Season Two, Show Four (so far)
Gay
Son
Cast:
- Bob-
Tommy
- John-
Dad
- Jill-
Mom
- Brian-
Rodrigo
[Transition
from last sketch: The end of the Van Hammersly commercial plays
on a TV set, with a screen on how to order it. John and Jill
are sitting in a living room.]
Jill:
I think that gentleman’s gay.
John:
Well, more power to him, mother.
[Bob enters carrying a poster that has his picture and says,
"We Love our Gay Son."]
Bob:
[upset] Mom, Dad, look! I found these all over town!
John:
Ah, God, no!
Jill:
Oh, honey.
John:
Tommy, you weren’t supposed to see that, son.
Bob:
Wha-what.
Jill:
This isn’t how we wanted you to find out.
John:
Well, I guess it’s all out in the open now.
Jill:
We still love you. We support you. We’re proud of you.
John:
You’re gay, son.
Bob:
What?!
Jill:
Yeah. We’ve known for years.
John:
I feel like a great weight has been lifted.
Bob:
I’m not gay! I have a girlfriend!
John:
Aw-ha ha, a beard; that’s what they call it, right mother?
Jill:
Honey. Honey honey. We have confronted our homophobia and so
has everyone else in town.
John:
Well, thanks to your mother’s tireless efforts, spreading the
words about your homosexuality. Calling people and writing people
and-and putting your picture up on telephone poles...and buying
bus stop bench ads and starting an on-line chat service all
about you and your gayness.
Bob:
[borderline hysterical] Ah! Shut up! I’m not gay! You two made
my life miserable in this town. I hate you!
Jill:
Ah!
John:
You gay bastard! No gay son of mine isn’t "not gay!" You better
get gay or I’ll make you gay!
Bob:
You just try it.
John:
My pleasure. Rodrigo? Get in here.
[Brian enters wearing highly cut jean shorts, a tight tank top,
and a leather biker hat. He gives Bob a coy look.]
Jill:
Tommy, Rodrigo is the best.
John:
Rodrigo? Do what you do.
Jill:
Go on, gay him up.
[Transition: David, wearing khaki pants, a plaid shirt, and
one of those hats with the ponytail attached, rides a bicycle
in and interrupts the scene.]
Grass
Valley Greg
Cast:
- David-
Greg Sniper
- Bob-
himself
- Jill,
John, and Brian are in the background from the preceding scene.
David:
[overly cheerful] Hey! Hey everybody! Hey! Wee--ha ha! Oh! That
was fun!
Bob:
Greg, what are you doing?
David:
Oh, I love to see a scene about a gay coming out.
Bob:
No, that isn’t what the scene was about. We weren’t done.
David:
Oh, Robert, anything is possible, as long as you imagineer it!
Bob:
What are you talking--folks, I’m sorry. This is Greg Sniper;
he’s the principal stockholder of Mr. Show.
David:
You know why, folks? Because I love to laugh. You guys did such
a great job--guess what? Tofutti break!
Bob:
No, Greg, we can’t. We have to finish the scene.
David:
No you don’t! I’m the boss, Robert, and the boss says, "Work
is play! Tofutti break today!" [David drags Bob over to the
table with the tofutti.] Tofutti time! Robert, blast off with
outer space chocolate vanilla swirl!
[Bob takes the dish and walks away.]
[Transition. Bob: I mean, goats are stupid, mean, and hard-headed
animals. That’s why they’re called "Nature’s Presidents."]
Downsizing
Cast:
- Bob-
Mr. Twelp
- David-
John Flane
- Tom-
CEO
- Jill-
Joanne
[In
an office.]
Bob:
[talking to a framed painting of a goat] What should I do, Mr.
President? Yes. Thank you. Okay, alright, I got you, Jesus.
[goes to intercom] Send him in.
[Scene widens, David’s already sitting there. While sitting
down, Bob notices.]
Bob:
Whoa!
David:
Ha!
Bob:
Whoa!
David:
Ha!
Bob:
Ah! Flane.
David:
Yes, Mr. Twelp?
Bob:
Yes, sit down, please. Flane, I’m gonna call you Jerry.
David:
[chuckles] John.
Bob:
Jimmy. Jim John.
David:
John.
Bob:
Jim-Jom, uh, I had a man, uh, look over your files and talk
to a man who’s seen him, and uh he--he told me what he thought,
and I liked what that man heard.
David:
Oh, great!
Bob:
Uhh, you are currently making $47,000 a year?
David:
Yes, sir.
Bob:
Well, how would you feel about a raise of $20,000 a year *and*
the use of a company car?
David:
Oh, that is terrific, sir-- uh $20,000 raise and a company car?
Bob:
Ah, yes. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. Uh, Flane,
this company is downsizing and, uh, Todd, uh with your recent
raise and I understand...you’ve got a car?
David:
[smiles] Yes, sir.
Bob:
Well, we simply can’t afford you anymore. I’m sorry, but we’re
gonna to have to let you go.
David:
Well, I don’t understand.
Bob:
I’m sorry--we’re downsizing.
David:
No no no, but you--
Bob:
Downsizing. Here’s a written recommendation. Best of luck to
you.
[David takes it and starts to the door, confused.]
Bob:
Flane! Listen, come back and sit down, please. Oh, jeez, listen
I know what you’re going through. I know you’re out of work,
Andy, hell, it’s all over the office. Bill, you’ve got a lot
of great qualities. Gary, you’re a good listener; you’re easy
to fire, and uh let’s face it, you’re available. Archibald,
I can get you $12,000 if you stay here.
David:
12,000, but--?
Bob:
Great. You’ve got some kind of recommendation? [rips the paper
out of his hand.] Ah, Mr. Twelp; well I’ll just give myself
a call. Ha ha ha. Don’t worry, I’ll sweet talk this asshole.
Jagoff isn’t answering. Oh hey, there you are! Say, listen,
what do you know about Flane here? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Oh, good,
thank you. Oh [laughs] I’ll see you Tuesday. [hangs up and starts
whistling]
David:
What did he--you--what did he say?
Bob:
Oh, we’re going golfing on Tuesday.
David:
No no no, about me.
Bob:
Oh, you’re good. Welcome to the firm!
David:
Thank you.
Bob:
Hey between you, me, and the wall, there’s an umor-ray about
Um-gay Eisen-say. Ha ha.
David:
I don’t know what that means.
Bob:
It’s pig language. [phone rings] Hello! Yes, Flane’s here. Oh
sure. It’s for you.
David:
Uh, yes hello? Flane--fired? O.K. Thanks.
Bob:
[cheerful] What’d they say?
David:
You’re fired.
Bob:
Fuck you, I quit!! [pause] Put in one week and look what they
do to ya. Well, it’s this damn downsizing. Whattaya gonna do
about it? I don’t know, you just go out and have a drink. [leaving
office] Well, I’ll join you, I’m goin’ for a double. Oh, I’m
joining you.
David:
[looking over the office. In awe.] Wow! Yeah! [Lifts his shirt,
tie, and blazer off, then he pulls his pants down. Left in his
underwear his sits in his chair. Intercom buzzes. He looks for
the sound. It buzzes again until he answer it. He tries to answer
his desktop calendar, then a pen, then notices the intercom
and answers it.] Oh yes, hello?
Tom
V.O.: Is this my new distribution manager?
David:
Yes sir, it is!
Tom
V.O.: You’re fired.
[David grabs his arms like they took the shirt of his back and
he’s left freezing. Cut to Tom behind a nice desk.]
Tom:
Well, that’s that. I’ve fired everyone. No one left but me;
that oughta boost profits, right? Right?! Jesus! Am I the only
one left?! Is there no other human on the planet, but I?! [long
scream, interrupted by Jill.]
Jill:
Sir, sir! Are you alright?
Tom:
Why yes, Joanne, I’m fine, thank you. [She puts a folder down
and starts to leave.] Thank you. Oh, you’re fired!
[Transition. Still Tom. "Oh shitballs--now who’s gonna to run
the company? Think
think, take a drink. Yeah, that always helps. Who could I get?
Oh, of course."]
Credit to Mr. Show, Dakota Films/North Entertainment Inc., and
HBO
Transcribed by Trista
Lycosky
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back to the listings
