Partial
Season Three, Show Four
Lie
Detector
Cast:
- David-
Todd
- Paul-
Paul
- Bob-
applicant
- Brian
and Jay- unnamed employees
[In
a back/non-formal office setting. The lie-detector is on the
desk, Bob is seated, and Paul hooks him up to it.]
David:
All right, it’s real simple. Uh Paul, here, will ask you a yes
or no question and if you lie a buzzer will sound and a light
will go off.
Paul:
Let’s show him.
David:
Oh no, that’s all right.
Paul:
Todd, come on, we’ll test it.
David:
All right.
[David takes the stickey-pad off Bob and puts it on his forehead.]
David:
What?
Paul:
‘K, let’s think of a good one. Um, have you ever dreamed of
kissing your brother?
[Jay give a grin to Brian, and David hesitates.]
David:
No. [buzz] All right, fine. [rips the sticky-pad off.]
[Brian, Jay, and Paul are laughing.]
David:
It’s called a dream.
Paul:
Okay, all right, fun’s over. Let’s get to work here. Okay. [Puts
pad on Bob] Relax. Have you ever drank alcohol to excess?
[David now sits and watches the machine, making notes.]
Bob:
Yes.
Paul:
Have you ever taken an illegal drug? [Bob hesitates.] It’s okay,
just tell the truth. That’s the important thing.
Bob:
Yes.
Paul:
Okay. Marijuana?
Bob:
Yes.
Paul:
Cocaine?
Bob:
Yes.
Paul:
Heroin?
Bob:
Yes.
David:
You did heroin?
Bob:
Yes.
Jay:
[Gets up] Well, what about angel dust?
Bob:
Yes!
Jay:
Jeez.
Brian:
What about crack? Did you ever-- [pretends to smoke]
Bob:
Yeah.
Brian:
--smoke some crack?
Bob:
Yes.
Brian:
Dude! You're out there! [laughs]
Jay:
Hey, w-what was it like?
Paul:
You don’t have to answer that.
David:
[whines] Paul.
Paul:
Unless you want to. I mean feel free if you--
Bob:
It was great. It’s crack. It gets you real high.
[They all laugh. Jay high-fives Brian and then sits back down.]
Paul:
Okay, all right, let’s get back to work here. Um, have you ever
stolen from an employer?
Bob:
[more at ease now] Yes.
Paul:
And where were you employed?
Bob:
NASA.
[All laugh.]
David:
Yeah, what’d you steal? A rocketship?
Bob:
No, just some pens...and some plans.
[Everyone looks over at him.]
Paul:
Plans?
Bob:
Space plans.
All:
Ooh.
Paul:
Hey hey. Have you ever killed a man?
David:
Boring.
Paul:
You wanna let me finish? With your mind?
Bob:
Yes.
Paul:
Is this thing even on? C’mon!
David:
God, yeah?
Brian:
Yeah, remember? He kissed his brother. [laughs]
David:
Hey! That was a dream! I dreamed it! You can dream something
and it’s not real. It’s just all up here.
Paul:
Shut up! Give me that!
[rips the pad off Bob, who cringes, and puts it on his own forehead.]
Paul:
Okay. All right. "I am a control freak because I was molested
by my parents."
David:
Nothin' happened.
Paul:
[Takes of his glasses] O-o-oh God! What a breakthrough! [Collapses
into the chair and slowly rests his head in his hands...and
then just stays like that.]
[Brian and Jay have now gotten up and moved up front.]
David:
All right, all right, all right. Give me that. [sticks pad back
on Bob] All right. Okay. Here we go. Now it’s me. All right.
Okay, Mr. Pants, here we go. Have you ever...skinny-dipped with
Michelle Goodwin?
Bob:
Yes.
David:
[hurt] Oh!
Jay:
Wait, who’s Michelle Goodwin?
David:
She’s this girl I had a crush on in the *7th* grade.
Brian:
Okay. Have you ever dressed up like a lady of affluence, gone
to a fancy downtown eatery, picked up a rich guy, seduced him,
and made him wanna *marry* you?
Bob:
Yes -- our story was made into a hit Broadway musical.
David
and Jay: Aw man!
[All but Bob and Paul act frustrated, yet celebratory, and determined.]
Jay:
All right. Have you ever...taken a train and eaten it piece
by piece *after* you just derailed it with your penis?
Bob:
Yes.
[Same ones react the same way.]
Bob:
It was for charity!! It was for charity.
Paul:
[gets up] All right. Enough enough. Congratulations, you got
it. You got the job.
Bob:
Oh great!
Paul:
Welcome to Shoe-court Shoe Store. You’ll be working in the Women’s
Athletic Department.
Bob:
Well I love shoes.
[Buzz. All freeze in a belly-laugh type position.]
[Credit role very fast, and a sped-up theme plays.]
Announcer:
You’ve been watching the lost episode of Mr. Show. Stayed tuned
for the Time Caplet.
Credit to Mr. Show, Dakota Films/North Entertainment Inc., and
HBO
Transcribed by Trista
Lycosky
go
back to the listings
