Partial Season Three, Show Six
Introduction:
Swearing Jar
[Jay,
as the Mayostard man: Hello sexies, it’s Bob and David.]
Bob:
What the hell? Wha? Wow. Woo, David, an audience!
David:
That is the weirdest thing. Are you guys...lost? Y-you know,
we’re doin’ sh--this is great cuz we’re doin’ a show!
Bob:
Oh man, this is great!
David:
You guys showed up! Oh man, excellent!
Bob:
Perfect!
David:
Because, I’ll tell you what, this show that we’re about to do
is gonna blow your ass to high heaven!
Bob:
David, David, you know the rule. Put a nickel in the swearing
jar.
David:
Oh shoot. [laughs]
Bob:
Folks, we have a fun, new rule here at Mr. Show. Every time
a cast member swears, they have to put a nickel in the swearing
jar.
[David drops the nickel into an already full jar.]
David:
The money goes to Swears For Cares, an non-profit organization
committed to raising money through swearing.
Bob:
So hopefully, we’ll make a little difference.
David:
[holds up a nickel] A little *fucking* difference.
TV
Ministry Link
[Short
clips shown from past Mr. Shows--a clip from New San Francisco,
Zulu the Iguana, etc.]
Tom V.O.: Bob and David. Raising money through the Mr.
Show TV Ministry Family Group. And now it’s time for Swear to
God, with the Reverend Winton Dupree.
Swearing
Preacher
Bob:
I have a question, and I know you all have it, too. What is
up Satan’s ass?! All he wants to do is fuck us up, the dick-licker!
Now the Lord said, "I am the light of the world." Now, He could
as easily have said, "I am King Shit of Fuck Mountain. Why would
you fuck with me?!"
[In the back, Paul, Bill, and some other guy whose name I don’t
know, affirm Bob’s statement.]
Bob:
Now, I’ll tell you what. I am the only preacher with the fuckin’
balls, and you know this, you all know this, to say, "Satan
I damn thee! You goddamm motherfuckin,’ shit-eatin,’ cock-suckin,’
son of a B!" Can I get a fuckin’ A?
The
Guys: Fuckin’ A!
Rolling
in It/Ferrari Poster Link
[David
pours the swearing jar into the bathtub in which he’s in, it’s
filled to the top in nickels. The scene freezes and becomes
a poster with the caption, "Rollin' in it." Next poster is David
laying on a bed with stuffed animals around him and in strategic
places; the caption-- "Grin and Bear It." Next poster is David
and a model posed by a sports car; caption-- "Being Poor Sucks."
This poster ends up being in the apartment of the next scene.]
Landlords
Cast:
- David-
Shamul
- Bob-
Victor
- John-
tenant
- Paul-
Unwar
[John,
the new tenant, is unpacking his boxes. David enters.]
David:
Hey buddy.
John:
Hey Shamul!
David:
So, Shamul give good apartment, huh? What you think, huh? All
yours. Look.
John:
Yeah, I can’t wait to get unpacked.
David:
My friend, come here. Listen to me, my friend. You do anything
in dis apartment you want. You watch TV, you listen to music,
I don’t give shit. You have friend over, you have party, you
fuck pussy in hallway, I don’t care. I don’t give shit. Don’t
think of me as landlord, think of me as neighbor. If I make
too much noise, you say, "Shut up, Shamul! Stop it, you asshole!"
John:
Okay.
David:
Okay buddy. I let myself out back.
John:
Okay, hey thanks a lot. Buh-bye.
David:
[says something in Arabic]
[John gets back to unpacking. Bob, carrying a toolbox, enters
through the open front door.]
Bob:
‘Scuse please.
John:
Victor. What are you doing here?
Bob:
I come to speak. W-why you leave my apartment building?
John:
I told you, because the plumbing was bad.
Bob:
Yes, plumbing is bad, Victor fix. See, tools, tools!
John:
No, no, but Victor, you don’t fix. And plus, the apartment was
too hot.
Bob:
Apartment is too hot, is Victor now to fix the sun? I cannot
get up there.
John:
No. No, of course not. Of course not. But Victor, I’m not moving
back.
[David enters from the back.]
David:
Shamul can’t believe all his eyes.
John:
Shamul, this is my old landlord, Victor.
David:
Please! I see now what I hear is true. Shamul sit in apartment,
listen to voices with ear--I don’t believe! Shamul say, "Ear
you try to trick Shamul. You are a dog’s ear and I hit, and
I hit." [smacks his ear several times and spits.]
John:
Shamul, Shamul! Please don’t.
David:
And I hit, and I... Shamul come and look and oooh baby! What
you do to me?! Perhaps Shamul think you move back to old apartment.
Bob:
Ha! Shamul! You come back.
David:
I give you good apartment and you say [spits] "I leave?"
John:
No.
Bob:
Yes, he leave. I help. You come. [starts to carry a box out]
John:
No no, Victor, please don’t.
[Bob drops the box and glass is heard shattering.]
Bob:
Victor fix!
John:
No, no.
Bob:
Victor fix!
John:
Victor. Victor! Victor, I’m *not* moving back.
[Bob is broken-hearted.]
David:
Shamul give you two space. [backs out]
Bob:
It is over?
John:
Yes. It’s over.
[David re-enters.]
David:
Okay, move your ass going, my friend.
Bob:
I-I go. I go. [he does]
David:
Hey buddy. Buddy, some day we looking back on all dis and we
are laughing, eh?
John:
I know, I just feel bad.
[Paul enters through the front]
Paul:
Shamul! What is this?
David:
Unwar, I explain.
Paul:
My old apartment! For *three* years I rent apartment from you.
Only two days ago I move out and already apartment filled?
David:
Please Unwar, I explain.
Paul:
Bull! How you explain? [spits] I spit on your explanation!
David:
I spit on your spit!
Paul:
I piss on your spit!
David:
I shit on your piss!
Paul:
I fart on your shit!
David:
I laugh at your fart!
[Both look at each other in a moment of common realization.]
Paul:
We are friends again. [laughs]
[They hug.]
David:
I spit on your spit.
Paul:
I piss on your spit.
David:
I shit on your piss.
Paul:
I fart on your shit.
David:
I laugh at your fart.
Both:
We are friends again! Hey! [dance around together in a circle,
chanting] I spit on your spit. I piss on your spit. I shit on
your piss. I fart on your shit. I laugh at your fart. We are
friends again. Hey! [they pull John in] I spit on your spit.
I piss on your spit. I shit on your piss. I fart on your shit.
I laugh at your fart.
All:
We are friends again. Hey! I spit on your spit. [they continue
as the camera zooms out from the window. Bob is alone and hurt.]
I piss on your spit. I shit on your piss. I fart on your shit.
I laugh at your fart. We are friends again. Hey!
Victor
& Dylan
[Sad
piano music starts. Bob walks sadly down the street. He enters
the lobby of the apartment building. There’s picture of him
with each of his tenants; he takes down the one of him and John.
David, as the guy who swears off anything modern, comes home
carrying a butter churner and a paper fan.]
Bob:
Dylan! How are you? How is apartment? Is air-conditioning working?
David:
Good. Good. Uh, yes and no thank you. I absolutely abhor the
use of any conditioning devices. It’s a needless perversion
of an already perfected system, i.e. the fan.
[They enter his apartment.]
Bob:
Yes, but air-conditioning was first thing Victor and his family
get when we come to dis country.
David:
Uh! This country is the worst. Bunch of moronic imbeciles, running
around [starts to write using a feather pen] with their shorts
and their wristwatches.
Bob:
Yes, but in America you have uh everything. You have uh television
set and uh music like uh rock ‘n roll.
David:
Oh! Oh! Jupiter’s thunder! Oh, rock ‘n roll is the most criminal
of garbages! I-i-it is a crutch! It is a--
Bob:
--Okay, bye bye.
David:
--It will never sell my ears! Oh the relentless persecution
I must endure. Oh, the only pure pop group that ever existed
was the Fad 3. [starts his old-fashioned turntable.]
Fad
Three
Hunger
Strike
Cast:
- Bob-
Roy, Voice-Over
- David-
Panzic Poojaran
- Dino-
Panzic’s helper
- Various
photographers/reporters
[The
end of the Fad 3 sketch. As a voice-over: "Roy has taken the
high road--donating his name and ex-celebrity status to charities
and political movements." Cut to a press conference. Bob is
at the microphones and David seated on the floor. There’s a
banner hung in the back which, I think, says "Free Kashitai."]
Bob:
Today is the first public appearance Panzic Poojaran--a great
man, a patriot--he has been on a hunger strike for the freedom
of his people. For twenty-three days, now, he has had nothing
but water. His message is about freedom and basic human rights.
Panzic.
[Dino helps David up and over to the microphones. Throughout
the whole sketch Dino holds David’s hand and nods in agreement.
David speaks with many pauses.]
Overheard
reporter: Look at how light he is.
David:
My people have been oppressed . . . and treated unjustly. I
pray to God . . . everyday . . . for their deliverance and .
. . for food. I want the world to know . . . that . . . I .
. . am so hungry. I just . . . I want . . . I just want to say
. . . that . . . I want to eat everything! But--but, I digress,
I digress. There are *two* things that would make me very happy.
One . . . would be . . . a lot of food. Mmm-mm. [pretends to
savor a taste in his mouth.] Mmm. And, but . . . .but more importantly
. . . more importantly . . . I . . . never . . . want . . .
to drink water again! My people are dying! Look at me.
[Dino helps David out from the obstructing microphones and he
pauses for his picture. One person snaps a photo and David is
helped back.]
I used to . . . I used to hate . . . water chestnuts. Now I
would eat a hundred buckets of them. Everyday people go into
restaurants . . . and they, they take the condiments and they,
they take them and they put them on the . . . plate and they
mix it up and put it in a glass and they dare their friends
to drink it, and . . . they think it is funny. Right now I would
drink it!! And I would thank them for it.
But okay enough of that, enough of that. I want to say . . .
why can’t this government . . . change the rules . . . of what
. . . constitutes a hunger strike. [Turns pleading to Dino]
I mean who’s to say . . . [he rambles and Dino points to the
mic to get him re-focused.] Okay. I’m sorry, I have gotten way
off track here. We were . . . we were talking about food. Okay.
If I . . . if I die . . . if I die please tell my people . .
. to bury me . . . in mashed potatoes, please! [Photographers
start to snap pictures.] The lum-lumpy kind with gravies and
a gravy boat by the side and ya-ya little yams, too.
Bob
as voice-over: [as it begins David looks around to see where
the voice is coming from] Panzic Poojaran’s hunger strike, sponsored
by Stenson’s condiments. [A logo which says "Stenson’s Mayostard"
appears on the screen. As the v.o. continues the slogan appears
too. David notices the logo and reaches out for it and tries
to eat it, while Dino helplessly tries to keep him still.] With
over a thousand food products, there’s over a thousand reasons
not to go hungry. [As the other logo appears, David’s attention
is then drawn to it and he tries to bite it.] Stenson’s--mmm--that’s
delicious.
Credit to Mr. Show, Dakota Films/North Entertainment Inc., and
HBO
Transcribed by Trista
Lycosky
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