Partial
Season Two, Show Six
Introduction:
Charity
[Mary
Lynn: "Hey! Pop a wheelie -- it’s Bob and David!" Bob comes out dressed in a
running suit and jogs in place.]
Bob:
Yeah!
David:
Oh yeah.
Bob:
Hey David.
David:
Hey...uh, hey Bob, what’s with the runnin’ stuff?
Bob:
Ah, it’s nothin’. It’s just part of my charity work; no big deal.
David:
Oh. Um, on tonight’s show we’re gonna feature a new wig, and it’s styled by--
Bob:
--Alright, alright. I’ll talk about it. Folks, I’m gonna be runnin’ throughout
the entire show tonight, because you all caught me in the middle of my annual
10-day run for people with full-blown intitillitus.
David:
Anyway, tonight’s wig is styled by the House of--
Bob:
--It’s a lot of work to do, yeah, I know. But, you know, that’s the kind of
guy I am. I’m very selfless. I’m very giving. It’s just something I... [applauds
trying to get the crowd to applaud] ...c’mon! No! That’s not way I’m doing this.
C’mon, you can clap! No, that’s not..that is not why I’m doing this.
David:
I’m good too, though, you know. I’m good, also. I mean, what you’re doin’ is
sorta like uh, a lot like my work with "David’s Kids." [Cut to three bored/unhappy
kids with shirts that say "David’s Kids."]
Bob:
Oh.
David:
You know, each year I--each year I raise money for ‘em, just to keep ‘em goin’.
Bob:
Uh, David, it’s not the same thing. Those kids are your illegitimate children;
you have to support them. I hate to bring up another good thing that I do, but
I will. In fact, I think I have to get to it right now--my "Wheels to Meals"
program.
David:
"Wheels to Meals?"
Bob:
That’s right, David. I deliver elderly people to food. [Wheels an old man in
a wheel chair, holding utensils, over to a table.] How you doin,’ old timer?
It’s good for the old people *and* it’s good for the food.
David:
You know what? Ha ha, that’s actually very similar to my work with "David’s
Girls." [Cut to Tina New, Cheryl Bartel, and Lisa Boyle wearing half shirts
that read "David’s Girls." They happily wave.]
Bob:
Ahh, David, hardly. Hardly. Paying models to wear paper clothes and have pillow
fights is not charity work.
David:
Oh, I know! Then that’s like my work with David. Ah, that’s my boy! Me! [Cut
to David in the audience, wearing a shirt that reads "David’s David." He enthusiastically
waves.] Hey Tiger, hey.
Bob:
No, David, no. No, that’s not charity work either, David. *Charity* is when
you do something for people while other people are *watching.* And while I’m
on the subject, we got these cameras on? Which one? Oh right here? Great. I’ve
got a phone call I have to make. [takes out phone]
David:
Whoa, who-who are you callin’?
Bob:
Oh, it’s nothin’. Just a friend of mine--Gary. He’s blind.
[David acts as though he’s been one-uped.]
Bob:
I like to call him and read him a comic strip. I figure, it brightens his day.
[pause] He’s blind from *birth.*
David:
Aw! Shit.
[David, outdone, walks off the stage frustrated.]
Blind
Gary
[Split
Screen. In one: David, as an impatient, busy, blind executive. The other: Bob,
who reads the comic strip mentioned in the last scene. Jill plays the secretary.]
Bob:
Hey Gary, hey man, how ya doin’? I got a great Calvin today, buddy. You’re gonna
love--
David:
Okay, Bob. Let’s do this.
Bob:
[speaking to off stage] He’s really excited. [to David] Okay, in the first panel,
Calvin’s in church and church...is kinda weird, but it’s *funny* man, it’s funny.
I wish I could describe it--
David:
[into intercom] Nancy, can you get me all invoices for Jaker and Rubbs.
Bob:
Um, sorry Gary, what was that?
David:
Don’t worry about it, Bob; read the thing.
Bob:
Oh, okay. Okay now, in the second panel Calvin’s in hell and it’s totally scary!
...But kinda funny. It’s--God, I wish you could *see* it! I mean, ugh! I can’t
really describe it. But, it’s got like faces on the flames and--
David:
--Ha ha. Ah, that’s great, Bob. Very funny. Thank, thanks a lot. You’re a good
man. And, uh, you brighten my day. And on behalf of blind people everywhere,
thank you. Okay, really gotta run. Buh-bye now.
Bob:
Okay, but there’s a third panel, Gary.
David:
Bob? I don’t spend my day fuckin’ around on a television show. I have a company
to run.
[David hangs up; Bob looks confused. Jill enters, and that side goes full screen.]
Jill:
Mr. Haverson, a Mr. Phil Leshkin called. He wants to read you the racing form.
And a Mr. Genetto called, he wants to read you the back of a cereal box in case
you’re having breakfast.
David:
[sighs] Alright.
[David,
as the blind man, addresses the camera...except he doesn’t exactly face the
camera.]
David:
You know, like many people with disabilities, I lead a full, active life. But
every now and then, I like to take a few minutes to let a non-handicapped person
"help me." It could be something as small as letting them read the paper or
as big as a weekend at the zoo. It gives a sense of purpose to their otherwise
meaningless existence. This is especially true in Hollywood [clip of Bob and
Jill entering some event] where celebrities are grossly rewarded for insignificant
achievements [clip of Jay and Paul waving statuettes] and lead empty, trivial
lives. [clip of Jay doing Mary Lynn’s make-up] For years, handicapped people
have donated their time to give just a little bit of meaning to these otherwise
sad and hollow individuals. From big time telethons [clip from the Blame-a-thon
from show 6] to small, anonymous gestures, [cut to next scene as sentence finishes]
handicapped people are there...for you.
[Transition.
On a subway car, David limps, with the aid of a crutch, across to Jay.
Jay: (puts money in David’s cup) Thank you.
David: You’re welcome. (Limps forward and waits for the door to open, then limps
away.)]
Subway
Cast:
- Jill-
Linda
- Tom-
man and voice-over
- John-
old lady
- Paul-
Japanese man
- Jack-
gay guy
- Jay-
biker
- David-
Dr. Sammy
- Bob-
Dr. Randy Terry
[On
a subway car-- John, Paul, Jack, and Jay are already on. David is limping, with
the aid of a crutch, across to Jay.]
Jay:
[puts money in David’s cup] Thank you.
David:
You’re welcome. [Limps forward and waits for the door to open, them limps away.]
[Jill enters with Tom following after her.]
Tom:
Linda! Don’t leave me!
Jill:
Todd.
Tom:
Linda, don’t do this to me. I love you.
Jill:
I know, but I want more.
Tom:
I want more, too, you know. I want to be with you...to be with you...and you
know a team...you know you and me. I mean--
John:
Ask her to marry you.
Tom:
What?
John:
Ask her to marry you.
Jay:
C’mon , be a man.
Jack:
If you feel it, say it.
Tom:
Linda, will you marry me?
[Jill hugs Tom. And the rest all "aww." Tom waves his hand trying to quiet them.]
Jill:
I’m sorry. No, I can’t.
All:
[expect Tom and Jill] Aw!!
Tom:
Is it something I did? I mean...
Paul:
[speaks Japanese]
Jay:
Oh, he said, uh, he said ask her if you can still go out occasionally.
Tom:
Can we still go out...occasionally?
Jill:
No. Sorry.
Tom:
Jesus.
John:
Hit her. Hit her!
Paul:
[speaks Japanese]
Jay:
He said, "Give her a Kung Fu."
Paul:
Ya.
Jack:
C’mon, be a man.
Jay:
Yeah.
All
of them: [chanting] Hit her. Hit her. Hit her. Hit her. Hit her. Hit her.
Hit--
Tom:
[raises hand to slap her and then loses hit and lunges at them] Shut up! Shut
up! Shut--
[Tom realizes what he did and covers his mouth and goes back to Jill.]
Jill:
Todd! Todd! [she hugs him]
Tom:
I’m sorry! I’m sorry!
[The rest "aww" and applaud.]
Jack:
Kiss her.
John:
Slip her the tongue.
Jack:
Grab her ass.
[Tom tries to do so.]
Jill:
Quit...Stop it!
Tom:
I’m sorry.
Jill:
What’s wrong with you? First you ask me to marry you, then you ask me out, then
you try to grope me? You need help. [leaves]
John:
Punch the wall.
Tom:
I’m gonna punch you!
John:
You better not, Buster Brown.
[Tom sits down and they all freeze in their positions: Tom hunched over, John
talking with Paul, and Jack talking to Jay.]
[David walks into the scene, and the light switches to him.]
David:
Hello. I’m Dr. Sammy, Beverly Hills psycho-actualist and author of the book,
"Old Lady, Biker, Gay Guy, Japanese Man: The Four Voices Within." You see, within
each of us are four distinct drives, or "voices." [As David singles out each
one, they "unfreeze" for the moment then refreeze.] Our old lady is our short-sided,
impatient, doddering, old fool--prone to violence and rash decision making.
[John waves.] Our biker backs her up every step of the way. [Jay shifts feet.]
Our gay guy takes it personal and makes it personal [Jack slaps his lap and
then mimes "so."] with velveteen touch of a dandy fop. And lastly, our Japanese
man [Paul bows] utters non-sensical advice which only our biker can translate
[David starts to rub his chest] and transcend. My program is designed to wrangle
these four. I’ll be at the Holiday Center Spot in Nashua, New Hampshire in Room
39 all weekend.
[Switch camera angle to back of audiences’ heads. Bob’s in the audience; he
gets up.]
Bob:
Hello, I’m Dr. Randy Terry, author of "The Five Voices." Inside each of us is
an old lady, a gay guy, a biker, and a Japanese man--all under the sway of the
fifth, dominant voice, the false doctor voice. This voice will be at the Holiday
Inn Spot in Nashua, New Hampshire in Room 39 all weekend. Do not visit him.
[David has moved over, behind Bob.]
David:
Oh. Hello. I see you’ve met voice four and a half--"Dr. Jealousy." This is the
voice that tries to undermine my system. Ignore it.
Bob:
Fuck you!
David:
Oh, brilliant retort, a-hole.
Bob:
Okay, now we’ll see who exists in whose mind. Biker, beat him up!
David:
Old lady, stop the biker and fight the false doctor!
[John gets Jay in a head lock.]
Bob:
Japanese man, get in there and Kung Fu him.
[Paul adds karate chops. Bob and David hold their heads as if in pains of concentration.
Jack joins in during the voice over and kind of dances and slaps his ass. Tom
stays frozen.]
Tom
V.O.: [some Batman "pow" graphics on the screen to match] Tonight! In your
head, it’s the ultimate cage match: Gay guy, old woman, biker, and Japanese
man, and not one but *two* doctors! Six voices fight until there’s only one
left! Only one left! Only one left! [repeats as the next scene starts.]
Donut
Shop
Megaphone
Madness
Greenlight
Gang
[Paul,
David (with sunglasses on), Jill, Tom, Bob, and Jay are movie executives, sitting
around a table. John’s the boss.]
John:
This is the biggest failure in movie history. "Coupon: The Movie" has made zero
money. You people are responsible. I wanna know what the hell happened.
Bob:
Look, the reports show that’s the most popular coupon in country; everyone uses
it.
Tom:
I don’t get it. People love the coupon, they should love the movie.
John:
Well, they don’t! And what I wanna know is, who green-lighted this picture?
[Silence. Tom’s watch beeps; he takes it off and tosses it in a glass of water.]
John:
[accusatory] Tom?
Tom:
Didn’t even glance at it.
Bob:
I thought I saw it on your desk.
Tom:
De-de-no, I uh didn’t *green-light* it. As I remember it, I found this thing
out. I was just shepherding it around. You know, David? Didn’t you nurse this
at your teat for a little while?
Paul:
[accusatory] David?
Jill:
[accusatory] David?
Paul:
David?
David:
Well, I seem to recall giving it the go-ahead.
Bob:
Huh?
David:
The green-light, not the movie. I gave a go-ahead to the green-light. I mean
this thing had a thumbs-up way before it got to me. Wasn’t even uh my thumb,
it was a woman’s thumb.
All,
but Jill: [accusatory] Jill? Jill?
Jill:
I vaguely recall giving it a thumbs-up, [innocently, playing with her hair]
but that’s not the same thing as a green-light, sir. Bob, you’ve been very quiet.
All,
including Bob: [accusatory] Bob? Bob?
Bob:
Oh. Uh, well, what we’ve got here is a classic Chinese telephone. [laughs] Nothin’
against the Chinese. Uh, but uh I gave this picture a very tentative gangs-away,
which is an old term from the 30’s that means "cut loose." Paul?
All,
but Paul: [accusatory] Paul?
Paul:
[nervously] No! I, sir, all I gave this was the old one, two, buckle my shoe,
three, four, shut the door, five, six the......sticks? Jay!
All,
but Jay: [accusatory] Jay? Jay?
Jay:
Uh, now people, sure. I mean uh, I may have err-err-err, slapped it up a bit
[demonstrates]. You know, [kisses the air] Huh? [pretends to rip it open and
stick his head inside and eat it.] Sure, I might have done that. Huh? ["squeaking"
John’s nose, pinching his cheeks, etc, while he makes noises] Hi-yah! Da da
da nuh nee nee nee, ha, oh!
John:
You’re right! You’re right. But, guys? I’m goin’ down here. And, I swear, if
I have to go from being super-rich to rich, I swear I’ll kill myself! And, I’m
not goin’ down alone!
Bob:
You act like you’re the only one here who has been hurt by this thing! [getting
all emotional] You know, I wanted to turn that movie into an amusement park
ride! ...So I could take my kids--Samantha and Joey and little, little Tyler.
. .on it, for fun. But now I don’t know if I even *want* kids!
Jill:
[upset] I was gonna turn it into a theme restaurant. What do I tell my maid?!
[All try to calm her.]
Tom:
[really upset] What about me?! I had planned for this thing to be a big blockbuster
so I could start a trendy heroin habit, but now that’s never gonna happen!
[All try to calm him.]
David:
[looking forward, his glasses are off and we see his eyes for the first time
in the skit. He’s got contacts in a la Michael Jackson in Thriller] No! Noo!!
[bangs fists on table] I’ll tell you who’s responsible, sir--the American public,
and I know you’re close with them. But, they manipulated us. They tricked us
into believing that this movie is what they wanted to see, pretending to like
that coupon.
Jay:
Let me at ‘em!!
[Bob calms him.]
David:
Where’s your golden public now, sir? I’ll tell you where. They’re all laughin’.
Laughin’ at you. Laughin’ at the biiig, fat asshole.
John:
Thank you. Thank you all. . .for opening my big, fat asshole eyes. Look, don’t
cry. Don’t cry, movie executives! It’s not your fault. The American public have
screwed the movie industry over for the last time! Oh, they’ll see this movie!
You bet they will.
Jay:
How are ya gonna make ‘em?
John:
We’ll sue the pants off of ‘em!
Bob:
And then we’ll sell ‘em pants!
All:
Yeah!! Yeah!
Coupon:
The Trial
[Everyone
in the last sketch plays the same parts--John and Jay on the stand and all do
at the end of this scene. In addition Bob is the judge, David is the prosecuting
attorney, and Paul is a member of the public. Mary-Lynn is also a member of
the public.]
[The scene is directed with individual shots of each speaker--close, scanning
shots on David’s face, eyes, mouth, etc--and fading into each successive shot.]
David
V.O.: "Coupon: The Movie" versus the people of the United States.
David:
Are you or are you not a member of the public? Answer the question.
[Fade in and out of a scene of Paul and his family listening into the case on
the radio.]
Tom
V.O.: All of America awaits their turn on the witness stand. Day 300, and
we’re only on the B’s.
John:
Your Honor! *We* were cheated. No one *saw* this movie. I bet you didn’t even
see it.
Bob:
Mr. Pastings, may I remind you that *I* am not on trial here, until next *week.*
David:
Did you see the movie or not?
Mary-Lynn:
I’m sorry! It was dark! I didn’t know!
David:
Objection, your honor. Did you use the coupon or not?
Bob:
You’re a liar!
Jay:
Ya-ta-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Ah, ooh ooh!
Bob:
Ahh, shut up.
David:
Do you own tube socks or not?
Paul:
It was a baby!! [cries]
Mary-Lynn:
I’m not sorry! [laughs maniacally]
[Her laughter continues as Bob bangs his gavel.]
Bob:
Broken gavel!
David:
[moving two hot box cars on a bulletin board of a drawn intersection] Meep meep,
ahh!! [makes crash sound] Oooh.
[Fade to and away from many people putting their hands on the Bible, being sworn
in.]
Bob:
You’re out of order? I’m out of order. This whole court is out of order.
David:
[during one of the scanning shot of his face] Ow, my eye.
[Fade to Mary-Lynn sobbing, Paul crying, and then Bob banging his gavel, hitting
his finger.]
Bob:
Ow!
[Fade to waving American flag, then to all those who played executives in the
last scene.]
Bob:
This court finds in favor of...the plaintiff!
[All the executives cheer and hug.]
Bob:
[bangs gavel] I sentence each and every person in the United States to one viewing
of "Coupon: The Movie." And may God have mercy...on your souls. Who wants to
go Friday?
Coupon:
The Movie
Credits
Testimonials
Jack:
We saw Coupon! It was a movie!
Mary-Lynn:
The woman totally used a coupon to buy some socks!
Jack:
Yeah! And it was a movie!
Voice-Over:
[logo is shown] "Coupon: The Movie," see it once and you’re free to go.
[Cut to Bob and David.]
Bob:
I got it over with!
David:
I saw the shit out of it!
Voice-Over:
[logo is shown] And coming soon to all amusement parks, "Coupon: The Movie:
The Ride." You’ll get wetter than you’ve ever been in you’re life.
[Cut to Bob and David...now wet.]
David:
Wow!
Bob:
I’m wetter than I’ve ever been and I’m from Canada!
Voice-Over:
[over logo] And, coming next summer, "Mr. Show: The Credits."
David:
They’re great! You totally know who did the show!
Bob:
The whole cast is in ‘em!
[Theme starts.]
[Cut
to Tom and Jill.]
Tom:
We met at the credits--
Jill:
--and now we’re married.
[They show off their wedding bands. Cut to John, Jay, Jack, and Paul.]
All:
Credits!!
[Cut to dolled-up Mary-Lynn.]
Mary-Lynn:
I totally believe in dragons now.
[Cut to Jill in a black frizzy wig and in a red and white print shirt.]
Jill:
Hi, my name is Kim and I’m from Cleveland!
[Cut to Paul, as the guy from the group.]
Paul:
Hi, did you see uh those guys I was with? They were like, they were like me;
we were all yellin’. The one guy, the one guy was like that [illustrating his
height].
[Cut to man.]
Maynard:
Now is not the time. [pushes the mic away, and walks off.]
[Cut to Jack, as the other guy from the group.]
Jack:
Did anybody see that guy that was um, went lookin’ for me, from before? He was
about my height, and uh, a little longer hair. And we were all like in a group.
. .a whole group of people? Cuz he’s my ride. . .and. . .has anybody--
[Paul walks on stage.]
Jack:
No way! Dude! I totally thought you were gone!
Paul:
No.
[They hug each other, rejoice, and jump around.]
Jack:
[over Dakota Films logo] I thought you totally bailed!
Credit
to Mr. Show, Dakota Films/North Entertainment Inc., and HBO
Transcribed by Trista
Lycosky
go
back to the listings
