Partial Season One, Show Three
Kissing
Booth
Cast:
- Bob-
himself
- Sarah
Silverman- David Cross
- David-
as himself
[Bob
is on stage standing behind a carnival kissing booth]
Bob:
Kisses, kisses! Seventy-five cents! Get your kisses! [To Sarah]
Hey homo, how about a kiss?
Sarah:
Uh, I'm not gay
Bob:
Oh yeah, well prove it.
Sarah:
Huh?
Bob:
Sure, if you can kiss me without being aroused, that means you're
not gay.
Sarah:
Oh, I guess. [gives Bob 75 cents and kisses Bob] See.
Bob:
You call that a kiss you big queen, how 'bout some tongue.
Sarah:
What?
Bob:
A real man who's confident in his heterosexuality wouldn't let
that bother him. He'd french like there's no tomorrow.
Sarah:
I don't know
Bob:
Hey everybody! Look at the big girl! Where's your purse ma'am?
Sarah:
Shut up! Okay!
Bob:
Okay, take the dress off this time, I like to feel while I...
[Enters David, who is upset]
David:
Hey this is wrong, stop it. [To Sarah] Sorry about this lady.
Bob I could have played this part.
Bob:
I don't know David. I didn't think you found the character's
voice.
David:
What character? She's playing me... I know, it's about the kiss,
isn't it? Bob men can kiss. Men can get married. They even have
a pill now-a-days that lets men make love to each other. Here
[pulls out a video tape roll] Watch this, it's called a gay
porno film.
Gay
Porn Titles
[Camera
closes in on film roll. Fades to footage of a boat drifting
at sea with campy porno music playing in the background.]
[The title "The Pipelifter's Union"]
[A warning narrated by Bob appears on the screen]
Bob:
Warning. The following gay porno film has not been edited for
television. In fact, if anything, its been made more gay.
[The title "Ramming Speed" appears]
Bob:
Warning. Please disregard the previous warning. The following
gay porno film has been re-altered to make it more gay than
it was. In fact, now, it may be too gay for some gay people.
[The title "Big Gay Boat Party" appears]
Bob:
Warning. The following gay porno film has been re-re-edited
for television. It is no longer gay porno. Now's it’s a scene
about a couple on their honeymoon.
Third
Wheel
Cast:
- Bob-
Tom
- Jill-
Tom's new wife
- David-
Tom's best friend, Jerry
Bob:
Geez honey, I didn't think you'd be pissed.
Jill:
This is our honeymoon, it’s about us, it’s about our new life
together.
Bob:
Well our new lives are just an extension of the old lives we
were living. I mean, come on, I love you.
Jill:
I love you, too.
[Enter David brushing his teeth]
David:
Great man, they don't have Sega Genesis onboard, only Nintendo...
Oh it doesn't matter, I'm just so glad to be here with both
you guys. I love you both, I really do.
Bob:
I love you man. [ hits Jill's shoulder to get her to agree ]
Jill:
I love you Jerry.
[Jill and Bob start to kiss]
David:
Ahh, I do, no I do even more, no I do even more... That's you
guys at the wedding today. Oh Jesus, that shit was hilarious.
Ah, I got to take a crap. Hey Tom, hand me that Hustler.
[ Bob hands David a magazine, David exits ]
Jill:
I thought that this was going to be okay [ gets up ] But it's
not, it's not okay.
Bob:
Don't worry honey, even sailors get sick the first few hours
out. It's just the boats...
Jill:
No, it's Jerry. I don't understand why he's here. Didn't you
feel that his presence might be intrusive? Not to mention unnecessary.
Bob:
Whoah, whoah, whoah. Since when are friends unnecessary? That's
kind of a shitty thing to say.
Jill:
No, he shouldn't be here, he's like a third wheel.
[ Jill and Bob freeze in time ]
David:
[ off stage singing ] Legend oh, legend. The third wheel legend.
Always in the way.
Bob:
What are you calling Jerry a third wheel for? He's my friend,
he's your friend, too. He says nothing but nice things to say
about you.
Jill:
I don't care. How are we going to make love tonight if he's
in the room?
Bob:
Are you serious? Hey Jerry, get in here man!
[ David runs into the room ]
Bob:
Hey man, I'm getting laid tonight!
David:
Oh really, that's so cool. Hey, we've got to celebrate. I'll
go get some beers.
Bob:
Hey afterwards, we got to get you some!
Both:
Yeah!!!!
[ David exits ]
Bob:
What's the matter, babe?
Jill:
No, don't babe me. There's something wrong here and I don't
want to make love to you tonight.
Bob:
Why, are you bleeding?
Jill:
Oh God! Listen to you. This is ridiculous. I can't make love
to you with that third wheel around!
[ Jill and Bob freeze in time ]
David:
[ off stage singing ] Legend oh, legend. The third wheel legend.
Always in the way.
Bob:
What do you mean calling Jerry a... third wheel?
David:
[ singing very fast ] Legend, legend. Third wheel legend. Always
in the way
Jill:
You know, he's in the way. Like a third wheel.
[ Jill and Bob freeze in time ]
David:
[offstage singing ] "Legend oh, legend. The third wheel legend.
Always in the waaaayyyyeaaahhh! [ David walks into the audience
and joins four other singers ] He's in the way! He's in the
way! oh yeah. That legend is always in the way. He's in the
way, He's in the way, That third wheel's always in the way.
Get out the way, Get out the Way! That third wheel is always
in the way. Who invited you? Who invited you? He's always in
the way. You're not wanted here. No, no, you're not wanted here,
no, no, no, no! That legend is always in the way, yeah! [ Comes
back on stage, jumps on bed ] [ Jumps back on stage and runs
offstage ]
Bob:
Wait, wait, wait here. I've heard all this talk about... an...
extra round thingy. But where would we be with out... those
roundies? Tri-cylces would be bi-cycles. Whoever heard of a
bi-cycle, it's crazy. We need third wheels [ pauses ] We need
third wheels [ pauses again and looks offstage towards David
] Jerry? Aren't you going to sing man?
[ Enter David ]
David:
No, I heard you guys talking. You know, about being a third
wheel and all. Maybe I should just leave.
Jill:
No, maybe I should go. I mean, I can't believe this is how I'm
spending my honeymoon.
Bob:
Wait, wait, wait a second here honey. Who's to say what a honeymoon
is anyway? What does the word even mean? Honey and moon, it’s
nonsense. For all we know, we're in Jerry's way.
Jill:
I never thought of it that way.
Bob:
Yeah, poor guy's been looking forward to this since we got engaged.
David:
Hey, you're on to something here. Heck, I'm not dictionary expert,
but maybe it means to charter a boat out with nobody aboard.
Bob:
You know what? Let's all apologize to this boat and promise
never to use the word honeymoon again.
Jill:
Okay.
David:
Alright.
[ They all join hands ]
Bob:
The tyranny of the word honeymoon is over. [ They all take a
bow, audience applauds ]
Bob:
You know an actor is only as good as his words and I would like
to introduce the writer of that piece, Peter Can Kantanton,
Peter.
[ John stands up in audience and holds up his hand and smiles,
then he sits back down to talk to Mary-Lynn and Tom ]
Writers
in Audience
Cast:
- John-
Peter Can Kantanton
- Tom-
Ken, Peter's husband
- Mary-Lynn-
as Peter's best friend, Jerry
John:
Well guys, what did you think of the scene?
Tom:
Oh Peter. I got it. I got exactly what you were trying to say.
It was mo'ah! [ kisses fingertips ]
John:
Thank you Ken. Jerry?
Mary-Lynn:
Yeah, I'm not sure if I got the point of it. I thought it was
a little too serious at the end. All that stuff about the tyranny
of the word honeymoon.
John:
What do you mean too serious? It's absurd. The tyranny of the
word honeymoon, it was a joke.
Tom:
You don't get it do you, Jerry? No, you'll never get it. That
scene was about you duh. You're the third wheel.
Mary-Lynn:
Is this about your honeymoon?
John:
Look, Ken and I love each other, we're a legally recognized
married gay couple. Why won't you leave us alone?
Tom:
Oh just get out Jerry, just leave us the hell alone.
Mary-Lynn:
I can't believe this. I thought we were friends.
John:
We were friends. Now I hate you.
Tom:
We--we hate you.
John:
Get out!
Mary-Lynn:
Fine, well... I hate you too; I hate you guys, too. You could've
just told me! Jerk!
Tom:
Get out!
[ Mary-Lynn gets up and walks away ]
Mary-Lynn:
You're ugly! You all go do whatever you want to do!
[ Tom starts crying and John goes over to hug him ]
John:
You do not talk to him that way! Do not let her hurt you.
Tom:
GET OUT YOU BROKEN DOWN FAG HAG!
Screwballz
Cast:
- Bob-
Jim, the host
- David
as Fred
- Sonya
as Beth
- John
as first contestant
Narrator:
Welcome back to Screwballz!
Bob:
Alright, let's see who our audience choose for you to have sex
with... Melanie the waitress. So what do you say? Do you want
to have sex with her?
John:
That's fine.
Bob:
Alrighty, we'll see you when you're "done."
[ Johns gets up to walk backstage to have sex ]
Bob:
Remember the rules, just go have some sex.
[ John exits ]
Bob:
Okay, lets say hello to Fred and Beth, our couple from earlier
who just "finished up," well according to the judges, Fred did.
[ David and Sonya enter and sit down ]
Bob:
Well guys, how'd it go.
David:
Well Jim, she's truly a magnificent creature. When I saw her
I thought I'd take her on a romantic walk, round to the left
side of the bed then I...
Sonya:
Hold on, there was nothing romantic about it.
Bob:
Eww, look's like there was some friction before the friction.
David:
I was trying to be a gentleman about it.
Sonya:
A gentleman? Jim it was awful. I mean, I've never met this person
before. The judges are saying they're watching us. It was cold,
it was ugly. I'm ashamed.
Bob:
Sounds like things didn't work out too well. But you had sex
and we enjoyed hearing about it.
David:
And we got to be on the TV.
Bob:
That leads to our important question. Fred do you want to have
sex with Beth again?
David:
I would love to.
Bob:
Beth? What do you say? We'll pay for it.
Sonya:
No thanks.
Bob:
Too bad. Well Fred that means we'll give you twenty dollars
to masturbate into a cup.
David:
Okay sounds great.
Bob:
Well that's all the time we have tonight on Screwballz!
Credit
to Mr. Show, Dakota Films/North Entertainment Inc., and HBO
Transcribed by Jake Beall
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back to the listings
