: Get him out of here, and his friend too!

[ Security guards come and take the two losers out of the studio ]

Bob [ as loser ]: Hey I didn't...

David [ as loser ]: I didn't do nothing! Mr. Show, Mr. Blow more like it. Stupid show, I didn’t do shit!

Bob and David: Bye, see ya!

[ The two losers are kicked outside. They walk along the sidewalk and talk ]

Bob: Wow, Bob and David have really changed.

David: Oh fuck that! Who wants to see their dumb-ass show anyway?

Bob: I did, but not anymore. They use to be nice guys but then this Mr. Show has like gone to their heads.

David: Yeah, they thinks their Ronny Fucking Dobbs!

Bob: Please don't swear.

David: [ mockingly ] Please don't swear.

[ Jeep pulls up with John in it ]

David: Alright, Stevie. party time! See you later you sack of shit, Boo!

[ David runs up and jumps into the jeep ]

David: Party time!

John: Man, what about Ernie?

David: Shut the fuck up, you want him to hear us? [ To Bob ] Fuck you asshole!

[ Jeep drives off leaving Bob alone ]

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