Season
Three, Show Two
Introduction:
Viewer Hate Mail
[Last
Indian: "Hey everybody! It's Bob and David!" Both come out and
point to different people the crowd, waving: "A-hey hey hey!"
Then David does the same to Bob. Bob points at David, almost
as if he's looking through him; then he shakes his hand. After,
David looks at his hand like Bob transferred something sticky
to it.]
Bob:
Alright! Hey, welcome to Mr. Show everybody. We've got a great
one tonight; it's got a lot of heart and you're gonna love it.
David:
Love it? You're gonna *like* it!
Bob:
Alright, David, you know what time it is, right?
David:
That's right Bob. It's time for the Mr. Show [vibrating his
voice] "Viewer Hate Mail."
Bob:
That's right! Viewer hate mail. Get the ol' hate mailbag out.
[David gets a big mailbag that has "Mr. Show Viewer Hate Mail"
stenciled on it. He looks inside. Then he sticks his head in
it, as Bob speaks.]
Bob:
See what we got in there, David. Rock me out. Lay it on me.
Some...hate mail in there...? Huh? David? What'd we get? C'mon.
[David takes his head out and has a big, nervous grin on his
face.]
Bob:
We didn't get anything, did we? Fuck!! [Raises the back of his
hand, as if to slap David; David cowers.] Alright, you know
what this means. It's time for the Mr. Show "Cracker Barrel!"
[Transition: Banjo music plays as they run over to a Hee Haw-type
set. An African-American man and an Asian-American man are already
there, dressed in suspenders.]
Cracker
Barrel
[Bob
has an acoustic guitar.]
Bob:
Whoo!
David:
Ahh. Well, I see the Rainbow Gang's here. So Bob [elbowing the
black man] uh rumor has it Naomi Sue is uh takin' you to the
big ol' prom there.
Bob:
Oh ha ha. Enough of the joshin' guys. Let's talk serious-like
for a minute.
David:
Right. Bob, did you know that in the early 1800's it was legal
for white people to enslave African-Americans?
Bob:
Hmm.
David:
But then, Abraham Lincoln, a *white* man, set them free.
Bob:
Yeah. And David and I believe that it's never to late for us
to say to our African-American brothers and sisters--[strums
a chord]
Bob
and David: You're welcome.
[singing] Hey you're welcome.
Hey don't mention it.
Use that freedom in anyway you like
'Cuz you're not slaves no more
Don't have to behave no more
But we're sure if you do...
You're welcome to
yoobie doobie doobie doobie dooo. [song ends]
David:
You're welcome.
Bob:
Oh, I love that. [pause] Now uh David, David you had somethin'
stickin' in your craw.
David:
Yeah, you know Bob, I was out catchin' razzleberries with my
Granpapa and...you know it struck me kinda queer how this country
used to be owned by the Red man.
Bob:
That's right. We took it from him. But he didn't give it up
without a long, bloody fight.
David:
Mm-hmm. Don't you think it's time we colonists came down off
our high horse and said...
[Bob strums a chord.]
Bob
and David: We forgive you.
[singing ballad] Injuns. Redskins. Vanishin' Americans.
Call yourselves what you will
We forgive you and we'll give you...
Our smiles for miles and mi-hi-hiles.
[music shifts to angry tone] Blame it on fire water
When you *murdered* our daughters.
[shift back] Now we'll turn our heads
And pretend it never was true.
[music shifts to rain-dance beat] We forgive you. We forgive
you. We forgive you. [song ends]
David:
And how.
Bob:
Yes. [pause] Now David, I was over at the country store, down
by the creek [pronounced "crick"], and hey, aren't midgets great?
David:
I don't hate 'em.
Bob:
Sure they're--
Bob
and David: [singing upbeat] Better than people
Because you're so slight.
We're not so great
Because we're of normal height.
We wish we were like you
So crazily smaaall,
Instead of what we are, so
wo-on-on...derfully tall.
Wonderfully tall. [song ends]
David:
Oh thank you.
Bob:
Thank you very much.
David:
Thank you.
Bob:
Thank you all. All right. Hey man, that oughta do it.
David:
Yeah!
[Leave the studio.]
Bob
and David Go to the Mailbox
[Bob
and David come out from a house to go to their mailbox. There's
a sign that says, "Taping in progress. Please remove shoes."]
Bob:
David, we're gonna get so much hate mail!
David:
Really? You think so?
Bob:
Oh yeah! Those songs will insult everyone! We're gonna be swimmin'
in hate, man!
David:
Hey, got one!
Bob:
[opens and reads] "Dear Mr. Show-- I really love you guys. Oh
boy, you're really funny and I especially love your songs."
I can't believe this!
[Bob continues to read as David's next character's voice doubles
the words.]
Bob
and David: "It reflects such an enlightened attitude."
David:
[read sarcastically] Please keep up the good work. Signed you're
huggest fan, Sharwood Lish. X-O-X-O-X-O. Smiley face!! There,
that ought to show them.
Sarcasmo
Cast:
- David-
Sharwood Lish
- John-
Delivery man
- Jill-
ex-girlfriend
[David
finished his letter and the doorbell buzzes.]
David:
Huh! What?!
John:
Mr. Lish, uh some more boxes of that cereal you like.
David:
Why I *hate* that cereal! I wrote them an angry letter and said,
"there's *nothing* I'd love more than *tons* of your cereal."
[pause] Tff! [takes the package and slams the door.]
[Doorbell buzzes again almost immediately. He answers it. It's
now pouring outside.]
Jill:
[rain soaked and hysterical] Oh Sharwood! I got your letter!
I can't live without you either! You're right, we are perfect
for each other! And, I hope you never die in a horrible car
wreak either.
David:
Learn how to read! [slams door]
Marriage-Con
Cast:
- Tom-
Voice-Over announcer
- David-
Dr. Ayatollah Khoella
- Jill-
Dr. Lana (and ex-girlfriend at the beginning)
- John-
attendee of !Nu Ugtanni's seminar
John2- Carl, at the BioSphere
- Man-
Dr. !Nu Ugtanni
[Jill
is crying. A commercial's voice-over addresses her.]
Tom
V.O.: Ladies, has this happen too often to you?
[Jill nods.]
Tom
V.O.: Then come to the Tri-State Globo-Dome for "Marriage-Con
and Boat Show '97!" [The screen now cuts back and forth to different
accompanying scenes.] Ladies you can't lose. Over two miles
of boats and you *will* be married or your money back--featuring
Dr. Ayatollah Khoella, author of "The Rules."
David:
'Dis woman will find a mate. 'Dis woman will be dead by sundown...if
you follow The Rrrrules!
Tom
V.O.: --syndicated radio host Dr. Lana.
Jill:
[addressing a group of women, one who is standing] Men 'r stupid.
Women 'r stupider. Okay? But we *have* to get married. I did
it, now it's your turn. Get in line. Get in line you dumb bitch!
Tom
V.O.: See Rudd Myers' new water-resistant starfish and get
wet in our [reverb] wild water tank! [The water tank is a small
pool. Two people splash a little water on each other.] Meet
Kalahari Bushman marriage arranger, Dr. !Nu Ugtanni.
Man:
[speaks something in an African dialect.]
John:
So I should marry *her*??
Man:
[says something else]
John:
So I should marry *her.*
Man:
[something else short]
Tom
V.O.: So come see the new Floatman 3000 [a small inflatable
boat] *and* meet Dr. Ayatollah Khoella. It's all happening this
weekend at the Tri-State Globo-Dome. You have no excuse for
not being married *or* owning a boat. The Tri-State Globo-Dome,
located on Route 83 in the middle of the Dome Mile--over a mile
of Domes; right between the Epidome, the Sphere-o-sphere, and
Patty's Donuts, and right behind right behind the BioSphere.
And remember, don't bother the scientists at the biosphere.
John2:
Please, I urge you and your family to leave us alone. The scientists
here are very busy.
Biosphere
Cast:
- David-
Lyle (in a wig that has to be seen to be believed)
- Bob-
Dr. Barlow
- John-
Carl
- Jill-
Dr. Shaddock
- Karen-
Dr. Hublee
- Brian-
Dr. Kaplan
- Brett-
Dr. Ballance
- Laura-
Lyle's Step-Fairy Godmother
Bob:
[off screen] Carl! Come join us.
[John does. Everyone is around a lab table.]
Bob:
Hey everybody. I want to propose a toast to our first New Year's
here in the BioSphere.
All:
Cheers!
Bob:
And remember everyone, we're gonna meet at the top of the Observarium
in Sector 3 tonight for a party at midnight!
All:
Yeah!
Bob:
That means leave your work at your stations. Carl? You leave
you soil here in the dirt. Lyle? Tonight we're the animals;
you study us. [they all laugh] Dr. Shaddock, do me a favor and
uh and don't big your pants, I mean plants. [they all laugh
again]
David:
How 'bout the women don't wear any pants?!
[silence. They all leave, muttering things like "can you believe
him?"]
David:
Dr. Hublee? C-can I talk to you for a second?
Karen:
Sure. What is it?
David:
S-so how's it goin'? [no response] S-so it's New Year's.
Karen:
Yeah?
David:
So, I was wondering if you don't already have other pants, ha
ha, I mean plans...remember from before?
[Karen nods.]
David:
So, I was wondering if you'd wanna uh report as my date for
New Year's.
Karen:
Oh no. Thanks, though; but no.
David:
Oh, you're not goin'? That's too bad cuz you know we're all
gonna be having fun partying and and every--
Karen:
--No. No, I'm I'm gonna go with Dr. Kaplan, in soil samples.
He's that guy with that--
David:
Yeah, I know. I know who he is, ya.
Karen:
Yeah, well...him. [leaves]
David:
Okay! Whatever.
[cartoon bird whistling]
David:
Oh, hey Mr. Peeps.
[Bird whistles.]
David:
Oh, she doesn't get me.
[Bird whistles.]
David:
Really?
[Bird whistles.]
David:
I wish I was like you; you're so smooth.
[Bird whistles.]
David:
O-oh yeah! That's a great idea! I guess that why you're "The
Bird."
[Bird whistles.]
David:
[over intercom] Dr. Shaddock, please report to the laboratory.
[Bird whistles]
David:
[over intercom] Code Red.
[Jill enters.]
Jill:
What? What is it?
David:
You look *awesome*.
Jill:
What did you want?
David:
Uhh. I was just wondering if, you know, that, if you'd want
to go up to the canyon with me for-for New Year's Eve tonight.
Jill:
No, I promised Dr. Barlow I would sleep with him tonight.
David:
Well, what if you slept with me after?
Jill:
No. [leaves, points to intercom] This is not a toy.
[Bird whistles]
David:
Oh, Mr. Peeps, it didn't work.
[Cartoon squirrel jumps to the same tree branch the bird is
on. Squirrel chattering.]
David:
Oh, hey Chippers.
[Squirrel chattering.]
David:
What? Yeah, well, that's easy for you to say, you're a squirrel.
[Squirrel chattering]
David:
You're right; you're right--that's-that's a great idea.
[Squirrel chattering]
David:
Yes. Okay. [over intercom] Uh, Dr. Dr. Ballance, please report
to the laboratory [muttering] it's me [muttering].
Brett:
Yes doctor?
David:
Laura, hi, um, I know we've had our moments where we haven't
exactly gotten along and--
Brett:
Doctor, you make me very uncomfortable.
David:
Okay.
Brett:
What is it, doctor? I have to get ready for my New Year's Eve
date.
David:
With who?! Carl's gay, there's no one left.
Brett:
I'm getting together with Dr. Barlow tonight.
David:
Oh really, well, I'm sorry, I-I've got bad news and I uh hate
to break it to you, but um, you know he's sleeping with Dr.
Shaddock so--
Brett:
I know. I'm joining them later for a threesome thing.
David:
But what about me??
Brett:
It's a threesome. [leaves]
[Bull mooing.]
David:
Oh, hey Timothy.
[The camera pans to reveal the cartoon bull is squeezed up on
the same tree branch. Bull moos.]
David:
It's no use. What??
[Bull moos.]
David:
Carl? No, he's gay.
[Bull moos.]
David:
I'm not gay.
[Bull moos.]
David:
I'm not!
[All the animals make noise.]
David:
I'm just shy. [music starts, David sings]
Oh, the birds have other birds
And the bees have other bees [bee lands on his nose and he goes
cross-eyed to see it]
But I don't have another one of me. [the birds drop a banner
that reads "King Loser."]
[song interrupted.]
Laura:
Heads up! [She drops down from above]
David:
Oh!
Laura:
Hello, Lyle!
David:
Wow, my fairy godmother!
Laura:
[cheery] No, I'm your step-fairy godmother; your *real* fairy
godmother is in a coma.
David:
Oh. But-but you've come to make sweet, sweet love to me?
Laura:
[laughs] No. I'm here to help you. Your wish is granted. You
shant be alone tonight! [rises back up] Watch your backs!
[A bunch of horny cartoon animals come up to David. One deer
rubs against David, an elephant has little hearts appearing
from his head, etc.]
David:
Whoa. Wh-whoa! This is sooo wrong! But yet *so* right!
Humanimal Photo Link
Bob V.O.: In celebration of the BioSphere experiment
which has yielded one new species [a still of the team, David
is holding a baby which is a cross between him, a tiger, and
a bird], we present our new flavor of Benjamin, Gerard, and
Associates Ice Cream--HumAnimal Cracker Crunch.
Ice
Cream Flavors
David:
I'm Howard Benjamin.
Bob:
And I'm Frank Gerard III. We started our ice cream company with
a simple theory--there's money to be made in ice cream.
David:
Like this new flavor: Rock 'N Roll Double Chunk. [Holds up a
tub] It's got chocolate in it, and we think if people like rock
'n roll music they'll like this cuz it says "Rock 'N Roll" on
it.
Bob:
It's available at all of our office themed ice cream parlors--sit
at a desk and enjoy some ice cream.
David:
Don't answer the phones. The phones are real.
Bob:
And in celebration of the last living American Indian, we're
offering this new flavor--Last Indian Doodle Snicker.
Last Indian Doodlesnicker Carton Link
The photo of the Indian on the tub fades into the next scene.
The
Last Indian
Tom
V.O.: He sits stoically. The sole descendant of a race that
once numbered in the millions. He is Chief Ben Proudfeather,
part Lacquahana, part Cherokoui and all last Indian. Born in
1895, [picture of baby, his grown face is then super imposed
over its] he is now 103 years of age. His eyesight is failing;
his body is weak. His people once collectively shared over 800
million acres in North America. [Maps accompany speech. Each
"deal" shows a smaller version of the US within the US.] After
the Great Deal of 1789, the Indians were freed of a significant
portion of land. The Bargain of the Century of 1846 gave way
to the Less is More Charter, which proceeded the Doozy Act of
1902. [Illustrated with magnifying glass--] Now 60 acres is
all that remains and they sit in the frail hands of an old man.
[Cut to land] Government agents have kept watch over Ben for
the past several years, some would say like vultures.
David:
No. We hear that all the time. No, we're not...waiting for a
man to die; we're hear to watch a man live.
Tom:
An old man.
David:
An old Indian man.
[The Last Indian walks in the background and stops to cough.
David and Tom look his way, but the Indian stops coughing immediately,
and walks on.]
Tom
V.O.: Ben has taken it upon himself to write down his memories--all
that he can recall of a rich and storied life.
[Cut to Bob in a library/academic setting, holding a book.]
Bob:
This is uh from volume one of his memoirs, chapter two. [clears
throat] "There was something about snakes. The Indians danced.
I seem to recall a man in an hat. I think that movie was called
'Billy Jack.'"
[Cut back.]
Tom
V.O.: Chief Proudfeather lived a solitary life. He now feels
a sense of moral obligation in continuing his genealogy. [Reading
a want ad, various words from it flash on the screen as its
read.] "Single, straight, last Native American Indian seeks
any female for fun and procreation as soon as possible. Enjoys
food, slow short walks, aging, wolves, peyote. Hate cowboys.
Eyesight poor; please send large picture. No fatties." For years,
Ben oversaw the reservation's lucrative casino; and today, oversees
what's left. [He's playing cards with a family outside, using
a cardboard box as the table.] Tourists stop by, if it's on
their way. Chief Ben Proudfeather--he'll be dead soon and that'll
be that. Because that's death. It's the end. Believe me man
I know, I've been there.
Vietnam Helicopter Link
[Stock
shots of Vietnam.]
Tom
V.O.: ...Vietnam, 1967. I spent two months on my belly in
Kragatoe(?) Valley, eatin' dirt and shittin' freedom. Huh, that
Indian ain't got nothin' on me. I fuckin' saw God, Jack! And,
I laughed in his fuckin' face!
Army
Scene
[Bob
and David are soldiers in the jungle.]
Bob:
Okay man. Three more clips to go, we hit the river, we're home
free.
David:
[quietly] Alright. Be careful man, looks like sniper country
down there.
Bob:
Yeah.
David:
Ready?
Bob:
Let's do it! Ahh!! [Charges, exposing himself to gunfire. He
gets shot in the stomach and falls to the ground.] Oh!!
David:
Shit!
Bob:
He got me man.
David:
I'm not gonna leave you here, Joe.
Bob:
I know that! I didn't think you were!
David:
I'm not gonna let you die here, man.
Bob:
No shit! What do you want? A fuckin' medal?
David:
I'm just saying, you can count on me, Joe.
Bob:
What are you getting at?! You are gonna leave me, aren't you?!
David:
Shh. Keep you voice down; they'll hear us.
Bob:
Okay, I don't wanna get shot in the gut! [gestures to where
the bullet came from] Okay man, go on. Don't forget to write
to me care of Vietnamese grave!
David:
I'm not leavin' you, Goddamnit!
Bob:
Yeah, right.
David:
I'm not.
Bob:
Let's just agree to disagree.
David:
Jesus.
Bob:
Oh, fuck it. I'll do this on my own.
[Bob tries to lift himself up, bracing himself with his gun.
Each movement results in a cry of, "ow!" and with David trying
to "shh Joe." him. David finally forces him back down.]
David:
Alright alright. Okay, stay here and wait.
Bob:
Don't lead me on, man. I know this about those Goddamn peaches.
David:
What peaches?!
Bob:
I'm sorry I hogged the whole can!
David:
Joe, I forgot about those peaches, man.
Bob:
It's just that you said you were allergic to the syrup or somethin',
I can't remember.
David:
Listen, it's not important. I'm gonna go out there and scout
around, okay?
Bob:
Okay. Hey--by scoutin' around does it mean you're gonna leave
and never come back? Or are you gonna look around first and
*then* leave and never come back?!
David:
No, don't worry, I'll be careful!
Bob:
Whoa!! What do you mean, *you'll* be careful?!
David:
I just mean, you know, I'll be more careful than...you know,
you were.
Bob:
Are you done?!
David:
Yeah. What?
Bob:
I'm just tryin' to find the word...oh yeah, fuck you!!
David:
Fuck me?! Fuck you! You know, you're a Goddamn baby. You know,
good bye! [sarcastic] And stay right here, I'll be *right* back!
[Charges. Gets shot in the gut. Falls to the ground in agony.]
Oh shit!! Oh!!
Bob:
[crawls over to him, again each move followed by "ahs!" and
"ows!" When he gets to David the "ows" turn in to "ha ha ha"
as he points at him, mocking him.]
David:
You are a dying asshole! There's no way I'm gonna stay and die
next to you.
Bob:
Neither am I.
David:
Neither am I.
[Both crawl, screaming. The camera cuts back and forth on close-ups
of each, then freezes on Bob, as the caption, "'Hell in a Handbasket'
Dakota Films," is displayed.]
[No transition, other than Night Talk promo begins by talking
about "Hell in a Handbasket."]
Night
Talk with the Senate Sub-Committee
Cast-
- Bob-
Senator Tankerbell
- David-
Senator Clabbard
David2- Blueberry Head
- John
and Paul also senators seated at the dais.
- Jay-
Michael, the band leader (who is dress in a animal print suit)
- Jon
Stewart- the director
- ?-
Voice-Over
David:
That is a clip from "Hell in a Handbasket," uh, opening on,
uh, [looks at notes] December 15th all across this great country.
Is uh, is that correct, Mr. Stewart?
Jon:
Uh yes. Uh, I felt it was time again for a Vietnam message.
And, uh, I always wanted to work with Todd Sperles ever since
I saw him in "Tap Daddy," uh on Broadway.
[Talk show band type music begins, during the "promo" the camera
shots are fast zooms, crooked, etc.]
Voice-Over:
Tonight, on Night Talk with the Senate Subcommittee...it's actor
/ writer, Jon Stewart! [Shot of Jon, looks ill at ease] A surprise
visit from hot, college comic...Blueberry Head!
[Music stops for a clip]
Bob:
Now, uh, Mr. Blueberry Head, uh, I'm lead to believe that you
have a uh, prop, that you wanna show us?
David2:
[maniacal] Heh ha ha ha ha ha! [holds up a toilet seat that
has a passenger side car mirror attached.] This is for when
y'all wanna pass gas!! Ha ha ha ha!
Bob:
Uh-huh. Thank you.
[Music/wild camera shots start up again.]
Voice-Over:
...And Senator Howel Tankerbell gives it to the band.
Bob:
Michael. Michael, are you havin' a good day?
Jay:
Oh boy, here it comes. Uh, yes sir, Senator.
Bob:
Well, Michael, it occurs to me that uh, your jacket leads me
to believe that uh, somewhere in this great country of ours
there's an El Camino with it's seat cover missing.
[Laugh track.]
Voice-Over:
And another visit from the Senate Sub-Babies.
[Cut to all the senators dress with a baby bonnet and bib, holding
giant baby bottles, and going "wa!"]
Voice-Over:
Catch the hijinks on Night Talk!
[No transition, just begins by coming back from commercial.]
All
Star Salute to the Last Indian
Cast:
- David-
Voice-Over and member of Les Balloons Sportifs
- Bob-
other member of Les Balloons Sportifs
- Jill-
Liza Phleen
- Paul-
Phil Jenglin
- Man
(Billy Daydodge?)- last Indian
David
V.O.: We now return to the Tri-State Globo-Dome for an All-Star
Salute to the Last Indian. Once again, here's your hosts, from
TV's "Entertainment Junction": Liza Phleen and Phil Jenglin.
Paul:
Oh, ha ha ha. Liza, what a night we have had so far! Simply
everyone is stopping in to say good-bye to the last Indian.
Jill:
Mm-hmm.
Paul:
Blueberry Head was just out here, left a mess.
[Both laugh.]
Jill:
Don Rickles, Tanya Tucker...
Paul:
Gregory Hines, the Rap group-- "The Fuck Ups."
Jill:
The Ozark Mountain Daredevils, the Chinese Acrobats...
Paul:
It has just been one wonderful night for the one wonderful Indian.
Jill:
Yeah. How you doin' there chief? You holdin' up?
[The Last Indian just sits silently.]
Paul:
I think he's tryin' to figure out some of those props Blueberry
Head had out here.
[Both laugh.]
Jill:
College favorite! Before we get to the University of Kentucky
Wildcat Cheerleaders. Last Indian? You're gonna love this next
act, they're from the United States--
Jill
and Paul: Les Balloons Sportifs!
[Loud industrial music begins. Bob and David enter wearing black
leotards, waving big red balloons. They go up to the Last Indian
and scream "ahh!!," as the Indian stares straight ahead. The
music changes to pizzicato strings playing happy carnival-esque
music. Bob and David chase red balloons that fall, hit them
back into the air, and chase after others. The act continues
over the credits and a spacy version of the theme.]
[Fade to after the show.]
Last
Indian End
[The
Last Indian sits on the empty stage, holding a drink in a paper
cup. Jay is the janitor, behind him, sweeping up.]
Last
Indian V.O.: What a wonderful night this has been for me
and my people. Blueberry Head's props were as funny as bear
cubs slipping in stream. Don Rickles' barbs stung like thorns
on blackberry bush, but its fruit was sweet upon my lips. Burt
Reynolds still looks good. Happy Birthday to Erik Estrada. Lookin'
good, Ponch. My early Oscar pick this year: Hell in a Handbasket.
Kudos for Chef Jeremy at La Strada for his amazing desserts.
Was that John Travolta with Nina Ricci as the Staccato Club?
Me think so. Ciao for now darlings! [crumples the cup in his
hand and drops it to the floor.]
[Shot of the cup and pan up to Jay, who has a single tear running
down his cheek.]
Credit to Mr. Show, Dakota Films/North Entertainment Inc., and
HBO
Transcribed by Trista
Lycosky
go
back to the listings
