Season Two, Show Two
Introduction:
David Acts English / Rap
[Mary Lynn- Oh God it's Bob and David.]
Bob:
Oh thank you. Welcome to Mr. Show. I'm Bob Odenkirk.
David:
(speaking in British accent) And I'm David Cross.
Bob:
Oh ho. And we have a great show for you tonight.
David:
Yes tonight's show is terribly terribly brilliant.
Bob:
Oh David... All right, well, we've got some great scenes, the
cast members have learned their line. And you guys have been
well paid. So, uh lets get started.
David:
Indeed let's get this wallypopper a brighting.
Bob:
All right, look David just be yourself all right?
David:
Right-o Robert chim chim cherie.
Bob:
Okay forget it, guys, come on out here, come on.
David:
Wha-What's all this ballyhoo then?
Bob:
It's about your fakey British accent.
Tom:
Yeah It's really got a stop David.
John:
It's really annoying.
Jill:
Yeah, David, people are talking about hitting you.
David:
I don't hear it I mean I don't-- I mean, hello?-- Hello? Mum
is this the queue for the loo? I've only got two pounds.
Tom:
That's it right there.
David:
No, I don't hear it, perhaps I picked something up when I was
in London a few whiffens past.
Jill:
A few whiffens? What's that mean?
Tom:
Let's hit him.
John:
Yup.
Bob:
Yeah.
Jill:
Can I be first let me...
David:
(in fear of attack, drops accent) Geez, God, I was just trying
to have a personality is all.
Bob:
An affectation, well David, that's pathetic.
John:
Yeah it is.
David:
Well what abut you guys? I mean you guys have your little things.
Jill, you've got that parrot you wear around, and Tom, you've
got lice and John you get high all the time. And what about
you Bob, you know, always out there- singing the rap songs,
using the slang.
Bob:
Well that's me David I'm from the street.
All:
Yeah, yeah.
David:
I guess I'm not from anywhere and I guess I have no friends
either.
Bob:
That's too bad.
David:
Correction I do have one friend-- the best friend in the whole
world.
John:
Oh man, look if you mention that junkie again I swear I'll go
get high.
Jill:
Yeah, David how many times have I told you there's no such thing
as a talking junkie?
David:
Yes there is- I've seen him.
Tom:
Where? London, England?
John:
When? A few whiffens past?
Jill:
Cheerio!
David:
There is such thing as a talking junkie I have seen him!
Bob:
(putting on huge hooded jacket, stepping up to a mic and DJ
equipment) David listen I've got a show to do here on Planet
Earth any time you wanna join me your welcome. Damn! Steppin'
back with your old funky ass biotch! Ain't no party like a Mr.
Show party 'cause a Mr. Show party don't stop! Hey! Ho! Come
on! Hey! Ho! Yeah! Hey! Ho! Yup-yup! Hey! Ho! Lets go! Hey!
Ho! Ho! Hey!
[Transition- David walks outside through a door where the
talking junkie is sitting.]
Talking
Junkie
Cast:
- David-
himself
- Bob-
Junkie
David:
Hey Junkie
Bob:
[voice over as Bob moves his mouth like he's chewing peanut
butter] David what's wrong aren't you supposed to be doin' your
show?
David:
Yeah, supposed to. They won't miss me. Bob's in there fuckin'
shit up old school and I got kicked out of school.
Bob:
I'm sorry squirt.
David:
Ah, I just wanted some personality is all.
Bob:
Oh, David you do have personality-- you're hyper, and pushy,
and rude and you're loud and your--
David:
Okay, okay I get it. Hey junkie what if I got a cool tattoo?
Bob:
Well I don't know, how's that cockring working out?
David:
Well, my girlfriend liked it, and my boyfriend liked, it but
my wife hated it. [shrugs]
Bob:
Oh-ho, David sometimes the answer is right in front of your
face.
David:
You think I should do drugs?
Bob:
Worked for me.
David:
Well-- I don't know.
[.......Later on, David's sleeve rolled up- ]
David:
This was a bad idea.
[theme plays]
David: [v.o. singing] Everyone knows a junkie squats
and everyone knows a junkie walks but have you seen junkie talk?
The amazing Mr. Junkie.....
[fades out]
[Transition- David (Ty Miginty), with beer in hand sits watching
the television with "Mr. Junkie, The Talking Junkie" on the
screen, changes the channel to the football game.]
New
Son
Cast-
- Bob-
Rod Miginty
- Jill-
Mrs. Miginty
- David-
Ty Miginty
- Tom-
Todd
- Mary
Lynn- Sarah
Bob:
(with camcorder) Oh look at him.
Jill:
I'm so happy.
Bob:
Ooh he's a scratcher, he's a scratcher.
David:
[yawns]
Jill:
(in baby talk) Oh someone's tired.
Both:
Oohhoo.
Bob:
Oh, there's the bell.
Jill:
Oh, I'll get it.
Mary
Lynn: Hi!! Where's the baby boy?
Jill:
Hi!
Tom:
Hey! There's the proud poppa!
Jill:
Hi Todd.
Tom:
Congratulations mommy!
Tom:
Where's that baby Where's that baby? Where's that baby?
Mary
Lynn: Where's that little baby?
Jill:
Shhh!
Tom:
He's asleep?
Bob:
He's right here.
Jill:
Isn't he precious?
Bob:
Go on say hi to him.
Mary
Lynn: He's big.
Jill:
His name is Tyler and he's just perfect.
Tom:
Um right... I know you guys have been wanting a baby for a long
time uh, but you can't be serious, you adopted this guy? He's
our age.
Jill:
Todd, Rod and I are very serious. We told the adoption agency
we had no preferences-- any age, any color, any background,
so long as it was someone that wanted to be loved.
Bob:
Come on. Give him a chance, go on.
Jill:
Yeah...
Bob:
Come on.
Tom:
Hi- Todd.
David:
(mumbles) Hey....how ya doin'.
Jill:
Ty, manners.
David:
Hi I'm Ty-- Ty uh...?
Bob:
Miginty.
David:
Ty Miginty. Just watching the game you know?
Tom:
Yeah... Hey I know that ring! Penn State huh?
David:
Yeah Nitny (?) Lions, man, Class of 85.
Tom:
Pitt, Class of 87.
David:
No shit!
Tom:
No shit!
David:
You ever go to the Red Barn?
Tom:
Fuck yeah! Quarter beers! Tuesdays.
David:
Yeah, yeah. Hey were you there in 89 when that drunk chic gave
fat Lenny the lap dance?
[Tom (Todd) and David (Ty) imitate lap dance]
Tom:
You gotta meet my wife Sarah. Sarah this is Ty Miginty.
Mary
Lynn: Hi.
Tom:
Penn State.
David:
Well hello. En chante [kisses Mary Lynn (Sarah)'s hand]
Mary
Lynn: Todd.
Tom:
Okay... Hey that's enough of that.
David:
How 'bout I clear off a place for you to sit down... (gesturing
to his mouth) Take a load off. Come on baby.
Tom:
Thanks Rod.
David:
What're ya doing going out with a Pitt man for?...[laughs] [to
Jill and Bob] Oh, so... uh hey is it cool to smoke in here or
are you guys gonna be dicks about it?
Bob:
Well uh we'd rather you didn't.
Jill:
My baby can smoke on his special day.
Bob:
Honey um, we should talk...
Jill:
Talk to your son...
Bob:
Okay.... Hey son guess what? We're gonna do everything together,
you and I. You know what? Next week you're gonna come down to
my office and watch me design things, I'm an architect, and
uh, we're gonna go to a baseball card show, and next weekend
you and I are gonna fix that hole in the roof, huh, just a father
and son fix it day what do ya say tiger?
David:
Okay, first of all, you're an architect? No, you're a pussy.
Second of all, baseball card shows? Oh, they're for real big
pussies. And third of all, I'm not fixing your roof, your roof
your hole.
Jill:
(Coming from kitchen with tray) Smores!
Bob:
Listen can we send this guy back?
Jill:
Send him back? This is our new son.
Bob:
I don't care, if you haven't noticed this guy's a real asshole.
David:
Come on dad, I didn't ask to be born.
Jill:
All right, I think it's time for a family meeting Tyler Miginty
turn off the television.
David:
You can't make me, you're not my real parents.
Bob:
Turn of the TV, dickweed.
David:
I hate you daddy! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I'm leaving
and I'm never coming back.
Jill:
(going for him) Ooh Ty-- Ty!
Bob:
(holding her back) No, no, let him go.
David:
You know something? You know, I've been adopted 43 times, you
know, and all right, 42 times of those all right, I was the
asshole, that was my bad, you know, not this time you fucked
this one up. I tried you didn't...Gee dad cat's still in the
cradle, silver spoon, the moon, all that...
[Transition: David walks outside, a red balloon greets him,
music starts]
Red
Balloon
David:
(gestures and mouths "me?" and they start walking down the street)
Bob:
(voice over singing) When you're feeling low and things have
gone astray,
Remember my friend help is on the way Red Balloon is here,
To take your hand and steer,
Red Balloon will help you fly away.
Red Balloon has a tale to tell of candy fun and golden bells,
Red Balloon will push you down a well,
Red Balloon will send you straight to hell.
(They walk into liquor shop)
You've got to follow your balloon.
You've got to follow your balloon.
(They play dice on the street with a bunch of guys and win)
Red Balloon will lead you on,
Red Balloon will make you strong.
(They're in a strip club, Red Balloon gets hit by a bra)
Chorus:
You've got to follow your balloon.
You've got to follow your balloon.
You've got to follow your balloon.
You've got to follow your balloon.
You've got to follow,
You've got to follow your balloon.
You've got to follow your balloon.
You've got to follow your balloon.
Why won't you follow your balloon?
[Transition: David and Red Balloon walk into a store with
a sign that says, "Adult Theater/Book store," music fades.]
Porno
Shop
Cast-
- Bob-
Mr. Applesway
- Jill-
Mrs. Applesway
- David-
Jimmy Applesway / Ty Miginty
- Tom-
Mr. Tink
- Paul-
Ghost
Bob:
Hello.
David:
Hi... Hi can I get some change please.
Bob:
Sure.
David:
For the balloon.
Bob:
Sure it is. Hey, you're a new face here why don't you try booth
three? I'll let the movies play a little longer.
(John walks out of a room)
Jill:
Goodness Troy you're only in there about 10 minutes, are you
feelin' all right?
John:
Yeah
Jill:
Step over here.. (he obliges, she feels his head) No warmer
than you should be, all right see ya next week.
John:
Thanks Mrs. A.
Bob:
Good-bye Troy.
John:
Thanks Mr. A (exits)
Bob:
Good kid.
Jill:
Fine boy.
Bob:
(Walks around counter, stubs toe on box) God damnit!
Jill:
Language!
Bob:
Jimmy! What the hell is this young man?
David:
(with a different shirt and backwards hat enters) I know...
Bob:
I'll tell ya what it is! It's a box of big black dildos. You
and your sister were supposed to put these out last night!
David:
I'll do it later.
Bob:
You'll do it now. (hits him in the head with dildo)
David:
Ow!
Bob:
And next time you'll get more than a dildo in the head!
David:
Stupid dildos.
Bob:
Don't blame the dildos.
Tom:
Morning Mr. Applesway, Mrs. Applesway.
Jill:
Mr. Tink.
Tom:
Suppose you know why I'm here.
Bob:
Mr. Tink I told you this shop is not for sale.
Tom:
Look take the money, the city's rezoning this entire block you're
gonna lose the shop.
Bob:
No we wont.
Jill:
We have a petition.
Bob:
Every customer for the last month has signed that and proudly.
Tom:
(reads petition) L. Smith, Bill Smith, Mr. Jones? Fake names!
Bob:
Well, the last names might be, but the first names are real.
Tom:
Very clever, but it wont work. Mr. Applesway, when you change
your mind, and you will give me a call. Ah could I have some
quarters also?
Bob:
Of course of course you can, shoulda known. Try booth two- 2
chicks one dick.
David:
(with bookbag on) Done, I'm going to Ronnie's.
Jill:
Take this clean shaven tape over to Ronnie's dad for me.(Starts
putting tape in bag, discovers something...) Would you care
to explain this.
Bob:
What's that?
Jill:
One of those X-rated cd-roms. I will not have this filth in
my house. This stuff sickens me, sex with the computer.
David:
Mom its only porno.
Jill:
Jimmy honey, computers are not natural there's no warmth. Not
like a magazine you know you can run your fingers over the pages...
David:
You run your fingers over the pages.
Bob:
You watch your mouth!
David:
Keep the stupid CD. I don't care, I hate porno I'm sick of it.
I'm sick of All Anal Action, Chicks with Dicks, Lactating Mamas
and all of it.
Bob:
Let me remind you that that stupid all anal action paid for
that mountain bike of yours.
David:
Well I don't care.
Bob:
Well you should start to care.
David:
Well I don't.
Bob:
Well you should.
Paul:
Who speaks ill of pornography?
Bob:
Oh my god, who are you?
Paul:
I? Why I started this shop with just a hole in the side of a
tree.
Bob:
Oh my god great-great-great-grandpa!
Paul:
That's right. Young man you say you hate pornography but pornography
does not hate you . Why in your darkest hour who is it that
holds your hand? Pornography.
Bob:
You listen to him Jimmy.
Paul:
You listen too father. Do you remember how they laughed you?
They laughed at you when you brought home the very first dirty
video tape!
Bob:
Yes, yes!
Paul:
What did they say ? That it would never replace the Super-8
loop. But now look-- look, an entire wall of nothing but hard
core gay anal sex! If that doesn't bring a tear to your eye,
then, you're the one who's in-human!
Bob:
Thank you sir, you've taught us all a lesson.
Paul:
Don't mention it... And now I must depart your physical realm!
Bob:
Good-bye!
David:
Bye!
Jill:
Bye!
Paul:
Could I get some quarters?
Bob:
Oh yeah, of course ya can. Here ya go.
Paul:
Thank you very much, keep it in the family. Now I bid you farewell...
Bob:
Farewell.
Paul:
...back into the mist.
Guy
in booth: Hey I'm in here.
Paul:
Sorry, sorry, terribly sorry. So long now.
Bob:
Bye.
Paul:
Good-bye.
Jill:
Bye.
(Bob and Jill hug)
Bob:
Mr. Tink?
Tom:
I couldn't help but over hear what that ghost had to say. He's
right, I'm advising my bosses to look elsewhere.
Bob:
Oh, thank you sir.
David:
Thank you sir, thank you.
Jill:
God bless you!
Tom:
You're welcome.
David:
Thank you.
Bob:
Good-bye.
David:
Good-bye.
Tom:
Good-bye... uh Could I have some quarters?
Bob:
Oh yes, I thought you were done.
Tom:
A couple of pumps left.
David:
I'm just going to Ronnie's.
Jill:
All right, be careful!
(a loud banging begins)
Bob:
Those damn neighbors. (Bangs on ceiling with broom) Keep it
down! There's people trying to masturbate down here!
[Transition: Camera pans up from porn shop to an apartment
where a girl is standing on a chair nailing up a noose to
her ceiling.]
Ewww
Girl Video/Video Soul
Cast-
- Bob-
Wolfgang Amadeus Stallonies Von Funkenmeister the Nineteenth
and Three Quarters
- David-
Pootie-T
- John-
Brett
- Girl
[VIDEO]
Girl: I can't take it, I can't take it anymore, this
world is hard. I got no reason to live.
[Bob, wearing a hat and suit with dreds, a hat and a line goatee
and David wearing a white suit with no shirt, a big gold dollar
sign around his neck, and a Geri Curl appear out of nowhere]
Girl:
Three Times One Minus One, what are you doing here?
[appears on screen:
"Ewww, Girl, Ewww"
THREE TIMES ONE MINUS ONE
Literacy for the People
Sloppy Seconds Records
Director: Famous Mortimer]
Bob:
Three times one minus one's gonna make it ahh-right.
[David hands the girl a rose, and pounds is chest while singing
"Ewww" over and over again inturrupted by a "Damn" from Bob.]
[cut to "Video Soul"]
John: Check it out G. Comin' straight outta Scarsdale,
that's Three Times One Minus One with their top ten single,
"Ewww, Girl, Ewww." I'm be chittin' and chattin' with them right
here, in the present tense on the W.P.C.B.C.N.
[cut to screen with logo]
Bob
V.O.: You are watching... the White People Co-opting Black
Culture Network.
[cut back to John]
John:
Aahaight, aahaight, I'm hangin' wit my boys from the T.T.O.M.O.
Why don't ya'll introduce ya'll selves?
Bob:
Well, uh, it's like I'm sayin' this is my main man Pootie-T.
David:
What's up.
Bob:
It's like I'm sayin', My name is Wolfgang Amadeus Stallonies
Von Funkenmeister the Nineteenth and Three Quarters.
John:
Yeah so, so, so tell me about ya'lls influen-cience.
Bob:
Yeah, yeah I'm down with that. It's like I'm sayin' (?), we've
been influenced by all kinds of white performers who've been
influenced by black entertainers. It's like I'm sayin' I gotta
say my man Elvis, the king, you know, it's like I'm sayin' Vanilla
Ice, the original, you know, it's like I'm sayin' the Blues
Brothers right? It's like I'm sayin' the New Kids, like I'm
sayin' the Manhattan Transfer. All that, all that, all the greats,
all the great ones.
John:
All right, well you know, lets dip into that hot and stick-ay
video one mo' time T.T.O.M.O.
[VIDEO]
[David singing, "Ewwww" and "Girl" over and over, David and
the girl *appear* to be having sex on the bed while Bob stands
by ready to say, "Damn".]
[cut back to "Video Soul"]
John: Damn man! That's the bomb! So its a message of
hope?
Bob:
Well it's about lit'racy, ya know.
John:
Damn!
Bob:
Down with that.
John:
You recently, Pootie-T, got the book thrown at ya for like,
a pamphlet crime.
Bob:
Straight up man.
David:
'S'talkin 'bout loiterin'.
Bob:
Yeah. My man Pootie-T-- damn, damn, the cops came down on him
so hard, so hard, you know, they say he been loiterin' and jay
walkin' you know, cause he been walking across the street. Man,
my man Pootie-T is from the street, he's gotta be able to walk
across the street.
David:
I ain't got no flyin' shoes.
Bob:
Now, Brett, it's like now my man here is facin' ten, twenty
dollar fine. It's like I'm sayin' man the cops be crackin' down
on ya. You know it's like, if you're a white performer, who's
impersonatin' a black performer, they come right at ya, you
know, it's like a, it's like a double triple standard, you know.
It's like I'm sayin' it's like double reverse racism times nine.
The cops be crackin' down on us, they see you drivin by in a
fancy car they stop you and go, "Yo, you know if you was a black
man, I'd arrest you, but, you're a white-- you-- and you're
actin' like your black, and you can go but..." Yeah... You know
Brett I've got one more thing to say to everybody out there.
Is that the camera that's on?
John:
Yeah right over there.
Bob:
Okay. It's like I'm sayin' you know...
John:
Yeah, yeah.... ahh-ight well listen as we turn it out lets take
another wiff of that latroucious vid-e-i-e-i-e-i-o wit my boys
from the T.T.O.M.O.
[VIDEO]
[David sings, "Girl, lady, woman..." more "Damns" from Bob.
David and the girl are in a bath tub together with Bob looking
on. Fades to original apartment.]
Tom:
Well here's 308, this is the place, and it just became available
unfortunately the last girl who lived here took her own life.
I hope that doesn't bother you.
Bob:
Damn.
Rap:
The Musical
Tom
V.O.: Coming to the Greenwich Civic Center from London's
West End, Sir Lloyd Wilson Webber's Rap the Musical!
David:
(dressed in a red and white striped jacket and straw hat with
a cane) Just gimme that big booming bass in your face, that
booming bass.
Gimme that stupid phat rhyme everytime, describe a crime.
Tom
V.O.: Rap the musical contains no rap music!
Tom:
(dressed as a chimney sweep a la Dick Van Dyke) I'm goin on
a drive-by, just me posse and me.
I'm a gangsta of the old school, you can call me O-G.
Tom
V.O.: Rap the musical is a celebration for the entire family.
Mary
Lynn: (in a wheel chair dressed as a little girl) I'm in
a gang of one,
Stuck in this chair I cant have much fun,
But with a mic and a beat I could get out of this seat and then
oh what rap music can be!
I could rap about this I could rap about that....
Tom
V.O.: Rap the musical- the fun of rap without all that rap!
Bob:
(in a gold tooth costume, tap dancing) Well I'm an old gold
tooth, and I'll tell ya the truth, I live in the mouth of my
homey, (points to tapping feet) lets take it south.
Tom
V.O.: Don't miss rap the musical. You'll want to experience
the magic again and again. Open up your heart and let the rap
shine in!
And now back to the Homage Awards
[Transition: as if coming back from commercial-]
Homage
Awards
David
V.O.: Live from the Globo-Chem arena we return to the Homage
Awards honoring excellence in the field of borrowing of black
culture!
2nd
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen 'Nilla Ice.
Jay:
Yeah this is the new me. Ahhight, the nominees for the most
soulful single performed by a white duo is "Wanna Freak You
In The Ass" by R U Da 1? Ahhight yeah, and "Eww Girl Eww," by
Three Times One Minus One. Ahhight yeah, ahhight and "Premium
Soulsonic Megajive- The Love Them From Brutal Enigma" by 2 True
4 U .... Yeah, ahhight, ahhight, and another one from my boys
from Three Times One Minus One, "Eww, Girl, Eww, Girl"... Yeah,
ahhight and the winner is-- Man, all my boys from T.T.O.M.O.
Ahh yeah.
(Video of Bob and David looking dissapointed for losing to themseleves)
Bob:
It's like I'm sayin' I wanna give a shout out to my main man
God.
David:
Assa Salum Alakum.
Bob:
And I wanna say to all my black brothers out there keep out
pumpin' out the rhymes and we'll keep re-pumpin' em. Pootie-t
lets take em out.
David:
Ahh-ight.
[Bob and David begin an excellent live performance of Eww Girl
Eww. Continues over credits]
[After credits]
Creeping
Peeping Videos*
Cast-
- John-
a female middle-aged nanny
- David-
Ty Miginty
HBO's
Announcer: Next on HBO...
[Video shown over Bob's voice over: A man on the toilet reading
a paper and scratching his ass. Cut to a woman mixing batter
and then spitting in it. Cut to Jay at a kiddy table yelling
at dolls and then holding up a little tea cup so the stuffed
bunny can drink.]
Bob
V.O.: Tonight, on HBO--Creepy Peeping Videos 4. HBO placed
hundreds of secret pinhole cameras in people's home to catch
them in embarrassing private moments. It's all against the law
and it's all on HBO. Tonight you'll see actual video of a nanny
out of control.
[Cut to living room. 9:14 am. The nanny is saying good-bye to
the parents.]
Bob
V.O.: A camera was placed above the TV set in this home
and caught these horrific scenes.
[9:29 am. John is up at the camera and turns on the TV.]
John:
Okay, come in here; we're going to watch Aunt Helen's favorite
show. Now come on, let's go. Come on, sit down, we're gonna
watch one of my stories.
David:
I don't want to watch soap operas--the game's on.
John:
Sit! Down! [pulls David by the arm and flings him onto the couch.]
David:
Jesus. Ow. Look lady--
John:
Be quiet--
David:
Look, I told you I don't want to watch the soap operas.
John:
[hits him repeatedly] Did you hear what I said?! Did you?! Did
you hear what I said?!
[11:43 am in the kitchen. David reaches for a french fry.]
John:
Those are my fries! [slaps his hand] Now you don't get anything.
[takes David's sandwich]
David:
[cries loudly]
John:
[shoves him out of the frame] Shut up.
[1:20 pm. John's in the kitchen and David walks in]
David:
Hey, I found my balloon.
John:
[pops it]
David:
[cries loudly and drops to his knees] You popped my balloon!
You--
[John hits David on the head and David falls to the floor.]
[3:07 pm in the living room. John is tying David's shoe.]
John:
Don't help me. God, I have to--
David:
Ow ow! You're tying too tight.
John:
[says something and then slaps him across the face.] What did
I say to you?! What did I say to you?! Too tight? I'll show
you too--
David:
[wails]
[John hits David in his face repeatedly and David lays back
shocked.]
John:
You hear me? Are you gonna behave? Are you gonna behave? [shakes
him] Are you gonna behave?! [gets up] Oh, I can't believe--no,
I can't leave you alone for a minute. You're gonna get in the
bath. [pulls David off the couch by his arm and drags him out
of frame.] C'mon. C'mon, you're getting in the bath and there
will be no bubbles--not a one!
Bob
V.O.: Creepy Peeping Videos 4--only on HBO. We're naughty.
Credit to Mr. Show, Dakota Films/North Entertainment Inc., and
HBO
Transcribed by Erin
Houlihan
*Transcribed by Trista
Lycosky
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