Partial Season Three, Show Three

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Opening: Very Special Episode

[David is dressed like Bob, a suit, and Bob like David, flannel, shorts, and glasses. They are also on the other’s side of the stage.]

David: Hello.

Bob: Hi, Bob and David here. The episode of Mr. Show you’re about to see is...somewhat special.

David: Well, I’d say it’s very special.

Bob: Alright.

David: I mean, it was named The Best Very Special Episode at "The Very Special Episode Awards."

Bob: The VSAs.

David: The Species. . .I mean that’s what they call ‘em.

Bob: ‘K. So watch it with somebody that you care about. And then tell the ratings people that there was somebody else in the room watching it with you. Thank you.

David: And good luck. . .to us.

[pause]

Bob: Okay?

David: Good.

Director V.O.: Okay, movin’ on.

[Bob hands over David’s glasses and the theme starts.]

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Introduction: David Reveals He's Bald

[Chicken: Cock-a-doodle-doo, it’s Bob and David!]

[Bob and David come out--David with a wig on that looks like his real hair and Bob with a silver bow on his shirt.]

David: Hi.

Bob: Hi Everyone.

David: Hello Everyone.

Bob: Welcome to Mr. Show. Tonight is a very, very special episode. David is gonna do something brave and we all support him. Everyone come out here.

[Jill, Brian, and Paul come out.]

Bob: That’s-that’s why you see we’re all wearing these brave choice feel good ribbons. Now David, it’s yours.

David: Thanks Bob. [steps forward] Hi, I’m David Cross.

Bob: [steps into the picture] Now get ready for the highest rated minute of Mr. Show ever! Let’s milk this mother!

David: Bob, that’s--that’s not why I’m doin’ it.

Bob: I know. Just...

David: Hi, I’m David Cross. I play the beloved character of David Cross on tv’s Mr. Show. As you all know, the character I play is bald. And, I’m very proud to play this character because we write him as a real bald guy...not--not a bald stereotype.

Bob: [steps back into the picture] He doesn’t speak in bald voice, or live in the bald part of town, or hang out in bald bars.

David: I love the little fella and uh, sometimes you know, I don’t know whether I’m playing David Cross or if David Cross is playing me. But, you know, I--right now I have something I want to say. I, David Cross--me, not the character [pause] am bald. [He takes off the wig.]

[Everyone applauds.]

Paul: David, I’m all right with this.

[Paul puts out his hand to shake David’s, and David hangs the wig on it.]

Jill: David? I accept you...but I don’t accept the choice that you’ve made.

David: It’s not a choice, Jill. God made me this way.

Jill: Then I reject God.

Brian: I’m really proud of you buddy. My dad was bald in World War II--he died wearing a wig.

Bob: Okay, are you done? Let’s go check the ratings man. Let’s go!

David: Let’s go to the ratings man!

[Bob and David exit the stage.]

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Ratings Man Song

Cast:

• David- himself
• Bob- himself
• John- Santa
• Jay- bad guy

[A matchbox bus labeled "Mr. Show" travels around a map of North America. From Carson City, to the Grand Canyon, to Mount Rushmore. To Saskatchewan, to the World’s Largest Indoor Ladder, (passing by Saskquatch and Saskatchetoon) to Saskatchertario, to a crashing stop at the North Pole.]

Singers V.O.: It’s a very old, very old, jolly day.
And the Ratings Man we shall see.
With a ho ho ho and a tee hee hee
He watches us watch TV.
With a swee swee swoo and a flee flee flow
For the ratings we will go.

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Santa's Workshop

[The enter Santa’s workshop.]

Bob and David: Hey!

John: Bob and David! How good to see you!

[John lifts David way up, and David squeals.]

John: My! How you’ve grown! Ho ho ho! Come boys, sit on my lap.

[They do.]

Bob: Hey Ratings Man, show us the ratings!

[Bob has a huge candy cane that he licks throughout the whole scene.]

John: Well, your ratings are up this year, boys, because you’ve been very good!

Bob and David: Yay!

David: Hey, how can you be Santa *and* the Ratings Man?

John: Well David, when I’m checking to see who’s naughty and nice I’m *also* checking to see what people are watching on TV. You see, the Santa job pays shit. So, the ratings job covers my overhead.

Bob: So why don’t you just quit the Santa thing?

John: Oh! Ho ho ho! [he laughs so hard that he bounces Bob and David.] I love the Santa job! Oh, ho ho ho! [pulls them in close] Listen closely, there’s a guy in the closet with a gun trained at my head. If he thinks anything is wrong, he’ll kill me.

David: What are you talking about?!

John: [loudly] Oh! You’re a good boy! Oh, ho ho ho! [to them only] I am not screwing around here. This guy has forced me to play Santa for over 500 years. You’ve got to help me.

David: Okay.

Bob: [innocently] Okay, Ratings Man.

John: Oh, ho ho ho!

David: We’re leaving now, Ratings Man.

Bob: We’re leaving.

John: Okay boys.

Bob: Bye-bye.

[Bob opens and closes the door, but he and David duck behind a table in the back. Jay, thinking the coast is clear, comes out of the closet.]

Jay: Ya done good there, pops. Smart, real smart. Now you just keep bein’ Santa, see. And never die, see, or you’ll get it! [laughs]

[Bob and David through a net over Jay.]

Bob and David: Run! Run!

John: I’m free! I’m finally free! Thank you, boys! Thank you! I’m free!

David: We did it!

Bob: Yeah!

Jay: You idiots! Have you any idea what you’ve done?

[They sulk.]

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Tatiana

[David is Tatiana, the weather hermaphrodite.]

David: [voiced-over drawings of a snowed-in home, a map, etc.] Santa had been freed, and so there was no Christmas. It twas a terrible, terrible winter. The winter snows came an buried the Northeast. [drawings fade to David in front of a map. He’s wearing a long wig, a dress, and fake nails] If you look at our Action Weather Radar, you can see there’s quite a storm coming from over here. I’m Tatiana, the Weather Hermaphrodite.

[Cut to the "commerical."]

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Cock Ring Warehouse

Bob: [voiced-over scenes of workers in a warehouse, etc. in a monotoned manner] Mother Nature is full of surprises. This year the winter storms have left us overstocked and up to our necks in cock rings. At Cock Ring Warehouse, we’ve got the largest selection of new and used cock rings in the tri-state area. Over three miles of cock rings: stainless steel, bronze, leather, mahogony, sandalwood, and even stained glass. And all the latest styles, including the dillenger [sound: shots], the pheasant underglass [sound: ice cubes hitting a glass], the brat [sound: slap and a cry], and ol’ ironsides [sound: low boat whistle]. Follow this little guy--

[Man in a rooster suit waves.]

Rooster: Any-cock-will-do!

Bob V.O.: --To Route 59, just south of Santa’s village for cock rings, cock rings, cock rings. This season remember the poor. Dust off your old cock rings and Cock Ring Warehouse will pass them on to needy families at no cost.

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[Transition: Just fade to Rooster in the hallway, at Bob's apartment door.]

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Marriage Announcement

• Bob- Pete
• David- Choppy
• Jay- Slim
• John- nameless friend
• Paul- nameless friend

[Bob drops his old cock rings into the Rooster’s bag. John and Paul are already in the apartment.]

Bob: That was the uh cock ring guy.

John: Oh, ha ha. Any-cock-will-dooo!

[All laugh.]

Bob: I love that.

Paul: So Pete, what’s up, man?

John: Hey yeah, what’s the big news?

Bob: Oh, I’ll get to it.

[Knocking on the door. Jay and David are there.]

Bob: Slim!

Jay: Hey!

Bob: Alright. Choppy, what’s goin’ on?

[Mingling.]

Bob: Well, that’s everybody.

David: So, what’s up, Pete? What’s the big news?

John: Yeah.

Jay: Yeah, we goin’ bowling or what?

David and John: [smiling] Rematch!

Bob: No, we are not going bowling. You guys, sit down, sit down.

[They do.]

Bob: Now the reason uh that I called you guys here is cuz you guys [high fives each one] are my best buds in the world and I wanted you guys to be the first to know: Kate and I are getting married.

[Silence.]

John: No fucking way.

Paul: Get out of here.

Jay: Are you serious?

Bob: Yes. Yes.

Paul: Really?

Bob: Sure.

[They rush Bob and start beating him.]

David: Stop it. Stop it. [out of breath] Guys-- What-- Fu--

[Stepping back, Bob is left on the floor with a bloody lip.]

Paul: Whoa. What was that about?

David: I--I couldn’t stop myself.

John: Neither could I.

Bob: You guys just beat the shit out of me!

David: Yeah.

John: We know.

Bob: What was that about?!

Jay: Good question.

Bob: All I said was that Kate and I are getting married.

[They go after him again.]

John: Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Jay: It happened again.

Paul: What is with us?

John: Super weird!

David: Man, did you see me? I was getting full on Jackie Chan and shit! [does karate chop and kick]

Bob: Ah! Ah!

John: Don’t worry, he’s all right. Hey buddy, you all right?

Bob: Fuck you!

[This time Bob’s mouth is all bloody.]

David: Hey, you’re okay, and that’s the important thing.

Bob: I’m *not* okay. What is this the fuckin’ marriage? I mean--

[All go after him again.]

Jay: Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! I lost my contact lens!

John: Okay, okay look, nobody move. We’ll find it.

Jay: Thanks. I’m so fucked without it, man.

Paul: We’re gonna find it, buddy, don’t worry.

Bob: [out of it] I lost a tooth.

Jay: Found it!

[David, John, and Paul cheer.]

John: Oh man. That was close!

Jay: Yeah!

Bob: Alright, that’s it. You guys, leave. Leave.

David: Hey, say it again.

Bob: What?

David: Tell us you’re gettin’ married again.

Bob: No!

David: Oh, c’mon, give us another chance. I wanna see if we react the same way.

Paul: Yeah.

John: Me too.

Jay: I bet we do.

Bob: No!

John: Oh come on! We’re all friends. I mean, that was just some fluke thing before.

Paul: Besides it’s not a surprise anymore. We know you’re gettin’ married.

John: Exactly. Watch, all right, I’ll say it this time, all right? "Hey guys, Kate and I are getting married."

[Nothing happens. After a second the guys playfully hit John, barely touching him.]

John: You see, buddy? Come on. Give us another chance.

Bob: [still pretty much out of it] ‘K. Um. [pause] Kate and I are getting married.

[Bob's scared. The immediate reaction is to go after him, they manage to hold each other back.]

Jay: Let me at him!

[The moment passes.]

Jay: I’m okay.

Paul: I’m alright.

David: I’m cool. Cool.

John: That was hard, but we did a good job, guys.

David: Yeah, we really did something there. We should be proud of ourselves.

Jay: Champagne!

[The guys all "yeah!" while Bob kinda follows them.]

David: Hey a toast, huh?

John: To good friends.

Paul: Here here!

John: Oh wait. Hey buddy, you uh wanna say anything, or...?

Bob: Kate and I are getting married.

Rest: What?!

[The police burst in. Brian is one of the cops, don’t know the name of the other guy. Bob is also now the camera man, Terry Twillsteen.]

Man: We got a call on a domestic disturbance, what’s goin’ on?

John: Officer, it’s cool, man.

Bob: [as Pete] These guys beat the shit out of me.

John: No, everything’s cool.

[All talk over each other.]

Bob: [as Terry, with British accent] Do me a favor, take a swing at the copper, will you? I wanna get things all loosey-goosey in here.

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Credit to Mr. Show, Dakota Films/North Entertainment Inc., and HBO
Transcribed by Trista Lycosky

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