Partial
Season Three, Show Seven
Don
Pratt- Promotion
Cast:
- Bob-
Boss
- John-
Simmonson
- Tom-
Peabody
- Paul-
unnamed executive
- David-
unnamed executive
[End
of "Blow up the Moon" sketch. David: "Tonight we will blow up
the moon." Close in on a picture of the moon and dissolve to
next scene. John, Paul, Tom, and David are seated at a conference
table. There’s a big window behind them and the moon blows up.]
David:
Hey, sir, they did it.
Bob:
What?
David:
They blew up the moon.
Bob:
Is that an idea?
David:
No.
Bob:
[draws the blind and sits down] You’re all pathetic. You haven’t
come up with one idea that my eight year old daughter couldn’t
come up with. You call yourself junior executives? You’re senior
jackasses!!
John:
Can I say something boss?
Bob:
It better be an idea!
John:
Yeah, it is, sir. Here’s my idea: How about instead of you sitting
on your big fat ass and bitching like a spoiled brat, you actually
chip in and help?
Bob:
I can’t believe what I’m hearing. Simmonson, you can just go
to your office and clean out your desk, because you’re moving
up to the top-floor; you’re my new vice-president.
John:
[in disbelief] What?
Bob:
You’ve got spunk.
John:
You mean it?
Bob:
You betcha.
David:
Uh, uh, I agree with Simmonson, sir; this is clearly not the
best way to get work done.
Bob:
Oh yeah? Well, you’re fired.
David:
Huh? No, no I just mean what he said.
Tom:
Sir, this is crazy, you can’t fire him for that.
Bob:
You dare to question my judgment in front of all these people?
That takes guts, Peabody; I’m giving you a raise and that corner
office you’ve been asking for.
David:
What? Wait. Wait, so you’re giving him a promotion for stick--
Bob:
Shut up, you don’t exist.
Paul:
Hey. You can’t talk to him like that.
Bob:
You’re right. I could you a guy like you to kick my ass every
once in a while; I’m giving you a promotion.
David:
What the fuck?! W-why are you firing me and giving these guys
promotions?
Bob:
I could use a guy like you...as an example! You’re still fired!
Paul:
Sorry man, that’s bullshit.
Bob:
I heard that. You’re right, it’s bullshit; I’m promoting you.
Paul:
Again??
Bob:
Yes.
Paul:
Cool!
Tom:
You know you already promoted *him*--
Bob:
Are you telling me how to run my business? You’re fired.
Tom:
Ah, fuck you!
Bob:
Amen! Re-hired.
David:
But, wait wait, but sir this isn’t fair.
Bob:
"Wait, uh, but sir, this isn’t fair." That’s you! Still fired!
David:
[gets up and starts to leave] Well, I’m glad I’m fired, because
uh, because this company is run by a lunatic!
Bob:
You’ve got guts...
[David sits back down.]
Bob:
...the guts of a man who’s fired.
[David gets back up again and starts to leave.]
David:
Fine, man. I’m outta here. That’s fine. You know, you need help
a-and I really hope you get it.
Bob:
Wait, don’t go.
[David walks back.]
Bob:
Now go. You’re fired.
David:
Asshole. [looks and waits for a response]
Bob:
Still fired.
David:
Oh! [he leaves and shuts the door behind him]
Bob:
Now, who wants a car? A shiny new car?
[David peeks his head back in.]
David:
Hey, uh, uh this is wrong? This is wrong and I’m not afraid
to say it?
Bob:
[seems to ponder it for a second] Fired!
David:
Oh! [leaves, slamming the door. The camera is out in the hall
with him and he talks right into it] This is bullshit! [gives
the finger and the scene is frozen...]
Credit to Mr. Show, Dakota Films/North Entertainment Inc., and
HBO
Transcribed by Trista
Lycosky
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