Season One, Show Four (so far)

Opening: Watching Chase

Mary-Lynn: Hey everybody! Here's Bob and David.

[Bob enters.]

Bob: Thank you. Thanks for coming out. Good to see ya. Alrighty, well, thank you very much. We have got a - David, hey David, c'mon, we gotta do the show.

David: [backstage, watching TV] Yeah yeah, I'm comin'. Man, this is so wild.

Bob: I know, okay. Just, bring the TV with you.

David: Oh, yeah. [He does]

Bob: He's been glued to that thing all day. Ha ha. Okay, I'm Bob Odenkirk.

David: [preoccupied and rushed] David Cross.

Bob: And, uh, welcome to Mr. Show. We've got a heck of a show for you tonight - some funny scenes, some funny characters, uh [gets preoccupied with the TV too] some funny monkeys who've been beaten. Oh, forget I said that.

David: Yeah, you know, blah blah blah, the usual, you know? I mean. [beat] I can't believe this! I mean, how does he think he's gonna get away with this?!

Bob: I don't know. It's crazy!

[The sound of TVs grows in the background.]

Bob: David, look.

[A pan of the audience glued to the TV and radio broadcast.]

David: See?! Everybody's watching it. Maybe we should just show it, that's what I'm sayin'.

Bob: Alright. Okay, forget the show. Put it on the big screen; we'll just watch TV tonight.

Popemobile Chase/News

[A helicopter shot of a white vehicle being pursued by cop cars on a freeway.]

Tom: There it is. You can see it right there. That is the Popemobile. The police are in pursuit.

Jill: Absolutely incredible.

Tom: It is fascinating.

Jill: We can now confirm reports that the Pope is in there.

Tom: No word yet on where he may be headed. But, we do know that the Pope [a picture of a holy looking Brian Posehn is put up] is a suspect in death, in the death of Bishop Francois Purtaupe, who was found brutely excommunicated outside his front door just two nights ago.

Jill: Let's look at a video of the crime scene. [The video runs, and resembles those we saw of the Simpson crime scene.] As you can see, a lot of blood.

Tom: Oh, it's pretty gorey.

Jill: Mm-hmm. Police say they found a broken staff similar to the one the Pope uses and also a large conical hat, which the police have not yet confirmed is the Pope's.

Tom: With us tonight, with some insight into all this, hopefully, is Pope fan and expert, Tim McCracken. Tim?

David: [in the studio with Jill and Tom, dressed in a I heart Popes T-shirt] Hello Ron and Terry.

[Jill and Tom say hello.]

Jill: Now, just for clarification for us here, you are not a Catholic, right?

David: [starts to laugh] Oh, no. Oh, God no. No no no. No, I'm just a Pope fan. I love Popes.

Jill: All right. And, you work at the Pope Hall of Fame. Now, what is that?

David: Yes, it's located in Canton, Ohio in a wing of the Football Hall of Fame. Um, and you know, we have figurines and interactive displays. You know, you can say a Novina with the Pope. You can damn a scientist to Hell for all eternity. Uh, ask questions of any Pope-

Tom: Uh, Tim, what's your most frequently asked question?

David: [mulls it over a second] "Who let you in here?!"

Tom: I don't understand.

David: [a pause, then laughs] Oh, I thought you meant me. The question I always get. Oh no no. Oh, the question the Pope always gets. Oh, okay. Oh, alright, that's simple. That would be, "Hey, what's the deal with the hat?"

Jill: [laughs] Yeah, what is the deal with that hat?

Tom: [laughs] Nobody knows.

David: Well, it's very interesting. It started with the loss of a bet in 1674 by Pope Leopold Nine. And, nine was really his last name; he was the third Leopold. He loved gravy-

Tom: Right right. Uh, Tim, we'd love to hear more but I'm getting a signal here. Will you stick around into the next hour with us?

David: Oh. Sure. Should I just stay here?

Jill: Well, you can stay there if you want, but we're gonna be telling more news stories.

Tom: Yes.

Jill: Once again, the police have been pursuing the Pope for the past two and a half hours-

David: Oh oh oh! I know! I know! Why don't I sit there [Jill's chair], and you sit here where I am? We'll switch it up.

Tom: Uh, Tim, that doesn't work for us, for a plethora of reasons, that I can't go into now.

David: Oh. No. I got it! Okay, I got it. [rolls his chair between and behind Jill and Tom.] I'll sit back here so you can see me. [gazes off stage]

Jill: Fine. Okay. Um, we now know that the Pope made a cellular phone call to his mother in Latvia from inside the Popemobile.

Tom: And Terry, this is a breaking story. The driver of that Popemobile has definitely been identified as four time Olympic Champion-

David: Hell-llo. Ding dong. Better idea. How about this? Under the desk!

[He goes under and Tom and Jill both jump up in their seats, shocked.]

Tom: [under his breath] Jesus. Oh, that's uh-

Jill: [clears throat] Uh, the Pope, uh, still blessing people from inside the Popemobile-

David: [reappears] Oh!! Okay, wait! Wait, new idea, new idea. You're gonna love this-

Tom: Tim, goddamnit! [rises from chair]

Jill: Honey!! We're live!

Tom: Tim, I..I'm sorry. [David's feelings look hurt] Very sorry. Why don't you go wait in the expert lounge?

[Fast cut to promo. The music and look resembles The Paramount's.]

David V.O.: Guest experts of this newscast stay at The Tantamount Expert Lounge located in the heart of New York City.

[Words flash up up on the screen. Then cut back to newscast. As Tom speaks, David watchs across the back of the set.]

Tom: The terrified Pope still fleeing willy-nilly. Let's rejoin the choice already in progress.

Transitional Scene: Classic

[Bob, David, and Brian are three heavy metal guys in a van. Brian drives and Bob gets the other window seat. They are watching the chased on a handheld TV.]

Bob: Dudes, this is chase is classic.

David: Awesome.

Bob: No, dude, it's classic.

David: Na, dude, awesome.

Brian: Dudes, you're both wrong. It's core.

Bob: What? A half-hour you agreed it was classic.

Brian: Well that was then and ha ha this is now. It's core.

David: Classic.

Bob: What? Now you agree it's classic?

David: No dude. Him switching over is a classic move on his part. The chase is still awesome.

Bob: Fuck you.

David: Fuck you!

[David pushes Bob out of the van and he rolls to a stop right in front of his next destination.]

Nils' Guitar Shop

[Bob enters the guitar shop/school. He remains the same character. Cut to the interior, and we see him wailing away as David, clean-cut, enters.]

Bob: [notice David and stops abruptly] Who let you in here?!

David: Oh, um, I'm here for my music lesson? My name is Larry.

Bob: Oh yeah, yeah. Your mom called ahead. Oh yeah, sit down man, show me what you can do, you know.

David: Oh. Oh, I've never played before. I don't-

Bob: Hey, no excuses, we all suck when we start.

David: Oh, okay. Alright. Uh, I. [strums] Wait wait. [strums] Wait wait. [strums] Wait wait. [strums] Wait wait. [strums] Wait wait. [strums] Wait. Wait. [strums] Wait wait. [strums] Wait. [strums] [strums]

Bob: Whoa dude, you're incredible!

David: What?

Bob: Play play! Keep playin'.

David: Uh. [strums] [strums] Wait wait. [strums] Wait a mom-

Bob: Sweet Jesus Marie! What are you, some kind of guitar God?!

David: No, I don't know, I just--

Tom: [another heavy metal dude] Nils you sound great!

Bob: Not me, man, it's him. Play! Play!

[David continuously strums the guitar strings now, with no discernable chord being played]

Bob: Oh yah!

David: I don't-

Tom: That's it.

[David stops.]

Tom: That's it. I quit. I quit. I thought I was good. I thought I was good - then I met you, dude. Then I met you.

Bob: Play. Play man, play.

David: O-okay. [plays same as before]

[phone rings]

Bob: Oh, okay, hold on man. [on phone] Nils' Guitar Shop. Yeah. Yeah, he's here.

[Tom and David talk in the background.]

Bob: Oh, that's good news. Okay thanks. Bye. [to David] Hey man, stop playin'. Hey! Ho ho! Take it away from him.

David: Huh? What's goin' on?

Bob: Um, you know, before you came here your mother called and she said like you had only a few weeks to live? And you should try to make you feel good? But, I guess they just got some test results back and you're gonna be okay, so we don't have to do that, Blackie.

Tom: Ohh, cool.

David: Wait wait. She thought I was dying?

Bob: [to Tom] How about the show tonight, man?

Tom: Gonna kick a commie size ass!

Bob: Gonna rock a little bit!

David: Oh, hey guys, what about my lesson?

Tom: Uh, yeah, Lesson One: Never pick up a guitar ever again.

David: Yeah, but I can learn.

Bob: No you can't!!! You suck and you're wastin' my time!

[David starts to leave as the phone rings]

Bob: Nils' Guitar Shop. Yeah. Huh? Yeah, he's still here. Huh? That *is* a screw-up! Hey! Dude! Go! Stop him! Stop him. Okay thanks, bye. [hangs up] Hey, Larry, man. Hey, play guitar again.

David: No!

Bob: Yeah yeah, I don't know, see if it's on. I can't tell if it's on, you know, unless you-somebody hits-

[David's hand is brushed up against the strings. Bob and Tom react in amazement.]

Bob: Holy…….you're incredible man!

David: Oh, come on, I'm dying, right.

Bob: No no. No, no, that was just a joke, man. 'Cuz we're totally intimidated by you.

Tom: Yeah, intimidated.

Bob: Yeah!

David: But the phone call.

Bob: Part of the prank! Ha ha. Face it, dude. You've got like a natural tonality.

Tom: Yeah.

Bob: That's what I noticed.

Tom: You've got an instinctual strum.

David: Oh, the strum! I always thought that'd be my strong point!

Bob: Yah, you were right.

David: So, this is a prank?

Bob: Yeah.

David: You guys are weird?

Bob: Freaks.

Tom: Sick in the head.

David: [laughs] You guys are-okay.

Bob: Play.

David: [strums…]

Bob: Oh! Yeah! [singy] Guitar God.

Tom: [high] Waa!

Bob: Clapton lives, man.

[phone rings, David continues to play]

Bob: Hold on a second. [on phone] Hello, Nils' Guitar Sho-yeah? Huh? You got a chart mix-up? [David stops and tries to overhear] An update? Oh. Yeah. Oh…. Oh no.

David: What's goin' on? Am I gonna live?!

Bob: How do I know, I'm a guitar teacher.

David: Oh oh! So, uh, do you think I'm still that great of a guitar player?

Bob: No.

David: Yes!

Bob: But you don't totally suck, so don't start celebrating.

David: Oh no. How good am I?

Bob: You don't need many lessons.

David: Oh now, how many?

Bob: A couple months worth, depending on how you feel. But there's a twenty percent chance that you totally suck and you could practice for years, man, and not be any good. What? Oh no… Okay, I'll be the one. [hangs up] Alright, Larry, listen up, man.

David: What?

Bob: This is the truth now. Everything up till now has just been part of a very funny prank, alright? You-you are the greatest guitar player that I have ever heard, ever.

David: Oh God, why me? What did I do?

Bob: I don't know man, maybe you were born with it.

Tom: Maybe you got it off a toilet seat. Ah! [turns away to cry]

David: I gotta say goodbye to some people.

Bob: No, man, you don't have time for that.

David: What?!

Bob: You have to get ready…for the show…tonight. You're takin' Blackie's place.

David and Tom: What??

David: Is-is this a prank?

Bob: No no no. That [pointing to the phone] was a prank; that was a joke. This is real, man, yeah.

David: Wait, joke's over.

Bob: Yeah, totally.

David: Really?!

Bob: You're great.

David: I'm playin'-I'm with you guys tonight?!

Bob: Yeah!

David: Oh my-I guess I'm just gifted or something.

Tom: Yeah, little bit!

Bob: Guitar God!

David: So, I'll see you at the show?

Tom and Bob: Yeah.

David: So, rock on?

Tom and Bob: Rock on!

David: Wow!

Tom: Guitar God!

[David leaves in a hurry]

Tom: Aw man, what are we gonna do?

Bob: Don't worry, man, he'll never make it to the show.

[Cut to footage of the show.]

Voice-Over: But, of course, they were wrong. That night, Larry played before 3,000 screaming fans who'd been individually called by his mother and agreed to not hurt his feelings. [still of a confused doctor looking at David] The next day he confounded his doctor by not dying. However, still on the brink of death, he expressed a wish to attend Harvard. The university, tipped off by his mother, were sympathetic to his condition and awarded him a Doctoral degree. This would be his last victory, his doctor thought. But, Larry surprised everyone by remaining alive. He then told of a desire to practice medicine. A Florida hospital, after receiving a call from his mother, was sympathic.

[Cut to Brian.]

Brian: I-is he still alive? Yeah? You know, he's the best doctor ever, in the world. [Pull back to reveal he is missing leg.]

Voice-Over: After extensive testing, Larry was diagnosed with IDS, or Imminent Death Syndrome.

go back to the listings