Partial Season Three, Show One
Directions
[David
and Bob get into Bob’s car. David turns off "Thank you for the
ride" on the radio.]
David:
Thank you for the ride, man.
Bob:
No problem.
David:
I appreciate it. So, a lotta heavy stuff’s been happening.
Bob:
Uh-huh.
David:
I mean to me--a lotta heavy stuff’s been happening to me.
Bob:
Uh-huh.
David:
Yeah. I, uh, went to the doctor’s. Got my tests back. Got my
results.
Bob:
Yeah?
David:
[starting to get upset] Yeah, they think, uh, they think I have
some pretty serious, um, health problems and-- [is fine] Oh,
you’ve gotta take this right up here, buddy.
Bob:
By the rose bush?
David:
Yeah, just up there. Yeah, okay.
Bob:
So, uh, so what are you--are you sick or something?
David:
No, hard right buddy, come on!
Bob:
Oh, sorr-
David:
Yeah. [upset again] Oh, they think I have fuckin’ cancer!
Bob:
Oh, fuck. Goddamnit, I can’t believe it!
David:
Well, you know, hopefully it can be treated.
Bob:
No, no, it’s just my turn signal’s broken again. Yeah, I just
had that damn thing fixed. But, oh, no--"Fuck! Goddamnit, I
can’t believe it!"--about your cancer, too. Just sucks, you
know. Makes ya wonder what life’s all about, you know.
David:
I know.
Bob:
I mean, where are we headed?
David:
I know.
Bob:
Well! Where are headed?! Come on, I’m lost here, man!
[David points]
Bob:
All right! Sorry I jumped on you, I just...I’m under a lot of
pressure right now. My wife is all over my ass to bring home
this magazine I keep leaving at work. Now this turn signal thing!
That’s gonna be a whole electrical problem. And, uh, I just
found out my best friend has cancer.
David:
Oh, hey man, you know, hopefully we’ll get through this thing
together.
Bob:
It just sucks for the poor guy. Now you’ve got it, too, and...
So, uh, how long they give ya?
David:
[all upset] They said it could be as soon as a couple months.
Bob:
[happy] Hey, all right!
David:
What?
Bob:
We’re here!
David:
Hey! All right! Yay!
[truck horn]
David:
Oh my God!
[Both scream and continue to scream while they fasten their
seatbelts, lock their doors, brace their hands on the dashboard,
and cover their faces with their arms.]
[Tires screech, scene freezes, and windshield cracks.]
Tom:
[as voice-over] What did we learn from our friends Barton and
Burton here? One: never share sad information with the driver.
Two: When having an accident, try to avoid comical business,
rather press on the brake to stop the automobile. And three:
remember, driving is serious business.
Tom:
[on stage, with a different voice] That was "Driven to Destruction,"
a classic drivers-ed film.
Credit to Mr. Show, Dakota Films/North Entertainment Inc., and
HBO
Transcribed by Trista
Lycosky
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