Season One, Show Two

Opening: Arts Funding

[ Bob, as Senator Tankerbell, addresses Senate floor on Referendum no. 2102 - Arts Funding Hearing. Broadcast live on C-Span 3 ]

Bob: ...and that's the shine-ola on that one. [ quick shot of three bored politicians in the chamber ] Now I would like to address this arts funding issue. Now this all reminds me of a humorous story of the traveling salesman. Let's say that the taxpayer is a farmer and the government is a salesman. Well the farmer says "You can spend the night in my barn, but do me a favor, don't stick your willie into any of the three holes in the wall." Well in this case the salesman's willie represents the taxpayers money you understand. Well the government like the salesman can't help himself. Sticks his willie in the first hole, and it feels good. [ quick shot of one interested senator ] Sticks his willie in the second hole and it feels even better. Sticks his willie in the third hole and it hurts like hell and it won't let go! Well in the morning the farmer comes out and he explains "Behind the first hole was my wife. Behind the second hole was my daughter and behind the third hole was a milking machine that won't let go until it gets 50 gallons, ha, ha, ha!" [ quick shot of a practically empty floor ] GENTLEMEN I PROPOSE THAT THIS ARTS FUNDING IS LIKE A MILKING MACHINE AND UNLESS WE SHUT IT DOWN, IT'S GONNA RIP OUT DICKS RIGHT OFF!

David V.O.: Tonight's show is brought to you by the new U.S. Government. Improving the arts by severely limiting them.

Introduction: Tracking Collar

Cast:

• Bob- himself and Senator Tankerbell
• David- himself

[Mary-Lynn: Hey everyone, here's Bob and David.]

[Enter Bob on stage ]

Bob: Thank you, Thank you, Thank you very much, yes, thank you. Hello I am Bob Odenkirk. Welcome to Mr. Show. My co-host David Cross is over there off stage.

[ David is standing in the audience waving ]

David: Hey.

Bob: Okay, now David refuses to do the show so...

David: Bob, tell them, tell them why I can't do it.

Bob: Okay, as part of a new government program, certain artists have been assigned senators to monitor them.

David: They made me wear a tracking collar.

Bob: If David steps on a stage, it produces a low level electric shock.

David: It's not low level, it really hurts.

Bob: Okay look, obviously the show isn't that important to you. So instead I will be doing my a cappella version of the rock opera Tommy. "Tommy look at me, Tommy over here, Way over..."

David: Okay Bob, Okay Bob, I'll do it.

Bob: Alright he's going to do it!

[ David tries to step on stage ]

Bob: Come on Come on You can do it David.

[ David gets a buzz everytime his feet come on stage ]

David: Oww, oww!

Bob: Come on it doesn't hurt that much. Do you want it? Gotta want it.

[ David gets all the way on stage and is showing great pain ]

Bob: Okay, let's start with the baseball sketch... [ Bob puts on a baseball cap, then puts one on David's head. As he makes contact, he gets a shock ] Okay well it's a beautiful day here in the old ball park. Here comes a vender.

David: Peanuts and cracker jacks, JESUS BOB IT HURTS!

Bob: Let's see, I'll have some...

[ Big screen TV comes on with Senator Tankerbell (Bob) on it ]

Bob: David, David, it's me, Senator Tankerbell.

David: Senator, please, the collar, please, please.

Bob: Oh, hold on a second. Let me get that for you.

[ Senator pulls out a remote control, presses some buttons and David removes the collar ]

Bob: There, that should take care of it.

David: Thank you, thank you.

Bob: You're welcome. Now you're suppose to tell me before you get on stage.

David: Yes sir, I'm sorry. I thought you were out of town, I thought you were going to be...

Bob: Well I am, I'm very busy. I'm with all you artists, I'm busier than a high priced whore at an electronics convention, ha ha ha.

Ole Swerdlow

Cast:

• Bob- Tankerbell
• David- himself and Ole Swirlo

Bob: Right now I'm in Valdosta, Georgia for the annual Folk Festival and Jelly Off. I'm suppose to be judging art, etc.

[ Walks over to a man (David) sitting on a box with an wooden doll ]

Bob: Who are you? What are you all about?

David: Well I'm Ole Swirlo, and this is the Ozark Mountain tradition of Song Storying.

Bob: I'll decide what it's called, Ole. Just make with the art.

David: Well alrighty, get Limber Legs on up there.

[ David places wooden puppet on a board on his knee. Starts to beat the board with one hand and sing ]

David: "Old Limber Legs, we're walking down old Miller Creek. And when he saw that big old cow, he jumped back in the sink, Old Limber Leeeggs, we're walking...."

Bob: Alright now stop that Ole, stop that!

[ Bob grabs the puppet, covering it up with his hand ]

Bob: I'm very sorry you had to see this folks. Now Ole, Mr. Limber Legs ain't wearing no clothes, I find myself to me aroused and titillated by all this.

David: Well Senator this is a tradition as old as a Georgia sunset.

Bob: Shut up, shut up Ole! David do you see what I have to contend with. I've got a naked puppet doing a lewd lacidious fandango on the lap of a full grown man. I've got women over here dipping candles. I've got a fellow over here, he's got a butter turner. It's like a pioneer porn shop in here. Close them down boys, close them down!

[ Government agents come in and raid the festival grabbing people and knocking down exhibits ]

David: Senator I think you're... wait that's my Limber Legs!

Bob: David, what's your show about?

David: Well it's called... "Hooray For America." It's a comedy show.

Bob: Oh, comedy. And it's jokes, huh?

David: Oh yeah, just jokes, talk about America and it's greatness, and you know. I wish you could see it. I wish you could see it.

Bob: Yeah, I wish I could see it, too, David. I wish I could be anywhere people are doing art. So I could see it before the public sees it and I could keep them from being titillated or aroused or in anyway confused by the counterculture. I wish, but I'm just one senator. I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish...

Books for Seniors

Cast:

• Tom- husband
• Jill- wife

Tom: I wish, I wish, and the Senator wished so hard that he grew magical wings and--

Jill: Honey, I think he's asleep.

Tom: Look at him.

[ They look down and see an old man sleeping in a lounge chair, snoring ]

Jill: What a precious little thing.

Tom: [ to camera ] You know these books for seniors really do the trick. Colorful pictures, big printing, and all their favorite characters. Senator Tankerbell, the magical right wing senator. Zim and Zam, the pro-golfers in outer-space. Bibley, the little Bible, and his under sea adventures. They're all here in this wonderful set of books.

[ Shot of the old man snoring ]

Tom: [ quietly ] Order now.

Bob V.O.: Now available in easy to swallow caplets.

Good News*

Cast-

• Bob- Dr. Rudy Moore, the host of Good News, he wears a suit, tie, and a blond wig
• David- Burton Quimm, the founder of Overcome, he wears a brown wig.
• Jill- Penny

["Good News" title screen is on the screen for a few seconds, then it fades into Bob and Jill, who are on a talk show set with two chairs. Bob is seated on the left, and the Jill is seated on the right]

Bob: Well thank you for joining us today Penny, and I'll see you at the Dallas Joy-athon. [to camera] And thank you for tuning in to Good News today. You know, if you watch us tomorrow we'll be visiting with Burton Quimm, the leader of Overcome, an organization that helps men and women renounce the sin of homosexuality. If you remember, Burton was first with us in 1982 as a college student when he founded Overcome.

[Cut back to an earlier show, a caption reads "1982." It is the same Good News set as the present. Bob is on the left, David is on the right wearing a green T-shirt, and gray slacks.]

David: Part of the gay conspiracy is recruitment, active recruitment on campus. They tell people it's all right to be a homosexual, and I stupidly got caught up in their propaganda and now I know that I was just a confused heterosexual, and I'm really who God wants me to be.

[Cut back to the present]

Bob: We'll hear about Burton's slip into temptation as he was misled by the unrelenting homosexual cavow.

[Fade to clip of David and friends at a house part, there is party music in the background. David is wearing a tank top, high cut tight denim shorts, with a bandanna around his neck. The caption reads "1982."]

David: [to someone off camera] Troy put that goddamn camera down and join us, it's about fun. [into camera] C'mon, get it girl! You know what you love! Whoo!

[Close-up of David's ass as it swings from side to side.]

[Shot of a Brian on the couch waving a balloon animal.]

[Shot of David falling on the floor on top of Bob, we then see a close up of the Bob's face as he appears to be in some pain.]

[The camera pans up to David who is in the middle of a human pile-up.]

David: [to camera] Hey! Ho!, Hey! Ho!

[Shot of six man human pileup, David is third from the bottom.]

[cut to present time]

Bob: And we'll reminisce about his glorious return to the fold, at overcome. [Cut to a past clip of "Good News", David on right, is wearing wire frame glasses, a big mustache leading down to his jaw, and a buttoned shirt. The caption reads "1986."]

David: I thought I was happy but I was miserable, and now I have a wife. [reaches into shirt pocket, takes out a photo and holds it to the camera]

Bob: Let's see.

[Camera shot of photo. Janeane Garofalo, as David's wife, is in large blond wig standing. Her arm is on David's shoulder, who is seated]

David: [pointing] And that's me and that's her.

[Cut back to wide shot of set]

David: And we're working on a family now. Really are, very hard, working very hard, and this is the real me you're looking at.

[David places his fist out, Bob places his hand on it]

Bob: And that's Good News.

David: And I just want to help others.

[cut back to present]

Bob: Then he'll tell us about his second terrible lapse into homo-sin-uality.

[Cut to video of house party, the caption reads 1986 David is an large wig and is holding a small flag, he is right beside a man who has passed out on the couch.]

David: I love all of you! [blows a party noisemaker]

[David's head goes down near the groin of the man on the couch.]

[Fade back to the present]

Bob: And about his triumphant re-return to the fold.

[Cut to old Good News clip, David is wearing a white buttoned shirt with the sleeves rolled up, the caption reads "1994"]

David: [to Bob] It is an aberration, believe me, its not normal, you're making a choice.

Bob: [pointing to the camera] Tell them.

David: [into the camera] You're making a choice. A terrible, terrible choice. We're here for you: Overcome.

[Cut back to the present]

Bob: Burton will tell us about his most recent lapse, and the one he has planned for August, which should take him to Rio De Janeiro. It'll be a glorifying hour of witness, I hope you'll join us. I'm Dr. Rudy Moore, now stay tuned for "The Bible Machine."

Jesus and Marshall#

Cast:

• John- Dr. Don Olemite
• Bob- Jesus
• David- Marshall
• Bill- Lazarus

David V.O.: Bible Machine, with your host, Dr. Don Olemite.

[John is seated in a study. He has on glasses.]

John: Last year a lost chapter of the Dead Sea Scrolls was unearthed and perhaps the most exciting find [takes of glasses for effect] was information on a thirteenth apostle. Now known as The Overlooked Apostle, his name was Marshall and he was considered by many to be the premiere hypnotist in Galilee. The Book of Marshall, entitled "Power, Profit [Prophet?], and Passion," has shed new light on some of the best loved Bible stories.

[Cut to Bob speaking to a group which has gathered. David is standing next to him.]

Bob: [with a slight lisp] Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.

David: [tugging on Bob's sleeve] Jesus.

Bob: Blessed are those who morn for they shall be comforted.

David: [repeats tugging] Jesus.

Bob: Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the Earth.

David: Jesus.

Bob: [annoyed] What is it, Marshall?

David: Jesus, what if I told you that the meek could inherit something a whole lot better than the Earth? What if I told you that by simply applying my theories of positivity and corrective thinking, that the meek could inherit the will to do whatever they wanted in their wildest dreams?

Bob: [humoring him] This is good news, Brother Marshall. We shall discuss it later. Blessed--

David: Jesus, you pray a lot, right? How many times, when your at home, alone, do you say to yourself, "I wish I lived in a nice house. I wish I had nice things. I wish I could lose those last twenty pounds.

Bob: Marshall, I'm not interested in things material.

David: Jesus, I used to be like you. Dirty, smelly, thinking I was the son of God, ha ha.

Bob: [to the group] Excuse us one second.

[Takes David aside]

Bob: Marshall, I *am* the son of God. And I'm not smelly, either.

David: Well...

[Cut back to John, who has his glasses back on.]

John: Marshall was famous for his after prayer seminars which encouraged [takes glasses off for effect] the other Apostles to keep their feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars.

[Cut back to Bob, David, and the group.]

Bob: Marshall, go amongst them and feed them from these five loaves and fishes. [hands him a large basket filled] By a miracle of faith, they will all be fed.

David: All ye humble of the Earth, step up and claim your fish. Only twelve drachmas a piece.

Bob: No Marshall, don't charge them anything. The fish are free; they're a gift from God.

David: All right, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. If you act now, okay, the fish and a loaf, six drachmas a piece.

Bob: No Marshall. Just give them the fish.

David: Okay, Jesus, you got my back up against the wall on this one, but here's the deal-- If you act now, both the fish and a loaf, and I'll throw in this miraculous unleavened bread leavenator. [Holds up a toaster oven made of wicker.]

[The group applauds.]

Bob: No, don't applaud for him. No. No, you're fools.

[Cut back to John, who again has his glasses back on.]

John: Marshall was also present [glasses off] at the Tomb of Lazarus.

[Cut back to Bob, David, and the group. Bill is lying motionless on the ground.]

Bob: Arise.

David: Jesus, let me try. Lazarus, what if I told you that only losers die? And, the only thing preventing your resurrection is *you?*

Bob: That's it, Marshall. I'm letting you go.

David: Uh, Jesus, you know I'm not only a certified life-changer, but I'm also now a memory expert, what am I thinking of Jesus?

Bob: This is good news, Marshall. Please leave your sandals with Sheila on the way out.

[Cut back to John. Yes, glasses on.]

John: We can now read perhaps the moving passage in Marshall's writings [glasses off], The Long Night of Doubt.

[Cut to David, alone.]

David: God, if you're there, show me a sign. Be active, not reactive.

Jay V.O.[?]: Marshall, listen carefully to my word. Leave everybody alone.

David: God, ask yourself, are you happy settling for omnipotence?

[Transition: The screen shows the collection of Marshall's works on tape.

David V.O.: "Power, Profit, and Passion." Quick cut to next scene, where Bob finishes off the line.]

Announcements#

[Bob is in a booth, recording voice-overs. Tom is the sound engineer.]

Bob: "Limited to Gods and God-like deities. Get very excited and speak in tongues."

Tom: Uh Bob, actually that's a stage direction. I think you're supposed to, you know, get all excited and blahblahblah speak in tongues, like that.

Bob: Oh. I'll just, that'll be fun.

Tom: That's okay, that's alright, that's okay.

Bob: Take two. "Limited to Gods and God-like deities. [overly excited gibberish]"

Tom: Wow, bingo.

Bob: Alright!

Tom: That was the one, Bobby. That was great. Alright, now let's knock these other ones out, Voice Over King, before we go to lunch, okay?

Bob: Alright. "To win, you must be 18 and come in first place."

Tom: Great, moving on.

Bob: "Offer expires......now."

Tom: Zippity doo-dah. Next.

Bob: "Not to be confused with the disease cancer."

Tom: Zippity ay. Moving on.

Bob: "Harvard's Memory Loss Clinic, established in 1952, 1967, and for the first time in 1981."

Tom: That was a goody, Bob. We're movin' on. We're gonna do that disclaimer about the uh John Tesh album, you got that?

Bob: Okay.

Tom: Should be on the page there, Bob.

Bob: Sure.

Tom: Okay.

Bob: "Not suitable for any living thing."

Tom: Okay.

Bob: I got one more here.

Tom: That Red Rocks thing is awful. Movin' on.

Bob: Movin' on. [Bob cracks up during this one...on purpose?] "Mr. Pickles Fun Time Abortion Clinics: We'll bring out the kid in you!"

Tom: I smell lunch! One more and we're out of here, babydoll.

Bob: Alright. "Globo-Chem: We own everything, so you don't have to!"

Commercials of the Future: Updating Globo-Chem's Image (1)#

Cast:

• David- One Ad man
• Bob- Other Ad man
• John- CEO of Globo-Chem
• Jill- Member of the board
• Tom- Another member of the board

Bob: [pointing to Globo-Chem's slogan] Gentlemen, this isn't gonna to work anymore.

David: Globo-Chem owns 29% of the globe.

Bob: And your company distributes 1,945 different products.

David: Globo-Chem produces 83 new products per minute.

Bob: But there's a problem, people don't like Globo-Chem and it's...2,023 different products.

David: The perception is that this company is a monster.

Bob: A beast.

David: A cold, heartless, smelly behemoth.

Bob: Run by a greedy, fat--

David: fat-headed, fatty pants.

Bob: A fatso.

John: [rises] Who do you think you are?! This company cares! We were in the people business when you were in short pants! My great-great-great grandfather started this company with one single rickety, leaky, hand-crafted slave ship, and a simple motto: "People selling people to people." So, don't tell me that I'm fat!! [sits back down]

David: Did, did we offend you?

Bob: Good!

David: Now we have your attention and we have to win you over.

Bob: Just like you have to win consumers.

John: [pause] Continue.

Bob: Cute, friendly, lovable--

David: Three things you are not. But you know who is?

Bob: Pit-Pat! Globo-Chem's new mascot. [picks up a Pit-Pat doll and hugs it]

David: Pit-Pat! A magical, pantssexual, non-threatening spokesthing!

Bob: Ladies and gentlemen, we present new ad campaigns for three of your...3,974 different products...watch!

[Cut to commericial.]

Commercials of the Future: Bag Hutch Commercial*

Cast-

• John- husband
• Janeane Garofalo- wife

[The set is a kitchen with brown paper bags stuffed in and coming out of cupboards and in drawers. There is a cupboard up front, and a door upstage.]

Bob V.O.: Bags! Bags! Bags! It always seems that you've got too many bags.

Janeane: [To camera] Help me!

Bob V.O.: You can't just throw them away. Now there's new "Bag Hutch!"

["Back Hutch" Brown Cardboard box appears instantly on counter]

[Close up of bags being placed in Bag Hutch as a caption on screen reads Bags must be folded neatly]

Bob V.O.: Bag Hutch is made is especially for bags! And holds up to twelve bags!

[Shots of brown bags instantly disappearing from the cupboards]

[Shot of Janeane placing bags in Bag Hutch as her husband walks in from the door behind and looks around the kitchen amazed]

John: Honey! Where are all the bags?

Janeane: [pointing] In the Bag Hutch.

[John leans over, looks in the Bag Hutch and smiles]

John: No shit!?

[Close-Up of Bag Hutch]

Bob V.O.: Bag Hutch, by Flix, a division of Globo-Chem.

[Pit-Pat mascot floats across the screen]

Pit-Pat: [also Bob V.O.] Take it from me, I love you!

Commercials of the Future: Globo-Chem (2)#

[Back to the board room: The Globo-Chem employees are in shock.]

David: You see him? It's Pit-Pat!

Bob: Oh goodness, isn't he great? Here, watch another one.

[Cut to next commercial.]

Commercials of the Future: Ding Dong Burgers Commercial*

[Shots of "Ding Dong King Kong Sing Song Burger Sign", a man eating a burger sped up.]

David V.O.: We went to a real Ding Dong Burger to ask real Ding Dong Burger eaters what they think of the new "Ding Dong King Kong Sing Song" Burger.

[Shot of a booth, with Brian and girlfriend on the same side, both with burgers]

Mary Lynn: It's great! [takes a bite]

Brian: It's so big, it's fucking great.

[another shot of the Ding Dong burger sign]

[shot of family of four in a booth with food on the table, Jill and son seated on left, Tom and daughter sitting on right]

David V.O.: What about you folks?

Jill: Yeah!

[close-up of Tom]

Tom: I can feed the whole family for under $20.

[wide shot of Tom smiling daughter]

[shot of Jill messing up son's hair]

Jill: And with the price of beef going through the fucking roof, that's a deal.

[shot of Bob and David seated, both with burgers and drinks. David, on left, is in a dark suit, dark sunglasses, and a black wig. Bob, on right, with his back to the camera, is in a dark suit, no sunglasses, and a blond wig]

David V.O.: Fellas?

David: [To camera] This cock sucker dragged me down here, I don't know.

[Bob turns and smiles to the camera]

[Close up of Bob]

Bob: [To David] - Just eat the fuckin' thing.

[Close up of David]

David: Fuck you asshole.

[shot of both, Bob turns and smiles to the camera]

[closeup of David's mouth, he takes a bite]

David: Fuck!

[shot of David's whole head and burger]

David: This mother fucker's tasty!

[shot of both]

Bob: I told you fucking ass!

[Bob turns and smiles to the camera, then the Ding Dong Burgers logo comes down over the shot]

David V.O.: Ding Dong Burgers, a Globo-chem company.

[Pit-Pat floats across the screen]

Pit-Pat: Take it from me, I love you!

Commercials of the Future: Globo-Chem (3)#

[Back to the board room.]

Bob: See? He loves you!

Jill: What about the swearing??

Bob: Oh. Here, there's one more.

[Cut to last commericial.]

Commercials of the Future: Techcorp Systems Commercial+

[Jay sitting in chair, head in hands]

Jay: God dammit.

Shit.

[walking to window]

Fuck.

[at window]

ASS! Shit! Mother! Cock!

[camera panning out, over mountains, over the globe]

Fuck! Fucky Fuck Fuck!

Bob V.O.: Techcorp Systems, another helpful Globo-Chem company.

[Pit-Pat floats across the screen]

Pit-Pat: Take it from me! I love you!

Commercials of the Future: Globo-Chem (4)#

[Back in the board room: The employees are shocked; John is in a daze.]

Bob: Pit-Paaat!

David: Pit-Pat!

[David opens the door and a life-size Pit-Pat comes in and hugs and squeezes John until David has to pull Pit-Pat away and shove him out the door.]

David: Okay, we have plans for an animated children's program, a breakfast cereal, a line of clothing, a video game, a--

Tom: Excuse me. Excuse me. You still haven't answered the question about the swearing--what about the swearing?

David: Please, let's stick to one subject, here. Okay, Pit-Pat is a magical pixie, who can fly around and--

Jill: You can't have all that swearing; it's offensive.

Bob: Look lady, I don't come down to where you work and slap the dick out of your mouth...

Jill: [outraged] That's it!!

Bob: You're right that's it.

David: That's the new slogan for Grandma Betsy's Biscuit Powder! [uncovers a cardboard poster of a package, with cartoon old woman and beneath her, the slogan "I don't come down to where you work and slap the dick out of your mouth."]

Bob: The world of the future is much cruder than the world of today.

David: In 1994, you couldn't say the word "bitch" or "asshole" on TV--now it's okay.

Bob: Where do you think we'll be in the year 2000?

David: Are ya interested in staying on the cutting edge?

Tom: Yeah, but what happened to Grandma Betsy? She looks like a man!

[close-up shot of the cartoon]

Bob: She is a man!

David: The fastest growing segment of our population are transsexuals -- they buy and spend for two.

Bob: Look, the world is changing. It's becoming increasingly difficult to insult people and thereby get their attention.

David: Knock knock [knocking on John's head] Who's there? Change. Oh, come on in.

Bob: Oh, I see you brought Globo-Chem with you.

David: Really? I thought that company was run by a greedy, fat, fat-headed, fatty pants!!!

Bob: A fat fuck! [crawls on to the table, gets right in John's face]

David: Is it?!

Bob: Is it?!

[David waves his hand in front of John's eyes.]

David: He's dead.

Bob: Good!

David: That's what you wanted, right?

Jill: Yeah.

Tom: Yupperino. Good job guys.

David: Okay, great. Alright.

Bob: Well, it's what we do.

David: [to John] Did I kill you?! Good, I got your attention. [pushes John's head down to the table.]

That Darn Counterculture#

[David comes out of the skit to address the crowd.]

David: Hello, I'm David Cross, from television's Mr. Show. You know, there are advertising agencies like these all over America, whose job it is to lie to you. Don't buy into it. In fact, don't buy anything ever. You don't need to. [makes his way up onto the stage] You can make whatever you want, at home, out of hemp. Hemp is an all-purpose--see the government doesn't want you to know this, but [John has come over to attempt to pull David off stage] you can make rope and mayonnaise and pretty--

[Sound resembling Tinkerbell. A small spotlight appears on stage above David.]

Bob V.O.: [as Senator Tankerbell, the light] David, what the hell am I watchin'?

David: [looks around] Senator Tankerbell, is that you?

Bob V.O.: Up here, David. I've been magically transformed into a twinkley light!

David: Oh boy.

Bob V.O.: "Oh boy" is right. This show is over!

David: No, Senator, please. Come on.

Bob V.O.: No, shut your pie hole!

[The light quickly comes down onto David's head, and the sound effect of a punch is heard. David drops like a ton of bricks to the floor.]

Bob V.O.: David, why can't you do a show with merit? Something with family values.

David: Oooh. I would if I could, but, oh darn this counterculture, it's got me all bugaboo.

Bob V.O.: That's what they do, confuse the youth. It reminds me of a humorous story. See the counterculture is like a traveling salesman. And, the youth is like a farmer. Well, the farmer says, "you can..."

David: Hey hey hey! Wait a second, Senator. Hold on, you just gave me an idea.

Bob V.O.: Uh, what?

David: I'm gonna work with you, not against you! I got an idea for a show that's gonna knock your socks on your ass!

Bob V.O.: ...Alright.

David: Come on, gang!! [runs off stage]

The Joke: The Musical*

["US Senator Seal of Approval" logo on screen]

Bob V.O.: Home Box Office, in conjunction with the US Senate presents a House of Representative's Production.

[shot of theatre with caption GLOBO-CHEM Center for the Performing Arts LANGLEY, VA"]

Bob V.O.: Live from the Globo-Chem Center for the Performing Arts. The Joke: The Musical.

[Fade to storyteller standing in the audience, wearing a show hat, light blue pants with suspenders over a buttoned white shirt and a bow tie]

Bob: Oh, hello. [laughs] My, it's been a hot summer here in Gallagher's Corners.

[Bob stands up, takes off his hat and fans himself with it]

Bob: Good of you to all come down .

[Starts walking towards stage]

Bob: Well, lets see, it happened exactly one year ago today. It seems a salesman's car had broken down over by Gallagher's Creek and he was looking for a place to spend the night.

[Storyteller walks off camera, David, wearing a dark wig, a short sleeved buttoned shirt and a tie, also carrying a briefcase, comes out of the back and walks toward the camera]

David: [singing] Where do I go now? My car has broken down. I'm selling leather pants in the Ozarks, [takes leather pants out of suitcase and places them over his shoulder] where do I go now? [speaking] A farm house!

[David runs on stage, which is a barn with wooden walls, a waist high stack of hay in the center, a door in the upright corner of the set, there are also 3 small holes evenly placed on the right wall]

[David runs to the door and starts knocking in tune]

David: [singing] This is the knocking song, I'm knocking on a door, knock, knock, knock. Knock, knock, knock, knock forever more. Knockity-Knock knock, Knockity-knock...

[The door opens suddenly and Jack Black as a farmer dressed in overalls and a straw hat steps halfway out. David is startled, drops his briefcase and leather pants, and goes to pick them up]

Jack: [yelling] Stop that infernal knocking song!

David: Yes sir, I'm sorry, my car broke down, might I spend the night?

Jack: Yes, you can. [singing] Step this way, right this way, see my house! [runs downstage and points] That's my house! But you shall not stay in my house, [moves behind hay] you shall stay in the barn...

Both: ...The barn...

Jack: ...but adhere to this simple rule. Hey! [Music speeds up and Jack runs to the right way] Don't stick your dick in this holes! Don't stick your dick in these holes! These holes three are not for thee!

[Jack steps back towards David]

David: [speaking] Yes, thank you, that won't be a problem. I'm afraid all I can offer you are these leather pants.

[David hands leather pants to the Jack]

Jack: Leather pants. I suppose I could give them to my gay son.

David: Very good, thank you, good night to you and yours.

[Jack runs out the door and David closes it behind him]

David: Well, that turned out nicely. What a kindly old farmer.

[David goes walks around and sits on the haystack. He looks at something off the left of the stage and waves]

David: Good night moo cow! [He gets further on haystack] Good night hay! [He goes to rest his head and looks to the right of the stage] Good night...holes.

[David puts his head down and closes his eyes. The barn lights go dim, but then turn red. Music starts playing in the background and a leg goes up from behind the haystack. Meleva(?) stands over David, wearing a red cape. Meleva dances around David and towards the holes in the wall.]

Meleva (?): [singing] Do it, do it ,do it. Do it, do it, do it. Do it, do it, do it. You know you want to do it.

[David wakes, stands up, and walks towards Meleva]

Meleva: C'mon Mr. Salesman, what do you say?

David: No way! He told me that I could not, he told me that I should not. What would the farmer say? [pointing] And what about the moo cow? [pointing] and what about the hay?

[The door opens and Jack runs out and slides on his knees to the front of the stage. He is wearing black leather pants and a leather vest, a red cape, and devil horns on his head. Jack runs back and stands on haystack.]

Jack: [yelling] BOO-YAH!

[David falls]

Jack: [singing] Good God man you're meek! You're a worm with no will, be bold son, no one's watching, show some spine, have your thrill! [Jack jumps off the haystack] What magic lies awaken them, what miracles in store, [runs to the wall and mimes a large penis] Could heaven be on the other side? Come open the door.

[Jack and Meleva dance around David]

Both: Do it, do it, do it! You know you want to do it.

Jack: [pulling on David's arm] Do it!

Meleva: [pulling on David's arm] Do it!

Jack: [pulling on David's arm] Do it!

Meleva: [pulling on David's arm] Do it!

[David raises his arms and falls to the floor, the music stops playing and the stage lights go out except for a single spotlight on him. Jack and Meleva spin and fall on their stomachs with their feet facing the audience]

David: [yelling] NO!

[slow music starts playing and David rises]

David: I am just a simple man, I sell leather pants. But now I'm torn by desire, I sell leather pants. The kindly farmer said (whispers) "no!" But I want to do it so. Should I stick my dick in these holes? [Tempo of music builds and volume of David's voice increases] I think I'll stick my dick in these holes!

[Jack and Meleva rise, the red light fills the barn again, and all cheer]

[Jack grabs David and leads him to the first hole, furthest away from the front of the stage, David presses himself against the holes]

Jack: [singing] Number one feels good!

Meleva: Oh yeah! You finally feel alive!

[Jack leads David to the hole second furthest away from the front of the stage, David presses himself against it]

Jack: Here, try number two .

Meleva: That one makes you cry!

[Jack leads David to the closest hole to the front of the stage]

Jack: And now it's time for number three.

Meleva: The best of alot.

Jack: With number three you'll make history.

Meleva: C'mon, give it all you've got!

[David presses himself against the hole and starts shaking, white lights flash, Jack and Meleva laugh and run off, through the door, closing it behind them]

[The lights go up and a rooster crows]

[A farmer opens the door, walks in, closes it behind him, and walks to the middle of the barn. He looks around for David and sees him on the wall, startled, he runs to David]

Jack: Oh my God! He's still alive, I told you not to!

David: I'm sorry, I couldn't help it, the first hole felt so good, each hole getther that the last, but this third hole is killing. [Yelling] WHAT'S IN THESE HOLES!? WHAT'S [speaking normal] in these holes?

Jack: [singing] You don't deserve an answer, but I'll give one anyway. Behind the first hole is my wife, that is where she stays. The second was my daughter, young and supple like a fawn, the third one is a milking machine that doesn't quit, 'till 50 gallons are withdrawn! YEAH! WITHDRAW-AWN, WITHDRAWN!

[Jack spins and exits through the open door. David pushes against the wall and yells to free himself, he finally does it and rests against the wall]

David: [singing] Oh God! I'm dying, knocking at heaven's door. [music speeds up and David knocks on the wall in rhythm Knock, knock, knock. Knock, knock, knock, knock forever more.

[David spins and exits, the lights go dim except for a single spotlight on Bob as he enters and walks to center stage, he is dressed completely in white, with white face paint and a white funnel on his head. He sings in a high-pitched voice with a slight English accent, the tune is Auld Lang Syne.]

Bob: [singing] I'm the hated milk machine, everybody hates me now. For doing what I'm told, he was trying to be bold, why can't people keep their willies out of holes? Where do I go now? Where do I go now? This is my knocking song, it turns to Auld Lang Syne.

[The lights go up as David and the rest of the cast enter singing Auld Lang Syne. Snow falls on the set.]

[Senator Tankerbell's light appears on the right wall]

Bob: [as the Senator] Good show everybody!

All: Senator!

Bob: [as Senator] It was funny and it taught us an important lesson about holes.

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